What were you like before depression?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Mortal Moon, Oct 31, 2009.


Have you always been depressed?

  1. Yes :(

    23 vote(s)
  2. No - it started when I was a teenager

    51 vote(s)
  3. No - it started when I was a young adult

    15 vote(s)
  4. No - it started at some other point in my life

    16 vote(s)
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  1. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Some people are depressed their entire lives, while others become depressed later on in life- usually in their teens or early adulthood, or so I'm told. As for myself, I've always been fairly introverted and cerebral, but I didn't start experiencing significant depression until I was 21 (about a year ago).

    It always seems odd to me that I've become such a sad-sack of a human being, because as a teenager, I was highly productive and goal-oriented. I took great pride in my boundless optimism. I shunned TV news because it grossly overstated the amount of pain and misery in the world (I still think it does, for that matter). I read widely and deeply; I wanted to know everything, and accomplish great works with that knowledge. I had unshakable faith in the human race, and would passionately defend my species from criticism at every opportunity.

    Needless to say, things have gone downhill (I'm here on SF, ain't I? ;) ).

    But anyway, I'd like hear your stories. Have you always been depressed, or was there a time when your life was better? And do you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you can someday be that person again?
  2. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    I don't know if my depression is nature or nurture. My family has a history of suicide, depression, and drug addictions. But, as a child I was normal, but I always lived scared that my mom would hit me when I did something bad, or that she would scream at me. Not trying to complain... but it got excessive.

    In Gr.9 I began to slip down. I cut my shoulder with my razor in the bathroom of a hotel room when my parents yelled at me and made me feel like complete shit. I wasn't even thinking. I've never even really heard of self-injury, or experienced it. And since then, it's gone just downhill.

    Before I was a little crazy, and a little sensitive as well, but creative and generally a pretty happy person. That was in Gr 8 though... I don't remember too much.
  3. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I have always been depressed. I can recall feeling intense self-loathing when I was four. I remember going outside to wish on stars and I would wish that I would wake up someone else -- and I was four!

    I've had time periods when I was less depressed, but those time periods have coincided with heavy substance abuse. Uh....I guess they don't really count, then, as really all I was doing was masking the depression.
  4. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    I always been depressed since i borned...my parants was depressed when i was child cos of financail problem so i turened like them...they wasnt stand to look at me cos i also so ugly...niether anybody eals...I was so ugly like a monster & so stuiped when i was child...so nobody talk to me and i dont blam anybody...so cos of that i was so depressed & cant play or even go outside...my ugly childhood:unsure:
  5. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Hit at the age of 19, managed to resist it for another year. Then everything fell apart. So much has changed, depression has NOT been the dominant changing force since I was 19.

    Before 19, I was extremely shy, but extremely driven towards my goals. I dreamed big, and I could've done it... Probably still could, with extreme difficulty, but I wouldn't get much out of accomplishing it. I think happiness is out of the question, so why try? :(
  6. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I voted teen, because it's when it got worse, but I guess I've been a chronic depressive since childhood. Some of my first memories was my father beating my mother. Or being treated like a shit, slapped for being a leftie (at school). My father was abusive with me for several years, emotionally and psychologically. When it became physical, I didn't see him anymore. I was 9 then. Then my mother was sick, cancer, for two years before she died. So yes I think it's not a good way to start and avoid depression. And this just the beginning. I've had worse then. I start wondering if a curse can exist.
  7. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    i know exactly what day my depression started, even know the time and at what place i was at-18 august 1995 6pm, at home

    the time my younger brother was killed in a rta.

    i used to be a lovely bubbly person, very much addicted to my work as a nursery nurse, enjoyed life, very much enjoyed my job.and loved all of my family. hard to remember those feelings now.
  8. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    My depression really took hold when I was about 12/13. To be honest I can't remember much before then. I guess I was a normal kid who went through ups and downs like everybody else. I remember having bad periods but I think I was generally a happy, normal child. I even remember the last time I was happy - I was aged 10, turning 11 and we went on a family holiday for 8 weeks. I had such a great time and I cried when I had to come back to England. Everything went downhill from then on.
  9. Theseus

    Theseus Well-Known Member

    Naive and very quick to trust.
  10. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I said no but often feel as if it has been all my life..the other reason I said no is because I do have good times..I mean if there were no good times at all then I would have been done with myself long ago but I hold to the memories of what I once was in hopes of becoming that again on day.
  11. Theseus

    Theseus Well-Known Member

    Naive and very quick to trust.

    I haven't seen a shrink, but I think I know what caused my depression. I have always been under some stress to perform well at school. I used to be a decent student. But sometimes the stress would get to me and I'd mess up in tests. Not getting into what caused the stress and the quality of the education, but eventually I did badly on an exam that really mattered.

    Everyone suddenly decided that I was an idiot or whatever and how I couldn't even do what was expected of me properly while they had to support me. This was around when I was 16 or so. That's probably where I started to get depressed. At first I was a bit sad, then I decided to man up and get on with it and not put up with other people's nonsense.

    Once I adopted this attitude I found myself free of the stress I used to be under, but I drifted further and further emotionally from a lot of friends and family. That probably contributed further to the depression. I started to do much better on my studies because I didn't feel so stressed. And soon enough, everyone comes around with bullshit like 'we knew you'd do well, you were always a bright kid' and whatnot. And I was disgusted by how they changed their tune.

    Same shit different time, I graduated from college and took more exams to study further. I didn't do badly, but those exams are pretty competitive (to give you an example, you need to be in the top 1% of about 200,000 candidates to qualify. I ended up in the top 5% which wasn't good enough). So, I decided to look for a job and sure enough, I couldn't find one for about 3 months (I have a very abrasive personality, doesn't serve me well in job interviews) and the knives were out again. I found a job and it all went rosy again. It's all cool now that I have a job. Now they look at those old transcripts and say nonsense like 'wow you really weren't that bad a student'. It will go to shit again when I lose my job and can't find another quick enough.

    Basically what I've learnt is that everyone wants something. You give them what they want and it keeps them happy. If you can't deliver, the relationship fails, and maybe you should go your separate ways.
    And to be honest, I agree. This is a very simple view of the world that works for me. It alienates me from other people but it keeps me sane. I know what to do and what not to do when I see things this way.

    All the stress and competitiveness has also drilled itself into me. I'm usually not happy with things the way they are. I always want more and more. I am never satisfied. I don't get a sense of achievement out of anything I do. I haven't progressed at my job for a couple of years (I expect to, no progress is failure), mostly due to my lack of interpersonal skills, and that has caused the depression to worsen. It's entered a cycle and because of the depression, the work is suffering. I take full personal responsibility for it. Depression is not an excuse, but I can't find the motivation to fix things.

    Sorry about the rant.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2010
  12. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    It started at the age of 8 in my case. I was just a little kid :cry: so so many years ago
  13. yogurt

    yogurt Active Member

    Mine didn't hit until about 19yrs. I was fairly happy as a child, but insecure and anxious. I got low self-esteem somewhere around 11yrs. old. When the depression hit I delt with it poorly for a year...then I found alcohol. I'm almost 30 and I just hit a year sober, but the depression is still pretty bad. Meh.
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Mine started when I was twelve..When I was molested.. I tried suicide when I was thirteen..My parents use to punish me alot when I was a kid..by sending me to my room for a week.. I spent most of my child hood in my bedroom.. I think that is partially why I isolate myself in my room now.. I never learned social skills.. When I was in high school I tried making friends.. That wasn't successful... People either used me or were always trying to get me in fights..Then my parents kicked me out when I was seventeen.. My depression has been mostly life long..
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    in year 5 was the first time I can remember.......my first breakdown was in year 8 when i had to do my first exam....
  16. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I was a teenager, and couldn't cope in high school. My parents challenged me to work harder, and that I did (when bribed with a brand new computer). When I didn't make it (I scored a B instead of an A in one subject), I had a hard time dealing with the loss. I never recovered from that. I don't think I still have recovered.

    I found religion, and needless to say, that drove an even deeper wedge into my depression, which lead to fights with my now exwife. Then I became really devout during my marriage. I ended up thinking I was an apostle, prophet, Christ and then God.

    I have schizoaffective disorder. It's not a good thing to have that coupled with bipolar. I went into a manic phase for about 2 years, in which I got my 'second wife' pregnant, and I went even more manic.

    That's right, I ended up being a bigamist because I thought I was God. I could do no wrong. Then my marriage disintegrated and it was all because I started hallucinating. I saw angels, thought my calling and election were made sure; the whole 9.

    And it all started with depression.
  17. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    my depression was in 2 cycles

    One depression I had when I was 18 years I just felt like sleeping all day

    and my other depression I have been dealing with the last year and a half is a result of a medical problem

    What was I like before my medical problem? I actually loved who I was
  18. Softcore

    Softcore Member

    My depression began a good while ago, when I was young and I discovered that there is no god. It wasn't the fact that there wasn't a god that upset me, it was the false hope that so many people instill in themselves and attempt to instill in others, and even at such a young age I understood, I was only eight. I am now sixteen, and the depression has been worsened in my middle school years by the loss of someone I still, to this day, spend every day missing.

    Before I was depressed though, I remember being happy, so blindly happy. I wish I could feel it again.
  19. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    The source of my depression is very hard to explain, though I understand it pretty well myself. Let's just say that I lost something infinitely precious to me, and my memory of it is beginning to fade, so I literally spend my every waking moment obsessing over it. This takes its toll on my overall grip on reality, and I can feel my mind slowly melting away.

    So yeah.
  20. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I don't remember not being sad. I suppose there were spurts of optimism and some contentment in my young adulthood. I still have those every now in then in far less frequency and duration than before. But in general the theme has been sadness and anger.

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