What will come of this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by leighk, Jul 14, 2016.

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  1. leighk

    leighk New Member

    I've been wanting to talk to a counselor but I have never been able to express my feelings out loud. I was going to see if I could email one of the counselors from my college, but I'm scared of being put in some sort of mental hospital. Below is the letter that I've prepared, can I get an opinion on if it is a good idea to send this as an email to a counselor?

    The email:
    I’m sorry that this has to be done this way but every time I try to use my actual voice to communicate about these things I lock up and shut down. I have been to a few counselors in my past but it usually involved them talking at me while I sobbed uncontrollably into my hands for no reason. The appointments never lasted more than a few weeks before my mom would cancel them because I would not, could not, say a single word to a counselor. I don’t even know where to begin, but I need somebody to finally know how often I think about killing myself. Sometimes it’s just a few times a month, but other times it is the only thing on my mind for weeks at a time. Sometimes I imagine what it would look like if my dead body was laying there. I’ve deeply considered the different methods of suicide <Mod Edit - Methods>. I’ve never actually tried to kill myself, but if I did I would be successful. I realize that my thoughts are irrational. Sometimes I get an impulse out of nowhere that I should kill myself. Sometimes it makes me bang my head on the wall, or hit my fist hard to my chest without even considering it. When I was in high school, I made up a plan to kill myself on my 18th birthday. I even told a few of my friends about it, in some lame and desperate cry for help. I obviously didn’t go through with my plans, considering I just had my 20th birthday. I think it’s important to mention that these thoughts don’t have any foundation. What I mean is I don’t have any reasons to feel this way at all. My life is fine, I don’t have any deep dark secrets and I am pretty well off. I’m attending college for free. I have a lot of really good friends. The fact that I am so unjustified in my feelings makes it even more difficult for me to admit them out loud. Another thing that I think is important to mention is that I have self harmed in the past, without intentions of suicide. Not very often and nothing that has ever put me in any real danger, and I always regret it afterwards. I feel a terrible anxiety every single day and I have for as long as I can remember. I need to finally get some help to change my life because I don’t think I can go on feeling like this for much longer.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2016
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I do not know if a counsellor would put you in the hospital but I think that they would want to talk to you. What about making an appointment and then handing them a piece of paper with all of that written on it. Would going to a doctor be easier for you? Is there someone that you can ask to go to appointments with you.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Leighk, I'm sorry you're having thoughts like these. They're scary, aren't they? *hug* If you need to say this in writing, then that is one way to do it. Maybe you could arrange to meet with the counsellor and "hand him/her the note" in person. That allows them to see that you're alive and well and they won't go into panic mode about you, and they might have some direct insights to give you. Whether it is a counsellor or perhaps a doctor as Rockclimbinggirl suggests, talking about this with someone who understands how human minds work might really help you. Please let us know how you're doing. :)
  4. DevotedBaker54

    DevotedBaker54 New Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I'm so proud of you for asking for help. I feel like that's a step in the right direction and you'll be able to start getting in a better mental state. I would absolutely encourage reaching out to a counselor at school! They exist to help people! I went to counseling in college and found it very helpful!

    I hope you reach out to a counselor and maybe just sign up for an appointment. In my first meeting we just discussed what my reason for coming in was, and then established goals for what I wanted to get out of counseling. Maybe bring what you were planning on emailing to your first meeting :)
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I really like Acy's suggestion of meeting them and and handing them the note, it's more personal that way. I an proud of you for reaching out and seeking the help and support you need. Well done you and you did write in the letter that you didn't have the intention of suicide so I think it will go more smoothly than you think. Don't be scared, they are there and trained to help you when in distress. Best of luck and please update us on how it all goes! (hugs)
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