What would you do... Honestly

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by missbee, Jan 9, 2007.

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  1. missbee

    missbee Guest

    Right a warning now, this may take the form of utter rubbish but I will try my best to get it out in a calm way.

    Since I was little my mum has has depression, so I grew up with her suicidal thoughts etc etc. When I was 14 she died (we're not sure what of!) I've never had a good relationship with my dad and my brother and sister have always been rocky with me aswell. I went off to uni to study to be a mental health nurse but while I was there I was raped, my "friends" didn't believe it had happened and branded me a liar. I was trying to cope with their abuse, the memories of the physical abuse, my mum's death ( I haven't gotten over it) and on top of all of that I was trying to get through my degree.

    Things reached a breaking point for me, I broke up with my boyfriend and moved back home. I started getting help and met someone new, this relationship was rocky from day 1. In 2 months I had taken 2 overdoses and self harmed many times. Yesterday my boyfriend broke it off with me via text message and it has hit me hard. It's bought up a lot of the feelings I had before and I can't shake any of the bad thoughts I have, like going to the station and jumping in front of a train or jumping off the carpark or even taking another overdose.

    I have just come out of my Care Programme meeting and my medication has been changed to venlafaxine. My psychiatrist told me not to overdose on these so they must be able to do something, which has got me thinking. Do I pretend to take them and store them up untill I think I have enough to take an overdose and really die or do I take them and hope I get better?

    At the moment I feel there is no light in my life, I have nothing to live for. My shrink says I need to live for myself but I hate who I am. I feel I am a failure and a waste of time and space.

    I am just asking if anyone would do/has done what I am thinking of or if anyone has any advice on how to cope with it. I am worried about either decision being the wrong one.
  2. shellz

    shellz Guest

    Hi there-Im so sorry that you are going through a rough time and to hear about the rape. I am also sorry that your friends are not being of any support to you in your time of need.

    I dont really know what to say because I am struggling very much myself, but I think you should start taking the pills and see if they will help you or not. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel(or atleast that has been what I was told) so start doing things that can get you seeing this light. Like taking your meds.

    I also overdosed two times in one month though, and now I am paying for it miserably. Trying to cope with it has always been the hard part. But I have noticed that once you go through one day, and the next and the next etc. it becomes easier for you to cope with them. Of course your going to have your slip-ups every once in awhile, but thats when you have to start all over and try again.

    Hang in there, I'm here if you want to talk some more.
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi there, first off, you are anything but a failure, you have survived the deaht of a parent, a rape, physical abuse, the break ups of relationships and God knows what else, and that to me shows a fighter and a survivor.

    I can relate to having urges, having thoughts of thigns you want to do. Clearly you don't really want to do them, otherwise you would have not have made this post. If you save your tablets up for an OD, then you could be cutting your life short. If you take them, the option for suicide will still be there, but you are giving yourself the chance of happiness, the chance to be free from pain. Do you have anything to lose by taking the tabs as they have prescribed?

    I am so sorry to hear about your mum. It is understandbale that you are not over her death. Have you tried bereavement counselling? Infact, have you tried any kind of counselling, because that could help with the abuse issues and all the pain you are still holding from the past.

    Do you have anyone that you trust? Anyone that you can go to if you are feeling bad, or urging or anything? I know you mentioned 'friends', but they sound like crap people for them to react the way they did. Is there anyone else you could talk to?

    Also, if you live in the UK you could try looking up MIND in your local area, because they often run support groups (maybe you could look for a support group for survivors of abuse, or a bereavement group or something) and you might be able to find something there that could help, and it might also be a good way to meet some decent people that can relate to your situations.

    If you ever want to chat feel free to PM me

    Take care and keep fighting
  4. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    I agree with giving the medication a chance, to see if it works, maybe this will give you the edge you need to cope with this current grief... and welcome to the suicideforum, I hope that you like it here and continue to come... Did you end up getting your degree as a mental health nurse?
  5. missbee

    missbee Guest

    I decided to give them a chance but I also decided to go to the train station to think about jumping under a train, unfortunately or fortunately someone saw me crying and called the police as they thought I was a risk.

    I didn't get my degree which is also why I think I am a failure.

    I have tried counselling ever since I was 13, doesn't seem to work for me. I see my CPN once a week and ring the crisis team nearly everyday because I have no-one else in my life. I am dreading the day they grow bored of me and discharge me, then I truely will be alone.
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2007
  6. theplaya

    theplaya Well-Known Member

    i came 2 this forum to get methods to kill myself after readin a lot of posts im in a state which cnt be described in words like bein possesed or somethin. i would hav done the same thing a few minutes back but ur post has shown me the light of the world as seen by me as a kid thanks a lot... pls do take ur medication if u want to talk there are a lot of people here who really cares
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