What would you do if you were someone like me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BOLIAO, Aug 23, 2007.

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    BOLIAO Guest

    Hi Everyone,

    I'm new here and I wish just to post my story cos I've got no-one to talk to cos my close ones can't understand how I feel and I can't relate well verbally about my situation to them.

    I am having very severe major depression and I 'feel' different from normal (detached) and have lost all confidence in myself and is having anxiety attacks and my legs feel wobbly & light. Suicidal thoughts have started to play in my mind as I don't see a way out of my hopeless situation.

    My depression is caused by my career. I've had several major depressions all related to work. I am unable to adapt to negative work environments whereby manipulative people bully me all the time and I do not fight back for fear of further retribution & non-cooperation. Time and time again this has happen since I started my career in my early 20s and today I'm 35 years old and now facing this problem...again. This time, I dont know whether it will lead me to finally take my own life cos I really see no way out.

    The problem is I can't stand my office environment anymore due to the bullying and I have ran out of job options due to my frequent changing of jobs. Throughout my 14 years working career, whenever I land myself in a negative working environment, I would desperately attempt to change jobs without thinking of career advancement & development and accept any position offered. In the end, I worked two to three years in a different positions in different companies in different industries and as a consequence my level of experience in each position in each industry is very shallow.

    There is something really wrong about my personality as I cannot adapt at all to office politics and each time I face office politics, I would end up depressed until I have to resign and become jobless, feel useless and become suicidal. At my present company, I've been pushed to the wall by my colleagues to the extent that my mind goes blank and I can't even think properly. Then lately, I started getting anxiety attacks when i wake up in the wee morning hours and once I wake up, I can't fall back asleep and my mind goes wild about the work politics that I'm facing. Please do not perceive me as a weirdo when I post this thread. I have an inherent weakness in me which is I can't adapt to office politics at all. Would anyone believe that I worked in many big companies, performed very well, promoted fast and then office politics would destroy me and I end up leaving? In my twenties, it was ok cos I managed to start back as an officer/executive position again and climb back up to a manager position. So for the past 10 years, my position was officer, assistant manager, executive, manager, officer and my final two positions as manager.

    Two years ago, I accepted a position to start up a multinational company's dealership for a businessman and became the dealership's manager. I performed very well but the owner lost several million dollars in the stockmarket and took the almost all the funds out of the dealership's bank account. Faced with his unhappiness of paying my substantial salary, he made working life very difficult for me so much so that I simply left and jumped on to a competitor's HQ as a manager. I found out that the General Manager who gave me the job was about to retire in 2 years time and he was looking for someone to groom and the existing managers were all hoping to be his successor. AND then I joined. Coming from a big multinational competitor into a smaller rival, my immediate new colleagues felt somehow threatened and went all out to make life difficult for me so that I would resign. For 7 months I tolerated and tried to make peace with them but to no avail. I see my emotional health deteriorate from a normal individual to the one that I have become today. During this 7 months, At first I was unhappy, then i became more and more unhappy, then I became semi-depressed, then depression set it then it progressed to major depression and then suicidal thoughts set in and past few days I have started to get serious anxiety attacks and I dont feel well at all.

    I'm at wits end cos it so serious that I just feel like resigning 24 hours but I got no alternative job to hold on to and my resume would show that I only work 7 months and 2 years plus in the previous company. surely Human resources would be suspect that I am a rolling stone and cannot adapt well.

    I was thinking to come out to do a business so that I dont have to face office politics but I can't even think of anything I can do and one can't open a business for the sake of opening a business when you dont even know what business to do.

    All these have internalized in me and I suicidal. If you were someone like me who have runned out of options, what would you do?
  2. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    I can see why they'd try to make your life a living hell if you threaten their chances at promotions. You have experience in business, maybe you just need to find a small company that doesn't have all the BS??? I don't know, as I've never worked an office job. It's always been labor for me.
  3. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel.
    I have been the victum of office politics myself. The backbitting, and the constancely attacking of your work.....Feeling sick to your stomach about the thought of going in to work.
    I left and am trying to start a new carrer, where I can be alone most of the time and only have to deal with the boss over the phone once or twice a day. AT THE MOST...
    Advice isn't going to help much. There isn't much you can do, if you want to stay in your field.
    Can you start your own business???
    Anyway, Don't do anything drastic like killing yourself. They aren't worth it.
    Don't give them the satisfaction.
    I wish you the best and if's it any help. You can always talk to us.
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    First of all, it's not your fault.

    Employers, CEOs, yuppies, and all team players are basically cowards who only feel a sense of self worth when they dress up in a suit and tie, bend over, and get fucked in the ass.

    As for my career, if it doesn't work out, I plan to leech off the system. I don't give a fuck where I end up in life. The concepts of winner and loser, success and failure are all meaningless to me.

    What I really hope for is to come down with cancer so I can get a machine gun and slay these oblivious corporate bastards. Their lives are worth dirt to me. Then I'll kill myself.

    Hey, I've worked hard too. I've gotten straight A's, promotions, and raises. But what can you do when it can no longer sustain your livelihood? Fuck 'em, I say. Look, life is shit. Life is war. Better to take your anger out on them instead of yourself.

    The ideas of god, heaven, eternal reward are useless to me. God is something I wipe my ass with every day. You're here for a limited amount of time on this good earth, so you might as well come up with a way to make these cubicle 'tards suffer.

    I feel your pain, man. I really do.
  5. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    BOLIAO -

    Hello. OK. I haven't ever been in your situation and I can't tell you what I would do but I'd like to try and put things into perspective.

    Let me ask you something. What would you do if you couldn't work? Let me explain. I have epilepsy. Now it isn't really bad and in theory at least, I could work. But it seems that every seizure I have causes me to lose some indescribable part of myself. It's quite.....unsettling, really to wake up one day and realize you don't really remember how you spent the last two weeks. And I mean, literally. Large chunks of my past are just simply missing. My memory seems to be getting worse as I get older (I'm only 34. And I actually had to check because I didn't remember how old I am).

    Needless to say, this makes things like complex math and tasks virtually impossible. I retain some stuff well but not large quantities of information. I really can't learn that much. And if I do, I will probably forget a lot of it.

    And on top of all of that, I never really had any ambition. That's right. I'm also just simply too lazy to work even if I could. I don't know what it is. I have no idea why. I'm just disinterested in it. At some point in my life, I simply dropped out and never came back. And now I don't even want to.

    But that doesn't mean that I don't wish things could be normal for me. I wish I could find some motivation. It just isn't there. And even if it were, I'd live with constant anxiety of having seizures at work, people thinking I'm a freak, walking on eggshells around me, whispering. If I drop the shampoo in the shower, everybody in the house comes running to the bathroom door. I can't lock my bedroom door. I can't drive.

    My medication causes rashes that cause me to itch all over sometimes. It costs $100 for a 10 day supply. It makes the natural memory loss that all epileptics deal with even worse. I walk around in total confusion half the time. The medication prevents most of the major seizures but I still have like 5 or 10 auras (which in and of themselves are minor seizures) a day. Basically, an aura is a very powerful and weird feeling of deja vu and strange, inappropriate emotions such as intense, pointless fear. Any aura can progress to a major seizure so I never know.

    Anyway. I'm basically screwed for life.

    So. Maybe you feel better? At least you can get a job. You aren't enslaved by pills and the fear of losing complete control of everything at any given moment. You can go out and you don't have to think about when you're coming back or worry about how much medication you'll need. No matter how bad things ever get they can always be worse.
  6. Mr Wiggs

    Mr Wiggs Member

    You have a steady job, already your life is better than a lot of peoples

    If you are 35, and you are getting "bullied" don't stand by not do anything but think about killing yourself, wheres the logic in that?
  7. weirdal

    weirdal Forum Buddy


    i dont have any experince with this at all but im going to give it a shot

    try and find the courage to be bold, do something new, somethign unusual say once a month like bungee jumping, go out and meet people, get your confidence up.

    however long that takes, when you feel ready go back to work go get that promotion and fuck what anyone says, ignore it, you no it isnt true they just want the promotion just laugh at them and think who will live in the bigger house soon.

    sorry if this was a load of shit


    BOLIAO Guest

    Thanks for all your opinions. all noted. Today I made a decision. Fuck the job. I'm going to throw in the letter within the next few days. and I see how. The work environment is killing me and I dont know why am i trying to hang on. Just for the fear that it wont look good in my resume. FACT is I landed in a job which nobody wants cos of the vicious people there.

    ok once funny thing that happen to me was that I got really really angry at the situation I landed in and I kept talking about it to my loved ones and told myself I must not let myself go down. I must fight must fight must fight. and then the anger in me lifted my spirits and I felt normal. then those negative thoughts went away. But I really hope that once i quit, panic doesnt set in.

    read a book titled " Law of Attraction" . dunno whether anyone of u read it or not. seems quite true.
  9. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    office politics suck, unfortunately the office seems to be a place where control freaks end up because they wouldn't get anywhere doing anything else and no-one would like them.
    I'm glad you're throwing in the job. I don't know which country you're from, but I'm in England, and I'm doing some temp office work whilst in the process of changing career, have worked in an office for 10 years but part of the reason I'm getting out is because I'm fed up with the politics thing.
    A change of career certainly sounds like it would be good for you.
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's good to hear that your leaving your current job. Since that is the cause of your depression. You deserve better. Best of luck.
  11. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Do you have another job ready? If you don't, you might want to at least wait until you can find something else before you quit. Sometimes that makes it harder to get another job. Either you'll have a gap in your employment history or you'll have to list where you worked and the reason you left. It looks much better if you're employed when you submit a resume. Well, at least to employers it does. For some reason, if you're unemployed, they make all sorts of assumptions. Some fair but most not.
  12. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    Depends on the circumstances, I lost my job and then decided to change career, in the meantime I'm temping doing what I've done in the past, it might not be easy to get another permanent job at the moment other than in an office, which won't be what he wants I guess.
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