(Warning -- Long Post Ahead.) I am in a predicament. For the last decade my life has slowly spun our of control. My mind has deteriorated and I had to cut my persuit in Medical studies short. Over the course of years from age 16 to 26 I have had slowly progressing problems with my mind. It hit me hard at around age 19-20 and has only gotten worse since. I have been diagnosed with psychosis, but I feel like it is more than that. I have been mostly in a completely numb, robotic state that never lets up. I can feel nothing at all, no emotion, no love, no sadness, nothing. I have missed out on the lives of everyone most important to me and they no longer know who I am. I have within the past 5 years developed a problem with eating foods, to the point that I can no longer eat foods without throwing up or becoming ill. The medical community is slow in figuring out my problem and there may be nothing they can do for me. I have tried every anti psychotic available and every anti depressant. The majority of my adult life has been spent in complete misery that even I can't fully fathom. I don't mean this in anyway to build up my problem as something harder or beyond what other people have gone through. I just can't imagine being in a worse state and it isn't getting any better. I have tried every diet I can think of for six months a piece. I work out on a regular basis. I take vitamins and minerals daily. Their is always this sound like something eating itself away at my brain. I find it hard to hold a conversation and I can't recall what it is like to have a friendship. The people who I talk to on a daily basis I feel nothing for. I am literally unable to enjoy anything at all and it isn't just depression. It is like my entire body is shutting down and I can't find any reason for this. The feeling can only be described as living through brain damage while your mind is in a constant state of panic at what is happening to it. It can't really be explained without feeling it. My IQ has dropped significantly and my dreams of becoming a doctor has slowly and quite bizzarely come to close. My life as I know it no longer exists, I don't even know who I am anymore. I have brief memories of what I used to be like and then they go away leaving me feeling completely numb at the realization of what I have lost. I don't expect anyone to understand or even believe me for that matter, but if this was you, what would you do? As I see it the only reasonable option is to kill myself xxxx I guess at some point you want to actually be missed. You want the people around you to still see you in some way as you are and not as the thing you are becoming. Is it better to have everyone around you loathe you to the point that they would almost rather you die, or is it better to be missed after you have killed yourself?