What would you do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blackdog22, Sep 18, 2011.

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  1. Blackdog22

    Blackdog22 New Member

    (Warning -- Long Post Ahead.)

    I am in a predicament. For the last decade my life has slowly spun our of control. My mind has deteriorated and I had to cut my persuit in Medical studies short. Over the course of years from age 16 to 26 I have had slowly progressing problems with my mind. It hit me hard at around age 19-20 and has only gotten worse since. I have been diagnosed with psychosis, but I feel like it is more than that. I have been mostly in a completely numb, robotic state that never lets up. I can feel nothing at all, no emotion, no love, no sadness, nothing. I have missed out on the lives of everyone most important to me and they no longer know who I am.

    I have within the past 5 years developed a problem with eating foods, to the point that I can no longer eat foods without throwing up or becoming ill. The medical community is slow in figuring out my problem and there may be nothing they can do for me. I have tried every anti psychotic available and every anti depressant. The majority of my adult life has been spent in complete misery that even I can't fully fathom. I don't mean this in anyway to build up my problem as something harder or beyond what other people have gone through. I just can't imagine being in a worse state and it isn't getting any better.

    I have tried every diet I can think of for six months a piece. I work out on a regular basis. I take vitamins and minerals daily. Their is always this sound like something eating itself away at my brain. I find it hard to hold a conversation and I can't recall what it is like to have a friendship. The people who I talk to on a daily basis I feel nothing for. I am literally unable to enjoy anything at all and it isn't just depression. It is like my entire body is shutting down and I can't find any reason for this.

    The feeling can only be described as living through brain damage while your mind is in a constant state of panic at what is happening to it. It can't really be explained without feeling it. My IQ has dropped significantly and my dreams of becoming a doctor has slowly and quite bizzarely come to close. My life as I know it no longer exists, I don't even know who I am anymore. I have brief memories of what I used to be like and then they go away leaving me feeling completely numb at the realization of what I have lost.

    I don't expect anyone to understand or even believe me for that matter, but if this was you, what would you do? As I see it the only reasonable option is to kill myself xxxx

    I guess at some point you want to actually be missed. You want the people around you to still see you in some way as you are and not as the thing you are becoming. Is it better to have everyone around you loathe you to the point that they would almost rather you die, or is it better to be missed after you have killed yourself?
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2011
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I am being honest in saying that I can only begin to imagine what you're going through. And I'm really sorry to hear about all of this. Really and truly, I know you're not trying to magnify your problems for us to see. I understand what you're trying to say.

    Anyways, welcome, and I just want you to know that I'm reading what you write on these forums. I look forward to hearing from you again.
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Is the psychosis occuring due to brain damage? I am really sorry your going through that.

    I have to wonder if your state of feeling numb, and no emotions come from the use of antidepressants or was this a problem before the medications.

    Those pills, enough of, long enough, can really mess with you.

    I'm sorry you lost out on your dream of being a doctor. That must be hard, but I think you did the right thing by not pursuing it, doesn't sound like your in any kind of shape to handle that. Do you feel like you could be capable of taking on another career that didn't require your mind to be fully functional?

    Have you tried things like brain exercises and such? I'm sorry, I don't know what advice to give here really. I just know that must be tough, and I really hate hearing that..

    No, I don't think you should make everyone around you hate you, no matter what choice you make. I don't think it's okay to hurt people regardless of your reason, and turning them against you, would be hurting them. Have you thought about telling them how you feel? Maybe they could give you some support through all this.
  4. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    welcome at SF,

    I cant imagine what you are going through as my own issues are related to chronic depression. What I do believe though, is that as bad as it is now, and as long as it takes, there will be a combination of treatments which eventually will work for you in the long run. I think your dreams might be on the ice for a bit, but you can get back at working at them once you feel better. People will miss you no matter what, because despite all you do, this wont erase the good memories and the hope they had for you. And in your own best interest, its better to live loving and giving the best you can than sinking into an even more negative mind state.
  5. Blackdog22

    Blackdog22 New Member

    Thanks for the support. As far as the psychosis goes, I am not sure if it is related to brain damage, but it feels that way.

    The symptoms started around age 19 and I had tried the anti depressants at around age 21 I believe. After taking them for a while and reading the horror stories online I decided to call it quits after a couple of years of trying out 7 or so varieties.

    For now I am trying to see as many doctors as possible in hopes their is a cause for this that can be cured.
  6. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I'd ask the doc to send you to a neurologist, get a MRI and see if there is something going on there or not, hopefully not, but better safe than sorry.
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