Whatever the future holds,

[GiYuen]

I sixteen years old, and I am suicidal.

I have been fighting the urge to end my life for ten years, and I have sought out many different kinds of professional help to evaluate, medicate, or lift this nagging pain off of my chest. When none of these methods helped, I turned to my parents for help. I preferred to talk to them, but they insisted that I needed to be seen by a doctor first. When I admitted to my mother, who has custody of me, that I have suicidal tendencies for the first time, she got mad at me, & started yelling at me and saying things like, "That's not my problem." and "You have to fix it yourself." I have never felt..Well, like we could care about each other, and when she said what she said, I felt like she didn't care about me at all. This is an ongoing issue, because each time after I admit to her that I feel that way, she just said, "I can't deal with it anymore! Get out! God, you're such a f*****g b***h to everyone! I can't stand you!" These tirades end with me in tears, and my mom shouting slander from down the hall.

When I first admitted to my dad that I felt this way, He got angry at me and told me to stop frustrating my mom, and something along the lines of, "You need Jesus! That's not normal! Maybe if you read the bible instead of fighting with your mom, you'll find a purpose in life instead of always talking about how you're gonna kill yourself." I have read the bible. I go to Church. I don't talk about my suicidal urges unless one of my parents ask me what's wrong. Up until now, I have refused to even think about it while I am in the presence of another person. I have attempted to kill myself several times, but I feel like I can't disrespect my parents by dying too close to them. I don't want them to have to clean me up. My face, legs, and wrists are covered in scars, and while most heal quickly, the marks on my wrist won't fade. I have sought out counseling at school, and I have failed there as well. Kids always make fun of me because my dad is quadriplegic, and because I always looks tired and my face is covered in scars. They tell me that I look like s**t and I am worth less than them because I am not Asian or White. I am actually both, and I am also Black. I feel like I can't talk about it at school with my friends or any of my teachers because everyone always has their opinion about what I should have done to prevent things from happening as they do. I am one human being, I can't do it all. Is that fair?

I have three brothers and I am the only one who tries to keep things from getting out of hand at home. I feel voiceless at home. I feel like a stranger. When I try to help any of my brothers, they glare at me or start yelling, like my mom does. I always think that things will get better if I hold on and put on a poker face for them until I can leave and get out of their lives, but then I remember that my other siblings hate our parents, and one of us has to take care of them in their twilight years. I have no passion in life and the only reason I still attend school is so that I can get a good enough job to care for my parents when they get old. I want the see a brighter day, but I just feel like I can't hold out much longer, not even for my parents. I'm at wits end--I don't know what to do, or if I am just crazy as hell. I hope I am not. That would just be the worst. Any advice would be immensely appreciated.

 

[Kishin]

Hey there I am sorry for all the shit that is happening in your life. It seems like your a very warm hearted person. I am not the best person to give advice. Personally I have given up trying to get my mothers love. My father passed away so I don't have to worry about him any more. Parents are funny things, we can hate them so much for all the shit they sling at us, but yet our hearts ache to have them love us. I wish I could give you a hug. If you would like to talk your more then welcome to pm me. sorry I did not have any advice for you. hang in there.

 

[GiYuen]

Yeah, well my parents treat me like a prisoner, and remind me every chance they get that I was, and continue to be a bad person. To make matters worse, I can't even remember a damn thing about my childhood. Unless it was something bad that I did, I have absolutely no recollection of what my past was like. I want to lay my identity down and walk away from them all, even if I can't survive. It seems to me that if my own family and the people who say that they care about me can treat me like this, then what chance do I have in a room full of strangers to find someone who will respect me as a human being?

Kishin, I appreciate your response, and somewhat understand your position, but I don't love my parents. I don't love anyone. I look after people because if I didn't, as soon as something happens, everyone looks to me, asking why I didn't do more to stop it. I don't want them to love me anymore. I want them to respect me, like I try hard to do for them, and let me go, even if I can't survive. I have to try before I know for sure that it isn't worth it.

 

[Little_me]

I'm so sorry. You are not, not worth this! This is unfair.

I wish I could help you more, I cannot support you IRL but it's very positive that you have found SF and joined us. That means that you have some hope somewhere inside. You want a change, right? That's a good start. Most of us here are or have been depressed/suicidal and can relate to your feelings.

I haven't been in your situation concerning the family-relationship but I hope I can give you some sort of advice anyway. Feel free to PM at any time

 

[total eclipse]

Your mother and father yell at you because they don't know what else to do they have no idea what it is like to be suicidal. They are not educated to understand depression and feel it is just a behavioral problem. Many psychiatrist have even told my daugther it was all behavioral and these are educated people. Your parents are not angry with you they are angry with themselves because they don't know how to help you. They feel helpless and feel they failed somehow when you say you want to die. I hope they could get you councilling and have someone educate them as well. You are 16 can you not go to hospital emergency and ask to talk with crisis team or phone crisis team and see if they have some ideas to help you and your parents. I know here if you go to emergency dept of hospital and say you want to kill yourself they will get you councilling and put you on meds to help you and even give your parents pamphlets and support to help them deal with you depression. I hope you can start living for you as you cannot protect your parents and siblings you have to take care of you so you can get well and strong. Call crisis line next time you are feeling down and get help for you okay the numbers are here on the forum and keep writing here to let you pain out take care you are young get the help now to start making changes.

 

[GiYuen]

I know that I am supposed to live my own life, and I feel like there was a time when I enjoyed living and had a passion. I want that time to come again and I want to be so happy that I glow like the sun, but I am still scared that I will let someone shoot me down again, so I talk myself into believing that my life would be better if I stayed close to the ground. Wow, that looks weirder on the screen than it does in my head. Still, I can't help but feel at fault for their unease.