Well I'm sitting here harshly chewing on a piece of nicotine gum. What i wouldn't give for a nice joint or cig at this point, or even my nice ol' pipe. But I need to get some shit off my chest even if I know that hardly anyone reads and responds to this shit. I've been feeling prety down lately maybe because I despise myself in every way possible. I can't look at myself in the mirrior, I can't look at myself in a picture, anything with myself I can't stand to look at. I have a strong urge to go back to old ways, for those that don't know me a.k.a. cutting on myself and bulimia. Yes they're bad but I can't stand myself. I absolutely hate the way I look and especially the way I am. Why am I the person that gets the shitty end of the deal of a relationship? Is it past life karma that I'm not supposed to be happy with my life. Today all toghether I've thought about offing myself at least 3 times. I've been pushed and pushed, and I don't think I can take much more of this shit called life. I seem to attract the most retarded and fucking stupid people in the world. Like take my good friend B, not releasing his name. He turned 18 today. Its like he should of been turning 12. Fuckin immature bull shit. Sure he's allright sometimes but it got old the first week of our sophomore year. Like I asked before, Why the hell can't I be happy? Why cant this life actually be a positive experience for me but since the age of 12 I havn't seen much happieness in my life. What the hell I've spent the last hour crying over nothing and everything. That's a usual evening for me. Crying. Crying out the pain that I have in my heart. I cry myself to sleep. I cry when I wake up. I cry on the way to school. I cry in my classes. Even with my meds I cry and am depressed. Damn, what I wouldn't give to be happy again. The drugs dont seem to work anymore cigarettes have lost their effect, drinking just makes me even more depressed. What can I do to be happy? Gods I'm crying now just from writing that shit. I'm quitting for the night. I'll probably write some more laterz.