Whatever

Okay, so I really did think that you know, maybe everything wasn't perfect but at least I was a little better. Nope. Things are just as bad if not worse as normal. The problem is, that nothing really bad happens. I just...I dunno. Right now I'm back at college which is generally where I am happiest. But it seems like the more people I'm around the worse it gets. When I'm alone I feel like I should be around people and that something is wrong with me, and if I'm around people I feel really shy and don't say anything and wish for something...more. Not sure if that makes sense or not. And it can be like...the week was good but I feel really depressed and like I'm in a hole. And so I engage in different kind of bingings activities, whether food, alcohol, hurting myself...just anything to get myself out of that state of mind. It gets really odd too, like I'll stop taking medicine, start riding in cars without my seat belt while driving faster, then I'll start taking too much medicine even if it's just vitamins... I don't get why I do it either, it's almost like I'm not doing anything too dangerous but still kinda little gambles. And it's always is a different activity every day or even hour.

I think I lost my point...I just...don't get it and kinda need to just...rant about it. Bah.

 

well, I think I got your point...I understand and hear the same latent wish something "bad" happens to you, I guess, that's way you act uncarefully, almost daring , and you keep hurting you in different ways.
I hope you yet be carefull and aware that somethings could damage you even more, and as for alcohol, specificaly, it normally makes you feel worse, at least afterwards,and the physical effects of it aren't too pleasant too.
I hope you keep feeling well in college, and maybe you could try to focus on that and just hope that time will change things for you and maybe you find happiness at sometime.I really believe that a lot of things change in time and life will bring you a lot of good moments.
Hang in there, try to stay safe and post anytime you like or need, we're here for you
take care,
:hug:
helena