Whatever..

I obviously have all my priorities backwards because I could have stayed in an apartment that was literally killing me (black mold infestations in the walls, the place was sinking because it was built in '63 on top of a swamp making the building unstable, a manager yelling at me one day and saying she would have never rented to me and another calling me the best tenant ever, my neighbor whom attacked me once before and whom attacked my walls at night and yelled at everything, my therapy program that dropped me and my insurance that somehow got changed for the new year so that no one would take me as a client, living part of the month scraping for food even with the food pantry helping [before I met Julia and we shared food income]) yet chose to be with my friend.. whom had no where else to turn..

I obviously chose to have internet then another $50 a month.. to have ppl to talk to and directions, resources, ways to contact people, and apply for jobs.. but obv. those are not priorities..

I got a dog to help keep my sanity and as a companion.. something to live for.. Something to care for and as reason to go on..(And she may get in the way for certain resources but of the resources she does I do not mind, because shelters are very unsafe.. I've known too many to be followed out of one and been stabbed or worse, and when u have a dog, less people are likely to go near you because they assume the dog will attack them..) Obviously my sanity isn't what i need to keep as a priority.. And obviously staying away from trouble and having a way to protect myself isn't either..

I care greatly for my dog.. she has all her shots, flea meds, everything.. Everyone says she looks happy.. But obvious because I'm homeless I cannot take any better care of a dog then if she had stayed were she was, stuck in a kennel all damn day alone whining.. So I'm obviously not a good dog owner..

I got all I needed gathered for my sanity and survival.. a net book and internet for ways to connect to people, resources, job applications; a dog whom I can exercise every day and whom I can care for very well; I pay for a phones so may contact resources, make sure if Julia and I split up we can contact each other, and so we have numbers for phone calls for jobs; and necessary blankets, first aid supplies, and other supplies.. But obviously I should have none of this.. my priorities are obviously miss placed.. and I am obviously stupid..

I've contacted a friend whom parents before had said no to us paying them to live there to ask again if we can stay and am still waiting for an answer.. I've gone to a church who put us up in a campsite for a week and we were trying to see how we could get back on our feet.. We have gone to a 24hr crisis center who told Julia she could "outgrow" arthritis and gave us BS reasons why they couldn't even allow me to see a therapist.. I talked to even the police station about where I might get resources.. I contacted a housing program who's lists were closed.. But obviously I'm not trying to get a place to live or using any resources..

I obviously have no reason to complain because everything is my own god damn fault..

I'm obviously an attention seeking wh*re who is only concerned about themselves.. And my reasoning obviously justify nothing I have decided to do..

So don't worry.. I'll run myself out when what I have left to live for is all taken.. my dog and my friend Julia.. And all everyone's problems will be gone..

 

Im just tired of the judgements.. im trying to keep my mouth shut but imo i don't see much difference if someone was complaining how they r lonely (maybe they decided to not go to college, not go to stores, groups, etc..) and are allowed to express their feelings when i am not.. im not trying to complain all the time.. i just dont feel welcom anymore.. i can understand the judgements irl.. but why here as well.. sorry if im offending anyone..

 

Knowledge at this point is hindsight. Black mold and other bad conditions at the apartment could have prompted contacting the Health Department and the "landlords" would have had a responsibility to relocate you. Computer access through the library is a great alternative as well (I know several people who use that option -- one associate because they simply cannot get decent Internet service in the rural area where they live). I'm not bringing these things up to "rub it in," but I am trying to make a point that there are always alternatives - and having a computer does allow access to Google and from there much research into these types of things can be done.

Look up NAMI and see if there is a support group close to you. Through peer networking at a support group, you might find the best resources. Often, it is the end user's who generally have even more resources/information than the so-called professionals.

When you're at the rock bottom, the only direction is to go up. You can improve your situation, though it will take time, but it's not a time to dwell on the mistakes or to call yourself names... You can achieve better and so you have a goal and now can create a roadmap to take yourself there. Stay strong and maintain focus for total wellness. Use this and other peer support venues to keep motivated. Good luck!

 

I second looking into finding a peer support group through NAMI. The one I attend has been very helpful. Take care of yourself. :hug: