What's a Crisis?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Vaughan, Feb 1, 2014.

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  1. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    I don't know what constitutes a crisis. Let alone what posting on a board like this can achieve. I feel as though I have vocabulary of a crisis, but I learned it from over-wrought films and over-the-top dramas. My "crisis" isn't like that, unless I engineered it to be like it. Nothing about my situation will be unique or memorable. Shitty home life with simblings and parents (from whom i'm cut off from). A marriage that is alright, but that doesn't drive productive behaviors. I drank heavily for 40 years, but that all stopped 18 months ago and I can honestly say I don't crave booze at all. Not drinking just opened me up to facing more pain head on - we all drink for a reason, and use it as a shield, now the shield has gone.

    I'm a professional person. I've been quite successful in making good money, helping others with their career, and gave been recognized in my industry. None of that matter to me at all. I get no real pleasure from it. I'm unemployed now, and it's just one day dragging into the next as debts mount and the world gets smaller.

    I love my wife, we have a dog.I like music and have a lot of that. I get a lot or pleasure from it. But there's this immense pressure in the center of my chest, pressing outward. All the time.I take anti depressants, and I reckon they're kept me alive. As has getting off the drink. I give it another year.I can't be here this time next year. It's cold (can't afford heating),m I have to sit with blankets pulled around me the whole time. I sign on unemployed once every two weeks, and they grill me and threaten to take my money away. My wife and I are expected ti live on £68 a week. We can't do it. You can't budget £68 for a week with electricity and water and TV licenses.

    I wonder who is going to have my things once I'm gone. I've got some good music and films on DVD. Thousands. This all should have been great, but it's not turned out that way. So such much hatred in my life. So much talking and no listening. I don't know who my Dad is - or rather I do, but he's a brick all. Says nothing, just points he finger and judges people the whole time. Every he's done is better than anything you've ever done. I've never had a conversation with him in 50 years. Never will - you just have to accept some things are beyond your control. Family ties are just ridiculous - all this blood is thicker than water.... I'm not sure what that's supposed to denote. My family are just hateful people who think only of themselves. None have empathy.

    I sit and try to get inside the music I'm playing.That's good. But I need to be working.No work means no point.I can't do another year of this. So I've started thinking about that. Another year like this is just death within itself. I don't know what's beyond (I tend to think nothing) but that's better than sitting here, cold, fighting off tears - I can't cry, I haven't cried in years, tens if years. Crying seems like a good idea, but I don't have the mechanism. It just sits in a knot in my chest, heavy, pressurizing.

    I had a good career. I worked in upper management, with lots of direction reports. Some still email me every now again again to thank me. I wrote some technical guides which were published in five different languages and sold around the world. I was flown all around the world to speak at conferences. I really played the part, I really did well. On the outside. On the inside I'd already moved on. As though I had reached a lifes goal and found it's actually someone elses goal. Mine were very different, and they couldn't be gotten this way. I got no pleasure from any of it. What's the about? It's funny huh? Mine drives to the end of the road - only to find there's no nirvana at the end, jusy rocks and a big sheer dip. Actually worse - it wasn't me.WHo did all this work? F*cked if I know. To top it off, I made a three figure royalty statement - and it was stolen by the publisher that declared bankrupcy and kept the rights to my books. I got nothing. Not that I blame that.

    Wow, long post. It's just hell at the moment. Every minute of every day. I don't belong here any more. I'm a footnote. Footnotes are important, nut not worthy of complete focus. I'm not sure I care any more. But I'm on a board where others feel the same. So I can't help them. It's so damn cold. It doesn't take much. I have no idea of what the point is now. I've taken 8 clonazepam. maybe that will sooth me out.....
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know that I'm listening, you're being heard. I don't have the answers, but a part of your post that stood out to me is where you talked about being unable to cry. I know what that's like, because for years when I was younger, I was told to be tough, that crying was wrong. It took me a really long time to get past that, and even still there are times where I want or need to cry, but it just doesn't work.
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Life is tough. We all get down and seem that there is nowhere to go. I always get down and try to get up again. Each time it gets harder. It takes time to recover especially when we see don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. All I say just keep posting here as nobody will judge you. Take care and respect.
     
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