So a few months ago I got put into A&E from SI. After this, I got referred by my doctor to the NHS Mental Health services and after a couple sessions, sent to the KCA. Unfortunately, I am no longer on the 'list' for therapy. Because the KCA claim that they never got my message about being unable to attend a session and then deleted my file. After all this mess I'm not really sure what's going on in my head anymore. I feel like everything is getting worse as I'm now experiencing things I didn't really experience as much as before. Everyone keeps catching me 'talking to myself' but I'm not. I'm forgetting everything. The suicidal behaviors and thoughts have returned, but much worse than before. The SI is definitely going to make a re appearance, and I can tell it's going to something I can't handle this time. I have a different side to me now, I knew it was there before but it wasn't as dominant as it is now, I never used to associate it with anything but my own conscience. But now it feels like it's something more than that. Kind of like an alter-ego? It's all stressing me out big time because starting therapy made it worse and I know it can feel like it gets worse before it gets better, but now I feel like it won't because I have no way of getting back into therapy. It feels like my only option is pills and I really don't want them. I feel like I'm giving in to it all, I don't to but it feels like I have absolutely no control over my actions. It feels like I'm watching myself from behind a barrier, kicking, punching and screaming at myself to not give in but nothing is changing. One thing that I was constantly asked in the sessions was how I would like to be treated. But because the only thing anyone ever said about my condition was that it's serious I feel like I can't choose what way would be best. How would I go about getting tested for anything? As far as I'm aware they never tested me at all because they never got back to me about anything and I want to know what's going on before it's too late. I feel like I'm splitting in half. I keep having really malicious thoughts about myself and I'm getting really paranoid and anxious that I'm making all of this up because they just wiped me off the list for therapy. Please help me figure this out.