Well, I am writing on here as maybe I can make some sense out of how I feel and rather than write it down where no one else can make comment I thought I could write on here and people could pass comment and maybe understand where I am coming from. So, I have had a bit of a relapse. I cut really bad on Saturday night. I feel so let down with myself for doing so as not cut badly in over a year. Yeah there was a cut back in March but I think that was more doing it to see what I got out of it as was feeling numb. This time it was to cut to cut deep and make a big gash (sorry for detail). I went back on meds in about May. I was having problems with sleep and thought it may be that the depression was starting to make its ugly appearance again. I do feel bad for cutting so badly. I had internal stitches and about 5-6 external ones. At the time it didn't really hurt but now it does. I have managed to hide it from my partner by making sure I am not going to get disturbed when in the bathroom and being as though we are not sleeping in the same room at the moment it is easy to get changed without him being round. I don't feel suicidal, which for me is good. I want to cut. However, last time this is how it started. I know I need to go back to the Dr, maybe arrange counselling. I have been told so many times by the SW bloke I saw I need to arrange it but I really hate it. It takes me ages to trust anyone. I don't know what else to do. I know things aren't right. 13-15 hours of sleep each night is not normal. I am not working at the moment as I have to have a month off as of a change in my contact that I am making and I am looking for more work. I have not been at work in about 3-4 weeks now though as I was off on holiday and then I had bloody swine flu (it's not nice). So, I think I am going to contact GP ask where to go and what to do. I know I need to try and get more work for this month off as I have no money but at the same time I really can't be bothered with the search and even leaving the house to go t interviews. I am not feeling down as such - well not as bad as last time. The feeling is that I don't feel right and more anxious and scarde but I don't know of what! It is soooo frustrating! Any one else feel the same?