What's happened to me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dani_cali, Apr 9, 2010.

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  1. dani_cali

    dani_cali Member

    All the stress of the past few years with my vindictive and menacing ex has turned me into a mess. my body seems to be shutting down. i feel so weak some days, as if i am gonna pass out. like today. two days after i was served yet again notice of yet another b*llshit hearing he's applied for, slowly chipping away, he is, his little brinkmanship game...

    panic attacks have returned after years of having been managed and kept at a minimum. i cannot drive on the motorway anymore without a severe attack which makes me a danger as i feel im gonna black out thru terror. i didnt used to be this way. i am afraid to pick up the phone, afraid to open my post, afraid of tomorrow. i dont dare make plans, because the ex will just thwart them every time. everything i try, he tries to knock down.

    if he knew where i worked, he'd sabotage my job. at least i still manage to work part time, and thats become my little sanctuary. people bring me cups of tea, my god, no one's done anything for me in so long, i nearly cried the first few times someone brought me tea.

    i have days where i cant even go get food because i feel too weak and scared of passing out. i dont think its physical, i think its depression. i used to go to the gym all the time, now i seldom go, same reason. too weak. its like my body has given up.

    i have rages, i cry my eyes out, i sit like a zombie with a tear stained face, i cant sleep properly, i cannot s*it properly, i have no desire to do anything anymore apart from try to keep being a good mum to my son.

    no, i dont want him to go with his dad, then he'd turn out like him and my son mite never know the truth. this is what keeps me alive, least for now. he is a PHD with a personality disorder and sick obsession with revenge in the form of slow drip destruction of his target (normally his ex partner though its included bosses, neighbours, and even strangers who p*ss him off).

    restraining order? yeah rite. he is too clever to do anything 'concrete'... he is master at appearing 'reasonable' to everyone but those few who know him for who he really is. last time i phoned police they ended up issuing ME with a harrassment warning given the ex lied to them, told them i was the abusive one and i had threatened him, and they believed him without proof. he sways police, social workers, judges, solicitors, counselors, head teachers, teachers, neighbours, friends, ex friends, you name it. i think to myself, i cannot believe how he's fooled all of these people. but then, he fooled me, didnt he. i married him. it was only after two years into the marriage i realised what he was really like.

    how do you fite someone like that? and he's met his nemesis now. his partner, this evil ginger haired lice infested beast, is as bad as he is. and they work as a team now. she recently told my son, aged six,
    that he wasnt really my son...

    i have attended a women's group and they've been enormously supportive, but i cant make the group anymore given im in work part time now.

    i have no contact with any adults apart from at work. its very lonely. and i am immensely homesick but the ex has prevented me from visiting home by more lies and by with holding my sons passport. so im also being held to ransom here by him. 3 years now, havent been home.

    anyone know anyone ridiculously wealthy who mite help me find a solicitor?
  2. Jami e

    Jami e Member

    Awww love i'm really sorry to hear about your ex(love can be a difficult situation, As for what he's doing is sick and he doesnt need to be doing these sort of things, the bloke has nothing better to do with he's life and the torment he's enduring will come back to him alot harder then anything he's done before. It's a matter of time when, the best thing you could do now is go to the police and explain all of this because it's out of our reach. what he's doing is harrasment and that is a criminal offence. Just take in my advice and i'm sure you will work something out. Please PM if you want to talk about anything.
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