What's happenin' to me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SowrongSowrong, Jun 23, 2010.

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  1. SowrongSowrong

    SowrongSowrong Active Member

    I'm getting to be a whiner on this board, but I don't care, this is the only place I feel comfortable to talk.

    Something has been happening to me the last year.
    It started when me and my ex broke up after three years of a pretty nice and safe relationship. I am now 19 years old, and we were together from I was 15 to 18 so a pretty important part of my life was used up mostly on her (what a waste eh?)
    I am countering my depression with anti-deps, but most days still suck.

    I've been losing all my interests the last year. I don't care about anything. I find everything boring. Nothing in life is fun or interesting. I spend all day of every week of every month on my computer, which is my one and only interest.
    My parents are getting confused because a couple of years ago I was interested in a lot of stuff. Now I always say no to everything they come up with, cause it just bores me. I feel like I have no purpose. The days are just coming and going, some horrible, some ok. I have one friend I spend the most of the time with (usually the weekends) which is the only positive thing in my life right now. I find happiness in just watching a good movie, listening to good music or playing a nice game on my computer. I am a pretty Anti-Social guy and don't really like other people (to be honest).

    I don't feel ready for dating or even looking for a girlfriend, the only interest with girls would be having sex, nothing more, but I'm not the "fuckfriend" guy either. But hey, porn saves me anyway..

    I'm starting school (AGAIN!!) this autumn, and I'm fuckin' afraid.
    I'v been sitting in my room for a whole year, I'v been out of my house like 10 times the last year, and I fear it will be a shock for me to get out again.

    I don't really feel like I have anything to live for anymore. I have no hopes or dreams, almost no interests, people annoy me and my depression is like a fuckin' rollercoaster. I'm usually stressed out all the time and I have no idea why. The only thing I truly enjoy is listening to music and sleeping, anything that takes my mind to another place than this...

    I just don't fit into society. I have no energy or motivation whatsoever.
    I have no interest in working for money, I don't care, I just want to relax in a bed or sit on my computer. I can't stand being social anymore. Like I'm ever gonna spend 8 hours a day working, I'v had summerjobs before and I can't even stand working for 4 hours. That is my absolute max.
    Teachers are always mad at me at school for just leaving all the time. I just say im sick, but It's really because I can't stand being social for so long, the whole school system makes me sick. I had like 30 sickdays and 60 hours skipped last year. Every morning I have to go to school I'm almost puking (yes actually) out of depression. If it wasn't for that I don't want to dissapoint my parents I would never have said yes to the school i got into.
    Honestly I never want to go back to any school again.

    The only things in life I look forward to is watching good tv-shows and sports on tv. I know I'm pathetic, but I don't care, as long as I like what I do I don't care. I really don't care!!

    I might end it soon..

    So well, I'm gonna stop writing now...

    cu around..i guess
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the club! No offense lol :S. The only reason I'm probly sticking around is because of some TV series etc, a pepsi addiction(yea massive fail right? Apparently its caffiene or w/e) and a computer game. But I guess, what ever gets your through the day is fine with me lol. It's just slightly annoying that I have days where I wanna be dead sooo badly but I know I don't have the resources :(.

    I know what it's like with the school situation. Thankfully I just ended my second of 4 terms. I usually get Leave Passes when ever I can from mum. She writes a note basicly saying give my son an early leave pass from blah blah time. I'm in highschool so you need that kinda shit unless it's classed as wagging(skipping) school. And my parents would get pissed if I wagged and I could end up getting suspended then eventually exspelled from the school and I have never changed schools. Besides from going from primary to the highschool. Other than that if I were to leave this school I'm pretty sure I'd have no fucking confidence joining another one.

    Do your best to hang in there :) I'm hoping you'll have a slightly better day coming up. Usually happens for me :), but then it just goes back to feeling fucking shit so hey

  3. SowrongSowrong

    SowrongSowrong Active Member

    Thanks for nice answer :)

    Yeah, cool, you have a pepsi addiction too? :D I must have a bottle on my room at all times.

    I know, well I was lucky, I passed three years in high school with over a month skip days each year (i have some papers from my doctor and stuff about my conditions) so I guess that helped.

    It's just nice to know someone else is watching shows and gaming to keep alive too :)

    lol, I never have the resources either, not when I need them...not when I have these shitty fucking days where everything is horrible and nothing is nice.
  4. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    same. what I would do to be normal. I just sit around watching tv and doing computer. I never enjoyed high school much but looking back on it, it was the best days of my life compared with my situation today.

    So I can relate very much to your struggle.
  5. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    What 'helps me keep going' is just that I do pretty much the same thing every day. Not an awful lot of exciting shit going on around me lol. I don't like alot of people, the kids at school are just fucking annoying. At times I just feel like stabbing them in the face. Lol in a sick way that's kinda funny...ANYWAY lol, sometimes I wish I could just get sleeping pills so i don't have to think about going to sleep when I go to bed and then resulting in me staying up even more. It's like an off switch ya no? Get to sick of something and you can just turn it off for a while, I guess that's what I want to do with my life.
  6. SowrongSowrong

    SowrongSowrong Active Member

    Nice answers guys :)

    I had another shitty day again today. Been watching house all day to try to think of something else.

    LongRoad: Yeah sleeping pills would be awesome, just sleep away the shit.
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