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What's happening To Me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wallflower, Apr 13, 2011.

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  1. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I have gone through too much this semester of college. I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. I turn in another essay for a 69, the teacher comments "You've got a lot of great ideas but try not to take all the slices of the pie." In February I was <edit totaleclipse triggering> then my roommates forced me out of my dorm yelling at me until I broke down crying. This guy who doesn't live there said I was standing over him like a serial killer. Then I come back to my new dorm to find "I'm the shit, Bitch" written on my mirror in my NEW room! So I am being forced to report this shit because I don't know what else I can do when so many people are against me. The stress is overwhelming. All I want to do is sleep. I told my dad I wanted to go to a hospital because I was suicidal, and he said the way things are in the U.S. I wouldn't be helped and my real issue was getting my classwork done and we talked for awhile. I felt better, but it didn't help when he blasted my belief in mysticism and the occult. Little does he know that my beliefs are actually keeping me alive, he said it was all "BS" a bunch of bs. Mostly in response to the fear that I was possessed, but he still blasted it all to pieces. I felt like a piece of ME was blasted when he criticized stuff not knowing how seriously I take it. To him it's so fucking easy to blast what he dismisses through his blind faith in a God based on what he "sees" and not the actual physical parts of God. I believe in a more physical God, not a metaphorical one...I'm just falling apart. I was thinking that by going to a hospital I could retrieve parts of myself and eliminate suffering. I was thinking of a Nicotine overdose. Well, then after I found the note I gave myself a tattoo--not really--just poked my arm for an hour and now I have a snake-like scar on my left arm where all my other scratches are and it still hurts. I don't want to do anymore worse. I just feel like I can't hold it in. I feel broken. Eternally broken. Nothing is being resolved, just put under wraps. The nightmares they say aren't real, but I think they hold a truth I don't know what it is though. I wish it would end. And I can't stop being superstitious, numbers hold meanings...I was born on friday on a thirteen. Does this mean I'm unlucky or cursed by God? I also explored some Christianity and someone said on a Christian forum that since I have schizophrenia I have an automatic ticket to heaven. That's wrong, because I have free will and I AM in control of my actions, just because I suffer from delusions etc. doesn't mean I can't control my will. That's what sets me apart from many people who suffer from MI, I have willpower beyond means. But why do I consider myself weak? I can barely will myself to do assignments right now. What if I am possessed? I got into voodoo and I thought I was told I had two souls meaning a foreign one was possessing me.
    Is this true? I'm such a mess. But if I cut off my resources, communications, etc. then it won't stop me from being all delusional or wrapped up in my own world. I wish I could just figure things out. I can't shut it off and I don't want to. That's the problem, I am turning venomous and evil and spoiled rotten. I want things to matter, I want to be happy, I want to care. I want a soul. I'm sicking of being a hollow person in a hollow world.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011
  2. freddie

    freddie Well-Known Member

    Hi there.
    I'm not one for religion and religious beliefs so I'm not going to comment on anything to do with that as I feel each to their own.
    However, if it's what you believe in, no one can change that and you shouldn't be affected, if your belief in the occult is what keeps you happy and feeling secure, then continue in it, you may not need to share it with people (e.g your father) who don't believe in it. Someone shattering you're beliefs can be hard to come to terms with but at the end of the day, we're all human and believe what we want. We're all individuals.
    It sounds like if you truly believe all these people are against you then you need to get to somewhere safe. You can decide for yourself if you want to admit yourself somewhere or get some proffesional help.
    As for the incident in February, I don't know if you have told anyone about this, but it'd be very wise to in an environment you feel safe and comfortable in and when you are ready to. Things like this need to be dealt with so it doesn't continue happening. That's only of course if you have much information and have the bravery to do so, I know people very close to me this has happened to and it hasn't been brought out in the open at all. So this is just an observation.
    It sounds like you have a lot of things on your mind and it's going to take a long time to come to terms with things and resolve them.
    Stick to what you believe in, get yourself somewhere you feel safe and comfortable, and only share you information and beliefs with people you know will not judge you.
    It's much easier to feel comfortable with yourself if you are comfortable with your surroundings.
    It's not a solution sorry, but hopefully some obvious advice which is food for thought :)
    I hope you're feeling strong.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sorry that this is going on

    I think your dad is wrong that the thing you need to worry about is your school work. I think that all too often parents think that as long as you are getting good grades, everything is ok

    I'm wondering if it is even a good idea for you to be in school now at all, and especially to be at a school where the environment is so negative

    I hope that things can get better!
  4. Green.Triceratops

    Green.Triceratops Account Closed

    What you've been trying to do doesnt seem to be working. And i'm sorry, but Its been my experience that to control schizophrenia you need medication. And definitely therapy for your traumatic sexual past. Maybe hospitalization wouldnt be so bad? Dad doesnt sound that supportive, maybe listen to less biased words. Not mine, but someone like a therapist, who will accept your religious beliefs, not "blast" them.

    Take care of yourself, because no one else has to live as you.
  5. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    You commented on schizophrenia. Have you been formally diagnosed with it? And has anyone ever commented to you that you might be schizotypal?

    First, you said you were gang-raped and sodomized. Did you tell anyone? If you didn't, why not?

    Second, you're allowed to have whatever beliefs you want. People think mine are crazy, too. But I'm worried you may be overly preoccupied with them, causing your interpersonal and academic lives to suffer. So as is the case with everyone else, it's best if we keep our religious beliefs private.

    Third, I have to admit that your writing style and train of thought are erratic enough to suspect that the thought disorder sometimes present in schizophrenia (or schizotypal personality disorder) might be present. Your symptoms may be worsening, possibly as a result of stress. You said your father disagrees that being in a hospital is a good idea. If your symptoms get any worse, you may have to anyway.

    The first thing you say in this post is that you've gone through too much during this semester at college. That leads me to believe that you need solace, some form of relief. You never mentioned having a therapist or psychiatrist to help you in times like these. Do you have one, both, or neither? If you don't, listen to me when I say that it would be in your best interest to utilize your nearest emergency room if things get any worse. You're clearly stressed out, and I want it so you don't feel that way anymore. If you go over the edge, you will relapse, and probably be forced to take a medical leave from school. So about the ER, do you think you can do that?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011
  6. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hail and welcome!

    I was a pagan for 2 years. I still meet up for the Solstice events and Samhain. I love it and practice many of the arts. I no longer believe in a god or gods, but believe in mother mature and the power of the moon and sun. I an also close friends with a high priestess who is an amazing witch (which is what I practice even though i'm a man) Its an amazing religion and you dont sound mad at all. I dont think your possessed.

    You went through a very traumatic event that I hope you reported so on one else goes through it. You have also been treated very bad. You do need help and I think you should try to get it without hurting yourself. Please stay strong. Blessed be.
  7. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I have a diagnosis of the MI schizo-affective disorder, but it's usually not obvious to people including my family because I keep it under control. But, I'm not sure how erratic I sound. I am careless sometimes with writing. Right now I'm super depressed. I have one month left and my dad said I'll be upset if I let myself down by quitting after having worked so hard.

    What is a schizo-typal personality disorder? My psychiatrist brought this up once and said it meant I was anti-social or something? At that point I had friends and I still socialize, the reason I don't like socializing is because people always end up hurting me. It has nothing to do with some embedded personality, but with my experiences in life.

    Sometimes I feel like this whole crazy game is a self-fulfilling prophecy! Sometimes the system itself is what is the most abusive, and causing the suicidal feelings in the first place.

    Schizophrenia is one reason I feel suicidal.

    I can't seem to come to terms with schizophrenia, at the moment.

    Maybe if schizophrenia were thought of as some kind of Language of Thought, then I could pin it down and overcome it? I've been fighting and struggling with the darkness that is schizophrenia. It starts out with impressions. I'll be in a museum and suddenly I'll hear people whisper in another world, that I'm really in an institution. I'll look at a door and think I'm really locked behind that door in a cell.

    How real is non-reality? Confusing...that's for sure. Because then, what would happen when you opened that door? And saw yourself there in that cell? What would that do to reality? Break it apart? Make it seem like a dream? Like an illusion? The only reason I wouldn't see that girl on the other-side of the door is because of God. God negates our fears. So what if I want to make God real? I could wipe out suffering!

    I'm really abstract...and I don't know. Call it a creative spark that just won't die out. Or maybe I am insane, and there's nothing to reality but what we are told. Of course, if people weren't so cruel I'm sure I'd know by now.
  8. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I'm dying as an act of protest against human ill treatment. I'm dying for all those held in solitary confinement in prisons across the world. I'm dying in defense of activists and armies who will not kill their fellow brother or sister. I'm dying for the crazed slaves of technology, for the women in sweat-shops and forced abortions, I'm dying for the teen who is into Goth when no one accepts her/him, for the male prostitutes and cocaine addicts.

    I'm dying laughing in the face of irony at a world too crazy to know the difference between madness and injustice, between truth and lie, between good and evil, God and Satan, fantasy and reality. I'm dying because the world may end tomorrow. I'm dying a hero, a freak, a waste, a woman, a girl who never lived her full life because humanity pressured her too much into fitting in with a society that cursed her. I was born human and died a schizophrenic. I was born normal and died crazed with love for only the truth...and that my one flaw--I was sane in a crazy world.
  9. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I'm familiar with schizoaffective, and its two types. About the schizotypal personality disorder, it'll be much easier to show you than tell you: link

    You said your dad said you would be upset if you didn't finish this last month. How do you feel about that? I'm having difficulty gauging how important that is to you.

    One last thing. You didn't answer all my questions, namely whether or not you told anyone about the gang-rape. If you didn't tell anyone, why not?

    Edit: What are you saying in your second post? You say many times that you're "dying" for something. What do you mean?
  10. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I didn't come on here to be interrogated.
  11. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    We arent interogating you, we are asking questions to see if we can help more hun :hug:
  12. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    How can you not understand how relationships work? They're a give and take. I'm not retarded. Fuck that psychiatrist...neways, I told him I had friends. Just because I happen to have one MI doesn't mean I have them all.

    :moonwalk:Schizotypal personality disorder — Comprehensive overview covers symptoms, causes, treatment of this socially isolating disorder.


    People with schizotypal personality disorder are often described as odd or eccentric, and usually have few, if any, close relationships. They generally don't understand how relationships form, leading to severe anxiety and a tendency to turn inward in social situations.

    In schizotypal personality disorder, people also exhibit odd behaviors, respond inappropriately to social cues :irony:and hold peculiar beliefs.


    Schizotypal personality disorder typically begins in early:unsure: adulthood and is likely to endure, though symptoms may improve with age. Medications and therapy also may help.


    People with classic schizotypal personalities are apt to be loners. They feel extremely anxious in social situations (I wonder why, we stigmatize and label them crazy, not like that causes any sort of anxiety), but they're likely to blame their social failings on others. They view themselves as (really?) alien or outcast, and this isolation causes pain as they avoid relationships and the outside world. (I disagree)

    People with schizotypal personalities may ramble oddly and endlessly during a conversation. They may dress in peculiar ways and have very strange ways of viewing the world around them. Often they believe in unusual ideas, such as the powers of OOPS? ESP or a sixth sense. At times, they believe they can magically influence people's thoughts:poo:, actions and emotions.

    In adolescence, signs of a schizotypal personality may begin as an increased interest in solitary activities or a high level of social anxiety. The child may be an underperformer (you mean over-performer?) in school or appear socially out-of-step with peers, and as a result often becomes the subject of bullying or teasing.

    Schizotypal personality disorder symptoms include:

    * Incorrect interpretation of events, including feeling that external events have personal meaning
    * Peculiar thinking, beliefs or behavior
    * Belief in special powers, such as telepathy

    * Perceptual alterations, in some cases bodily illusions, including phantom pains or other distortions in the sense of touch
    * Idiosyncratic speech, such as loose or vague patterns of speaking or tendency to go off on tangents
    * Suspicious or paranoid ideas
    * Flat emotions or inappropriate emotional responses
    * Lack of close friends outside of the immediate family
    * Persistent and excessive social anxiety that doesn't abate with time

    Schizotypal personality disorder can easily be confused: with schizophrenia, a severe mental illness in which affected people lose all contact with reality (psychosis). While people with schizotypal personalities may experience brief psychotic episodes with delusions or hallucinations, they are not as frequent or intense as in schizophrenia.

    Another key distinction between schizotypal personality disorder and schizophrenia is that people with the personality disorder usually:itachi:can be made aware of the difference between their distorted ideas and reality. Those with schizophrenia generally can't be swayed from their delusions.

    Both disorders, along with schizoid personality disorder, belong to what's generally referred to as the schizophrenic spectrum. Schizotypal personality falls in the middle of the spectrum, with schizoid personality disorder on the milder end and schizophrenia on the more severe end.

    When to see a doctor
    Because personality tends to become entrenched as people age, it's best to seek treatment for a personality disorder as early as possible.

    People with schizotypal personality are likely to seek help only at the urging of friends or relatives. If you suspect a friend or family member may have the disorder, be on the lookout for certain signs. You might gently suggest that the person seek medical attention, starting with a primary care physician or mental health provider.

    Personality is the combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that makes you unique. It's the way you view, understand and relate to the outside world, as well as how you see yourself. Personality forms during childhood, shaped through an interaction of inherited tendencies and environmental factors.

    When someone chronically feels or behaves in an inappropriate way, that person has a personality disorder.

    In normal development, children learn over time to accurately interpret social cues and respond appropriately. For people with schizotypal personalities, something goes wrong during this process, leading to illogical beliefs, magical thinking and paranoia. What exactly goes wrong isn't known, but it's likely that one or more factors — such as childhood abuse, neglect or stress — cause problems with the way the brain functions.

    Until recently, doctors generally believed that once a personality disorder has developed, it will last throughout life. However, it's thought that symptoms of conditions such as schizotypal personality disorder may improve over time. Factors that appear most likely to reduce the symptoms of this disorder include positive:bubble: relationships with friends and family as well as a sense of achievement at school, work and in extracurricular activities.

    These experiences may create a protective effect by fostering — among other positive traits — self-confidence, a belief in one's ability to overcome difficulty and a sense of social support. In addition, early interventions such as youth programs that :aussie: and strong community relationships may help prevent personality disorders in at-risk children. The earlier these kinds of interventions reach a child in any challenging situation, the better are his or her chances of doing well. :mhmm:
  13. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Sometimes it just doesn't make sense....
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011
  14. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I apologize if it sounded like I was being intrusive. I'm just trying to help to the best of my ability, not to interrogate you.

    I think the bottom line here is that if your symptoms get bad enough that you can't finish the rest of the semester, you should ask your father if you can take a medical leave so you can become stable while you finish your classes. That way, your classes will still be there when you come back, and you'll have received the help you need.
  15. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Do you think that would work? What about finals? I could finish them on my own time? I'm not sure how bad the symptoms are. Basically, I've been isolating myself a lot, eating alone etc. I know I'm not myself, for one when I have symptoms my personality feels less feminine and more masculine. Which is strange, like splintered. I don't know how to put it, I'm just seriously flighty and I'm not sure the meds I take are working well enough.

    There's nothing "wrong" per-se though, at least in my mind. Or am I denying something, I've got to quit smoking for one. I'm seriously depressed. Should I just stop caring about what's bothering me? would that help?

    I don't have the willpower to smoke, but I can't quit. It's making it worse...the smoking is increasing my symptoms...I don't know what to do. I managed to write my 4 page essay and yet I didn't even get a C. I think I'll call my family...

    My worry is I'm getting paranoid and making it more of an issue than it needs to be. Like, I found out the notes on the mirror were there before I moved in, I think...
  16. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    hi wallflower first of all *hug I know and understand the pain you are in last night I attempted and I phoned an ambulance this morning after which I have recived real help I have been put in a crisses unit and it feels so good just to have someone to talk to please please phone an ambulance they are understanding it will help tell them you attempted through self harm you will see someone to day and if you feel you can not say the words ask for some paper and a penand some time to write it all down please do not try an OD espacly a nicotine one I tried to OD it hurts so very much I do not have words to describe the pain I do not wish to take your choice away just show you the other choice show you there is help you sound like a loving caring person you sound like a beta wolf just like me do not let this get you down scream shout kick fight for life it is worth it so very worth it show the world you are a strong proud wolf get the help you need please for me your dad is so wrong your belifes are yours and they are real to you stand up shout at the world make them hear your voice. Also sorry I am typing this on a phone so it will be horrible to read.
  17. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Well, yes, your finals would also be on hold. You wouldn't be getting zeros on them.

    It's always your call and yours alone. It may help to get an objective viewpoint from someone at your school, like a professor. They would be familiar with you, they would know how you work. They may tell you that at the rate you've been going, you should be able to finish the semester. Or they'll say you won't. But I understand it's a difficult decision to make, and I think an objective viewpoint could help give you some extra perspective, if you want it.

    EDIT: Ritsu, I really don't think phoning an ambulance is necessary at this point. I realize you have her best interests in mind, but in my opinion something that extreme is not necessary at the moment, unless wallflower decides so.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011
  18. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    *hugs* thanks, I think I will try to get to a hospital so I can recover. I'm glad you've received help and that you're still strong and surviving life.
  19. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I think I'll be ok, I'm just going to try and contact someone to check on options.
  20. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    thank you hon *hug call an ambulance do it know don't walk in you will be waiting hours to be seen and the walk gives you a chance to turn around tell them about everything they will give you loving care and meds and make sure you do not hurt yourself anymore ok *hug I am so happy you are chosing to fight you make me proud you are a wolf I knew it and I will be so proud to accept you into my pack (my family) show us all what you can do.
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