I have gone through too much this semester of college. I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. I turn in another essay for a 69, the teacher comments "You've got a lot of great ideas but try not to take all the slices of the pie." In February I was <edit totaleclipse triggering> then my roommates forced me out of my dorm yelling at me until I broke down crying. This guy who doesn't live there said I was standing over him like a serial killer. Then I come back to my new dorm to find "I'm the shit, Bitch" written on my mirror in my NEW room! So I am being forced to report this shit because I don't know what else I can do when so many people are against me. The stress is overwhelming. All I want to do is sleep. I told my dad I wanted to go to a hospital because I was suicidal, and he said the way things are in the U.S. I wouldn't be helped and my real issue was getting my classwork done and we talked for awhile. I felt better, but it didn't help when he blasted my belief in mysticism and the occult. Little does he know that my beliefs are actually keeping me alive, he said it was all "BS" a bunch of bs. Mostly in response to the fear that I was possessed, but he still blasted it all to pieces. I felt like a piece of ME was blasted when he criticized stuff not knowing how seriously I take it. To him it's so fucking easy to blast what he dismisses through his blind faith in a God based on what he "sees" and not the actual physical parts of God. I believe in a more physical God, not a metaphorical one...I'm just falling apart. I was thinking that by going to a hospital I could retrieve parts of myself and eliminate suffering. I was thinking of a Nicotine overdose. Well, then after I found the note I gave myself a tattoo--not really--just poked my arm for an hour and now I have a snake-like scar on my left arm where all my other scratches are and it still hurts. I don't want to do anymore worse. I just feel like I can't hold it in. I feel broken. Eternally broken. Nothing is being resolved, just put under wraps. The nightmares they say aren't real, but I think they hold a truth I don't know what it is though. I wish it would end. And I can't stop being superstitious, numbers hold meanings...I was born on friday on a thirteen. Does this mean I'm unlucky or cursed by God? I also explored some Christianity and someone said on a Christian forum that since I have schizophrenia I have an automatic ticket to heaven. That's wrong, because I have free will and I AM in control of my actions, just because I suffer from delusions etc. doesn't mean I can't control my will. That's what sets me apart from many people who suffer from MI, I have willpower beyond means. But why do I consider myself weak? I can barely will myself to do assignments right now. What if I am possessed? I got into voodoo and I thought I was told I had two souls meaning a foreign one was possessing me. Is this true? I'm such a mess. But if I cut off my resources, communications, etc. then it won't stop me from being all delusional or wrapped up in my own world. I wish I could just figure things out. I can't shut it off and I don't want to. That's the problem, I am turning venomous and evil and spoiled rotten. I want things to matter, I want to be happy, I want to care. I want a soul. I'm sicking of being a hollow person in a hollow world.