Whats Left To Do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Keiran, Jan 9, 2011.

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  1. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    I've been depressed for a long time, but over the past couple of weeks I have been inactive on here, thinking about everything. I knew it was only a matter of time before I ended up back on here. So here I am.

    I told my parents about a month ago that I was depressed. I had sent an email to my mom(people on here suggested I tell her), because there was no way I could tell her in person.

    I was hurled with question after question. I hated it. Every minute of it was horrible. But I knew that it would all be okay in the end. So I went through it, and now I am right back where I was, as if I had never said anything. Mom stopped talking to me about it after a week or so. She hasn't mentioned it once since then except for the other day when she said I'm seem to be doing much better.

    But I never actually got any help. I'm not at all better. If anything I'm worse.

    Now I just wish I had never told her.

    I want to kill myself more than ever. Right now. Here. While I'm typing this. I just want to die. It's a cold world and the only reason I know there is still life out there is because of school.

    You know, I have a friend, and she tried to kill herself once. She took many pills. She was lucky she lived, but it was just a coincidence that I had a friend that was also suicidal. I had not known for a long while until we really started opening up to each other.

    And yet she has stopped me from doing the same to myself, time after time. But it's almost as if there's one time where she just won't be able to stop me.

    I want to be free. Free from this cruel life.

    Both my brothers have bunch of friends, have over 4.0 GPA, and are both going to college(one is in college, other got accepted and will be going next year). I won't even have a 3.0 after this semester. Most likely, I will not get into a university. I'll probably have to go to community college. I have no future.

    I just want to kill myself already and let others get on with their life. I may be missed by my family, but no one else. And that is true. I'm never asked why I was gone from school one day. Hell, I was gone a whole week once, and nobody asked me why I'd been gone. Nobody cares, and neither do I.

    I'm gonna go plan my death.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Keiran. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad right now, but please don't give up. I agree that the world can be a harsh place to live, but there are some good people still left in it. Just a matter of finding them. I'm also sorry to hear that you're friend is also suicidal, but you both can support each other during your most difficult times. Many people aren't fortunate enough to have someone who truly understands what they are going through. :hug:
  3. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    Hello Keiran,

    Sorry to hear you are feeling really low and :welcome: back I am glad you are looking for help and supprt again that is a huge step to take sometimes. I am glad you took the advice about telling your mum, that a very corageos thing to do. But it doesn't look like it came out as you planned, what did you want from your mum? such as what sort of supprt and help? Could you ask her to put you in to couselling as you are still feeling bad, maybe take your friend with you next time you speak to her so your friend can support you.

    It seems like your friend is really careing when she has had some rough time them selves, I am glad that person is reaching out to you, maybe you could do the same to her, how would that feel?

    It seems like your brothers make you feel small with their big group of friends, sometimes being in big groups can isolate members so its not always to great, small group gets around to everyone. You seem highly worried about your future this is a very normal emotion that many people feel at your age you will get the grade you want if you believe in yourself and not let yourself down you are stronger than your thought together we can fight your battles **hugs**
  4. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    At this point I don't even want to bring it up to my mom anymore. And yea it didn't really turn out as I expected. I just don't even know anymore...

    By the way, Perfect Angel, my name used to be apwhitelaw. I'm sure you remember me.
  5. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    Corce I do, I could never forget that :)
    I realised when I visited your wall :)
    I'm here if you need to tal have a virtual hug for now :hug:
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    your mom was very irresponsible to not get you any help. you need to bring it up again, as unpleasant as it might be. you need anti depressants and counselling to give you some coping skills. it's your life on the line here. time to get serious about this.
  7. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    ....I can't.

    That once was enough for me...
  8. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I know it was really hard for you to tell your mum that. It's like me randomly saying "I'm sad", or what ever, out loud. It just DOESN'T HAPPEN.

    Are you able to send another email to your mum saying "it's" gotten worse?
  9. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    I could...but I just really don't wanna even bring it up anymore.
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I understand it must have been uncomfortable with your Mum Keiran but please go talk to her again...I'm sure she wants to help but just doesn't know how to go about it..
    something simple like "Mum I need to see a doctor.." and keep repeating it until she gets it..
    she would be devastated if she loses you so give her another chance to help
  11. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    What IV said. If your mum doesn't know what to do, just keep saying "I need to see a doctor". Before you know it, she's driving you there. Then you can tell him/her that you're not feeling better. Then they'd go about a med change and might look into therapy? I don't know. When ever I had to go to the doctors(like once every few years for something different), mum always came in with me so it's not like I could freely say "I currently feel like killing myself", or something relative to that.
  12. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    I found out today I have certain substances in my household(it'll get censored out anyways, so no point in saying it) and while they are not available for use now, I will be able to get them when no one is home. Tomorrow, no one is home.

    I will be holding it in my hand and I will have to make my choice and figure things out. There are only two people in this world that could stop me. I promised both of them I would talk to them before I would ever do anything. I am keeping that promise. Of course neither of them will let me do this to myself, but I just can't stand this anymore.

    I don't do anything or go anywhere. Last night I was up at 4 AM, and I thought, I should go to bed, it's late. Then I realized, what I do during the day, is no different than what I do at night, so there is no point in going to bed. Hell I wasn't even tired. I've given up at this point...
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