What's left?

[nomore76]

What's the point when you are so scarred and jaded by life and have nothing good to offer anyone else other than making them miserable as well? I have a son who needs me....but sometimes I think I do more harm than good. He just seems like a very confused little boy who doesn't understand why his mommy is sad all the time. Maybe he takes it all to heart and I'm ruining him too.
I can't have a relationship with anyone because they don't want to take on the responsibility of helping to care for my son for the rest of his life...and they can't deal with or accept that the pain that I carry from all that and even before him just never seems to go away. I'm.....damaged goods....and I'd rather be dead than be a cancer in the life of everyone I know. I have no redeeming qualities.
More and more I truly believe that I just....wasn't meant to be here to begin with...and maybe the fact that my life has been nothing but a train wreck from Day 1 is a sign that I've always been living on borrowed time that I didn't deserve to begin with. I need to start planning for the inevitable, I guess.

 

[Speedy]

Howdy there. As a son (and a young one, at that), I think your son who is still growing up will garner a better understanding of what you're going through as he grows up. I think single mothers are poised and their time and effort dedicated to their kids.. it's incredibly respectable and much appreciated. :hug:

With gratitude,

Mr. A

 

[roscho]

Nomore,

This is a good place to vent. You can talk to many people and get a variety of feedback. I don't know, I found the feedback very helpful. It saved my life.

Your life is overwhelming. Talk to me in PM if you wish, or anybody else, but talking is therapy, and it helps. Everybody here has been down, some of us further than others, but all have some insight to what is taking place in your head.

 

[nomore76]

My son has Down Syndrome....he doesn't really grasp my pain. He just gets upset and hugs me.....but it makes him very nervous because I can see in his eyes that he doesn't understand, and maybe thinks he's done something wrong. He's only 11.....he doesn't deserve this shit. He's had enough to deal with in life already....and much more to come in the future. He deserves a better life and I feel completely incapable of giving him that anymore because I just don't CARE about living anymore. And that makes me feel HORRIBLE....that I can't make myself care about life for HIM. He deserves so much more.
I just feel like....I wore out my welcome in this world a LONG time ago, and all this time that I've still been here I've just brought others down with me. I'm not normal and never have been. The world is fucked up enough as it is....it doesn't need another loser in it screwing up the happiness of others.
I have life insurance.....just need to make it look like an accident so I can leave this world knowing he'll be financially taken care of. He'll forget about me hopefully if he knows what's best for him.

 

[Speedy]

What a poignant paragraph. :hug:

If I were your son, I'd just want to know that I'm loved and feel loved.

 

[nomore76]

I love him....more than anything. He's an adorable, wonderful little boy. But I'm TIRED....I'm so tired that I can barely function anymore. It's pathetic....it's like he's taking care of me. I moved out of state to get him in a better school system and so I could stop working and spend more time with him. Working was sucking the life out of me, so there was nothing left when I came home. I moved in with a friend (after her BEGGING me to come)....and now I feel totally unwelcome in her home. She gets aggravated easily being around my son because he has behaviors related to his disability and she is very passive-aggressive about the whole thing. Now I'm stuck....almost 1000 miles away from my family. I'm not working, yet I'm still completely burnt out. Can barely leave the house without having unbearable panic attacks. I mean....I can be at the damn grocery store and I'll literally start to feel like I'm dying. I made a stupid choice and now he's paying for it. I TRIED.....I really did....but everything's blowing up in my face like always, except this time I'm DONE. I just feel completely incapable of making myself care anymore. My son has his dad in Florida......he'll be cared for. I just need to plan accordingly so that his dad has the finances to help care for him for the rest of his life. I hate every fiber of myself for wanting this.....but I just CAN'T do it anymore....I'm tired and I just want to sleep....there's no pain and loneliness when you sleep.

 

[Speedy]

He's fortunate to have someone like you sacrificing so much for him, for his future. Until you feel better, and so you can escape from with your passive-aggressive friend, maybe letting someone be his legal guardian (like his dad who you said cares for him) is something you will continue to think about. There's no rush to make a decision. :hug: I know finances may be a problem..

That way, maybe you can move back closer to family and not feel like you're burdening him by how you act around your son. Starting fresh, with a different job, a change of scenery.. perhaps it's something to consider if you haven't already. Just thoughts.

Big hugs to you :hugtackles:

 

[nomore76]

It's so hard for me to admit defeat. Especially when my family, as much as they love me (I think), doesn't understand why I can't "snap out of it" because he's more important right now. And they're RIGHT....how do I argue with that? I used to have a great outlet....I got into working out heavily. I was able to work off the stress and push the anger and pain into my workouts. But then trying to get my family to watch my son so I could go workout became an inconvenience for them. They'd be like "can't you work out another day??!" And I tried to tell them...."NO.....I NEED THIS....I have NOTHING else. Why can't I have this ONE thing?!" It HURTS to feel totally misunderstood. I'm made to feel more ashamed of my actions rather than feel compassion and understanding from my family and friends. It's almost like they think I should just keep sacrificing and sacrificing. Well guess what? I've done that my WHOLE LIFE.....even long before my son came along....and now I've screwed myself because there's nothing left for ME:*(. And that HURTS SO BAD....that I want to find a way to take care of ME too, but to everyone that should matter in my life....I'll forever be acting "selfish"...and yes I have been told that. I just....don't get it...and I just don't care to figure it out anymore. What's okay for everyone else just never seems to be okay for me:*(. Why? Why don't I deserve that too?:*(

 

[Sadeyes]

As your son has a developmental issue, are there services available to you, such as respite care or personal care aide which can provide some support? It seems that besides the issues of caring for your son, and being away from your family, which was your support system, you can use time for yourself, which respiste care can provide...just a thought...J

 

[Sais]

Hello,

Your story reminds me so much of Anne Sexton's. So I'd like to recommend you her biography written by Dianne Midlebrook. It's based on the recordings of her therapy sessions, her therapist proposed her to write poetry, first as a help for those like her, to help them, and it did help first her, then others, like me
I understand how hard it must be for you, if you need to talk to someone, I'm around
here's a poem of hers:
"Wanting to Die

Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.
I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.
Then the almost unnameable lust returns.

Even then I have nothing against life.
I know well the grass blades you mention,
the furniture you have placed under the sun.

But suicides have a special language.
Like carpenters they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build.

Twice I have so simply declared myself,
have possessed the enemy, eaten the enemy,
have taken on his craft, his magic.

In this way, heavy and thoughtful,
warmer than oil or water,
I have rested, drooling at the mouth-hole.

I did not think of my body at needle point.
Even the cornea and the leftover urine were gone.
Suicides have already betrayed the body.

Still-born, they don't always die,
but dazzled, they can't forget a drug so sweet
that even children would look on and smile.

To thrust all that life under your tongue!—
that, all by itself, becomes a passion.
Death's a sad Bone; bruised, you'd say,

and yet she waits for me, year after year,
to so delicately undo an old wound,
to empty my breath from its bad prison.

Balanced there, suicides sometimes meet,
raging at the fruit, a pumped-up moon,
leaving the bread they mistook for a kiss,

leaving the page of the book carelessly open,
something unsaid, the phone off the hook
and the love, whatever it was, an infection."
— Anne Sexton
It really is a good example on how beautiful things may grow out of the greatest sorrow. I wish you all the best! And if you decide to read the book let me know what you think of it.

 

[Sais]

Here is another quote:
"Anne, I don't want to live. . . . Now listen, life is lovely, but I Can't Live It. I can't even explain. I know how silly it sounds . . . but if you knew how it Felt. To be alive, yes, alive, but not be able to live it. Ay that's the rub. I am like a stone that lives . . . locked outside of all that's real. . . . Anne, do you know of such things, can you hear???? I wish, or think I wish, that I were dying of something for then I could be brave, but to be not dying, and yet . . . and yet to [be] behind a wall, watching everyone fit in where I can't, to talk behind a gray foggy wall, to live but to not reach or to reach wrong . . . to do it all wrong . . . believe me, (can you?) . . . what's wrong. I want to belong. I'm like a jew who ends up in the wrong country. I'm not a part. I'm not a member. I'm frozen."
— Anne Sexton (Anne Sexton: A Self-Portrait in Letters)

You deserve more too, I always thought that for these periods of great pain there will be some positive payback, as if some people should first get all the suffering out, and then live, it's been something like that for me in the past. You need to know that there are people who survived this. Maybe you could find something you like doing, like writing, painting, or another form of art expression, you have so much feelings you could work with in a constructive way.
Hugs!

 

[nomore76]

Thank you for your replies. There is such a thing as respite care....but to be honest, I'd NEVER leave my child with someone I didn't know. The HORROR stories I've heard about some of those places and people that work for those organizations. I know that's a broad judgment, but a lot of times kids like my son end up getting physically or sexually abused in those situations because they're the perfect little victims. They can't comprehend what's happening to them, so they can't tell you. This is an ongoing thing I have to deal with too. When my son started elementary school I met his teacher, who seemed so loving and caring. Halfway through the year the class size got too big and the class was split. He ended up with one of the class assistants that had finished getting his teaching certificate. I wasn't happy about it at first, but the guy ended up being the best teacher my kid ever had. Meanwhile, the teacher he started with was ARRESTED for beating a boy who was autistic AND Down Syndrome right in the class in front of the other students AND an assistant, who watched it all happen for 20 MINUTES before finally getting the administration. Would you believe that woman never lost a paycheck and was never fired? So, as you can see....I have VERY LITTLE trust in the people that are supposed to help care for people like my son because many of them are only doing it for the money because it's a job most people won't take. When I moved where I am my friend insisted she'd help as much as she could. I can't get her to keep an eye on him for 10 minutes so I can take a damn shower ( a LUXURY in my world ) without getting an eye roll, or coming out of the shower to find her ignoring him and he's into everything. You can't take your eyes off him for a second. Sucks:/.

What's the name of the biography? I always looking for someone or something I can relate to. Thank you for those poems. They definitely hit close to home.

 

[Sais]

Anne Sexton - A Biography
by Diane Wood Middlebrook

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/47731.Anne_Sexton