I'm not sure the point of this post. I come here from time to time, mostly just read and feel encouraged by seeing the encouragement that you guys give to each other. I only post occasionally. Sometimes I start a post and delete it because it seems pointless but I think tonight maybe I just need the satisfaction of having all the crazy out of my head and into something else. First, I'm not suicidal...but that's not because I feel good about life, just because I know it wouldn't be fair at all to a few key others who really don't deserve to have to deal with coping in the aftermath. And I'm living an aftermath kind of life that's not fair, so I don't want to be the cause of someone else's unfair aftermath kind of life. Life is filled with so much pain, I vow to never cause other people pain if I can help it. So...I'm stuck here for now. But anyways, that's not a relief to me. Sometimes, when life gets overwhelming I find some sort of odd comfort in the thought that I could leave this planet if I really, really can't stand it anymore. However, when I remind myself of my obligations, it kind of acts as yet another painful burden. It's like being on a painful treadmill without even the option of getting off. [This is the spot where I usually say...what are you doing? Delete this post idiot!!!! But I'm not this time, even if it's dumb, depressing and too long for someone else to read. It'll get posted.] So, what's my deal? Everything is my deal. I think I've been depressed for most of my life. I remember attempting to commit suicide when I was like 12 or 13, but I was so lame that I took the wrong medication and it had no effect whatsoever, aside from maybe giving me a slight upset stomach for the night and clearer skin much faster (took acne medication but meant to take asthma medication). I don't think I have a chemical issue, I've got family drama issues. [Here is the point where paranoia usually makes me want to stop. I fear some relative will happen upon my words and it will embarrass or upset them. But I don't want to be deterred, so I'll just fuzzy up some of the specific details so that it's ambiguous enough not to raise a flag.] My parents were super special from the very beginning!!!!!!!!!! Dad was a typical jerk person, from what they say and ditched my mom once I showed up. So, did she woman up and say screw you jerk? Nope, she said screw you kid and allegedly tried to "get rid" of me! But I can't pin that on her for sure because I was an infant and don't remember, ha. But I do know that she left me with her mom and left town with my dad. Great job guys! Grandma was truly a wonderful person and I thank God for her. Her love has probably been the most stabilizing factor in my world and I don't know where I'd be without it. She has now lost her mind to Alzheimers, so I don't really have her anymore but I do have all of our memories and I like to think that deep down in there she still has me in her heart. Anyways, back to parents. They came and went throughout childhood. I think periodically they would come get me and try to do the parent thing and I really think they wanted to be good at it all but they just weren't. My dad was abusive and my mom was...who knows what....totally enraptured with my dad. He could come and go and that was alright with her. She just pretended not to see anything going on with him. I always loved to see him GO and really loved it when it was time to go back to grandma. I remember sexual stuff from my dad happening as early as 5 or 6 years old. I don't remember specifics from that age, but I do remember my odd feelings and interactions with him. I knew that I didn't like being near him and even pretended to be asleep to avoid sitting with him or giving him a hug. But from time periods a little beyond that, I remember specifics. I spent a lot of time pretending to be asleep and trying to baracade and overcover myself before bed but he would still show up. And somehow my mom never, ever suspected anything? She could tell if I made a move in the house anytime day or not, but never when he was moving around somewhere he shouldn't have been? Oddly enough, I have more frustration with my mom than my dad...and that fact frustrates me too. Being a girl, why do the girls get so much blame??? But here I am shooting more blame at the girl.....Grrrrr But somehow in my mind he is a sick freak who is subhuman anyways...but she was my mom, who was supposed to love me. If your mom gave your dog your dinner, you wouldn't be pissed at the dog because it's not capable of higher reasoning! You are pissed at the person who gave the dumb dog permission to eat your food. And sexual abuse isn't the only thing... I suppose it never is. There is always more stuff with it. Drug use, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, periodic homelessness, deception, lies, etc...all things that peppered my childhood. And of course if your home life is that jacked up it's impossible to hide it at school. And since we know that kids are super great to each other (NOT) any hit of an abnormality gets you bullied and talked about a lot. I was well out of high school before I ever even gave myself permission to think...wow, your life was messed up! But even though I never really understood that my life wasn't normal, I always understood that it was bad. I just assumed that bad was normal for most folks. Only TV people are happy, real people aren't. But even now, knowing that my life was not normal, giving myself permission to feel a little betrayed, forgiving people for past hurts, etc. I still feel like I don't fit in this world. I don't have a single current disaster that makes me want to run off and kill myself...I just have a steady and regular pain that hits me when I wake up and stays with me most days till I fall asleep. I'm 30 years old and I've had it since I was like 6. Life sucks, people suck and I'm so not normal! I go to lunch with coworkers and they have all these nice, neat little stories about college, kids, growing up, etc. I don't tell my stories because they aren't nice or neat and don't give people warm mushy feelings at lunch. I feel like a fake person or a secret person who just keeps getting up because I don't have another option and I'm just so tired of it. That sounds dismal....again, I know I must keep getting up. I must keep trying to be. I must keep trying. My life is still pretty crappy...maybe because I don't have good coping or problem solving skills or something...who knows. Maybe it has nothing to do with childhood. I'm usually broke because I can't manage my money to save my life. My health is bad, I'm fat and I'm chronically disorganized. Is it because I'm a broken person who never learned to operate in a normal world or would I be this way even if things had been perfect? Does it even matter? And is there a way to fix it? Or do I just have to keep doing this till I turn 60 or something? I would not kill myself, but I sure would like to know how it feels not to want too!