What's on my mind

I actually just found this page. I should honestly be in bed right now, but as always I can't sleep. I'm feeling so much and so little all at the same time. I don't know how to tell anyone what is going on in my head.

I ended a relationship a couple of years ago. Not only did I lose the person I loved, but my best friend and confidant all at the same time. Of course I wouldn't let myself think or feel anything at the time. I moved back home and plunged myself into work. I lost the scholarship I had for college, so now I'm paying for it myself.....I feel like I'm making absolutely no progress towards finishing anytime soon. My dad means well. He would help me, but his divorce has left him pretty much broke.

I don't know why I can't stop thinking about her lately. There were so many things left unsaid. I was so stupid then, letting jealousy ruin a good thing. She's happy now with the person she is with now.

I just applied for a promotion at work. Anxiety and doubt are the only things I feel there. My roommate also put in for the same promotion, and if he gets it, I would be crushed.

I should be happy. I just can't be. I try so hard to feel, to love, to live....but I'm just paralyzed by the emptyness. I don't know why it's there. I find myself thinking what it would be like to not exist. I wonder what it would be like to have the rest of me feel as dead as my emotions.

All I do anymore is sit up at night and think about all of the things I've screwed up in the past and how I just want to stop hurting. I just want to not feel empty for one moment.

I could only be too lucky to go to sleep and not have to wake up again.

 

Oh wow. That's truly sad. I just broke up with someone very special to me... it hasn't even been a week and I'm a wreck, I don't know what I'll feel about it in a "couple years".

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. The loss of her seems to be the most devastating thing on your mind right now... but I hope you pull yourself out of this and meet someone else. It's amazing how many people are out there that we're compatible with, but just don't know it because we compare everyone to the last person that touched us that deeply. Give it some time, and really try to get better. I wish you all the luck in the world..

By the way, I'm up because I can't sleep either. It would be easier if there were someone waiting in bed for me. Maybe I should get a cat, one that will sleep on my head in the middle of the night like the old days.

 

I kinda know how you feel. It sounds like you want someone special in your life again. Keep going and i'm sure someone will save you.

Do you go out, like to socialize?

 

I cant stop thinking about suicide.
I cant stop thinking about how im going to build up the courage.
How I hate my father.
How no matter how many times i tell him to shut up, he never does.
How im not going to be alone for ages now.
I want to be left alone!
Grr everything is on my mind.

 

Yeah I go out and socialize. I actually have a lot of friends......I just put up a front when I am with them to make it seem like I'm happy.

I'm not though. I've been thinking what it would be like to just have it all be over lately. More and more everyday, I'm trying to get the strength to just quit talking about it and actually do it.