I actually just found this page. I should honestly be in bed right now, but as always I can't sleep. I'm feeling so much and so little all at the same time. I don't know how to tell anyone what is going on in my head. I ended a relationship a couple of years ago. Not only did I lose the person I loved, but my best friend and confidant all at the same time. Of course I wouldn't let myself think or feel anything at the time. I moved back home and plunged myself into work. I lost the scholarship I had for college, so now I'm paying for it myself.....I feel like I'm making absolutely no progress towards finishing anytime soon. My dad means well. He would help me, but his divorce has left him pretty much broke. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about her lately. There were so many things left unsaid. I was so stupid then, letting jealousy ruin a good thing. She's happy now with the person she is with now. I just applied for a promotion at work. Anxiety and doubt are the only things I feel there. My roommate also put in for the same promotion, and if he gets it, I would be crushed. I should be happy. I just can't be. I try so hard to feel, to love, to live....but I'm just paralyzed by the emptyness. I don't know why it's there. I find myself thinking what it would be like to not exist. I wonder what it would be like to have the rest of me feel as dead as my emotions. All I do anymore is sit up at night and think about all of the things I've screwed up in the past and how I just want to stop hurting. I just want to not feel empty for one moment. I could only be too lucky to go to sleep and not have to wake up again.