Whats on my mind...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by greyroses, Jun 20, 2010.

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  1. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    Again, I will brave the guilt I feel whenever addressing my depression publicly (even if its anonymous). Momma would be so proud.
    I spent some time tonight first looking into gun ownership laws (very lax where I am, turns out) and then looking into various religions take on suicide. I am both relieved and scared. The idea of having ownership of a gun, and potentially my own destruction, gives me a great deal of warmth and security. The thought of what may follow gives me pause. Life, as it is, I am getting very little out of anyway. Its frustrating. I have been "dealing" with depression for...about ten years now, major type for about eight years. I dont get periods of feeling horrible, I get occasional days of not wanting to off myself.
    No matter what, I always feel selfish. I am always uncomfortable with others, and as a survival mechanism, I have resorted t going through life as an actor, donning a mask suited to each person I meet. I am CONSTANTLY guilty about EVERYTHING. Mistakes occur and I might have five minutes tops before I am considering the ways in which I might take my life. Life gets overwhelming extremely fast for me. I resent compliments because it is like someone rubbing it in my face that I could be something, but Im not. And because I cannot see it, it also makes me fee guilty for not being able to fully realize their sincerity.
    I have gone my whole life unable to trust people. Ive known this, and known it was problematic, but it wasnt until driving a few days back that the thought really chilled me. I had wondered, while listening to something or other on the radio, what it felt like to trust somebody. Just a simple thought. And then I suddenly understood the ramifications. Because I dont trust anybody, I am liable to tear them apart as people to save myself from unrealized threats. They may hurt me, or they have in he past, so I have to find everything wrong with them first so that I wont be blindsided...only...now I am constantly aware of all their flaws. My best friend I dont trust. I think she is using me. I can calmly, and rationally, break down the reasons why, the positives and negatives of it, the likelihood of this and that and everything negative. All the good is tainted with the thought that I am being used by everyone, or that I am not good enough, and they have not figured that out yet.
    I try to exorcize my demons by telling people things but only the one (previously mentioned) understands and is not horribly uncomfortable with it. But because I have only her, I tend to say probably to much, and rely on her too much, so now whenever I say anything its a trade-off of words for a week of guilt. Often I dont say what I need to say, and I have never contacted her in a crisis because of that crushing guilt.
    I cant decide if I should be really distancing myself from family and friends (i.e. making them hate me) so that they are less likely to take a terrible hit in the event that I succeed in a suicide attempt. I feel guilt either way.
    I am not very emotional anymore about any of it. After high school I started to just settle into this mental mind trap, because it became very clear that, despite therapy etc. it was not going away. I accept the fact that I am miserable, that I will continue to be, and that I am likely to kill myself. But how do I get that across to the people I love? Do I tell them, and scare them? Or let it happen suddenly, so that they dont need to worry themselves over it?
    I just needed to say that, I guess. I am here alone and I want to feel like, again, someone in the world sees the words I write and connects to them, even if I also think that the only connection that can happen is one that relies on not knowing who I am and who I will never become. That they will be read and forgotten (as they should be) and I will be too.
    If you did me the kindness of reading, thank you.
     
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi I read your post and the amount of pain you are in really shows through...gosh frustrated, sad, hopeless you seem to be feeling it all :arms:.
    Are you getting any help with this? I mean I am no expert but you seem to be dealing with classic clinical depression and need help coping...with a therapist(psychologists are the best in my opinion) and possible medication. Are you open to doing so if you are not already? Honestly you are dealing with some serious shit and need someone in your corner and someone to help give you tools to cope. Hell i didn't really learn any growing up so had to learn them in therapy and via self help books but I am here today. Also this place helps me tons and don't know what I would do without it.
    Well I am here to listen and do what I can but I really thing you would feel a whole lot better if you had someone in real life that could support you and assist you...I know many of us have needed that.
    Hope you stay well and I am up for a while so hope to hear more from you and about what has got you so down..
    Love and hugs Bambi
     
  3. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    Bambi, thank you for replying. It made me smile. I just figured my post would fade. I have gone to...I think Im up to four therapists at this point. Since I was in high school I have been in and out. Also, I have been medicated but did not take to it and have decided to stop. It never seemed to truly help me.
    I agree with you, I would do really well with some *real* support in my life, but what I need just is not there. I sometimes regret even having learned to read and devouring fantasy books because now Ive gotten it into my head that everybody who is worth anything has SOMEBODY who can really be there for them. Its an unfair view, and even if it isnt, it doesnt change my position.
    I wish I was at a stage where it really was some specific thing that send sme into this, but that hasnt been the case for awhile now. It used to be that my feelings needed a cause but now...the feelings just find them convenient when they (causes) are around. Its awful. I was watching a house the other day and forgot to call someone about a pick up. I was then suicidal for the whole night, couldnt sleep because of anxiety, and started up with some OCD behavior.
    Today who knows what it is? My constant feeling of being useless, unredeemable, regarding life as such an ailment...I wish so bad it was SOMETHING I could see and get away from or confront. It feels like now its a conflict of very simply living and not.
    I gave up knowing what to do a long time ago. Now its a slow trudge to what I feel in my gut is inevitble. I am tired of it, and scared of it, and baffled by it.
    Really, thank you for replying. Im sorry if Im being silly.
     
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I too looked into gun ownership etc. You gotta go to the police station and sign some forms out, then it takes like 3 days or so until the coppers have done a background check. If I attempt within the next 3 years I don't think i'd be able to get a gun license, so I'm staying alive until I am able to die? Lol. I don't think i'd really get a gun license anyway. I'd be wayyy to worried walking into the cop station to fill out firearm forms etc. I'm thinking along the lines of Bambi, have you had any therapy? It could really help you. But that's a suggestion I haven't had the oppurtunity to get any therapy yet but at times it sounds ok(that's when I'm not completely shit and just fed up and wnting to be dead lol).

    Edit: Woops, you replied before moi XD
     
  5. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    I did get a reply in before! Where I am...I can seriously just go and buy an registered gun, so far as its for private use. So...its simply a matter of money. Guns are not cheap, I've found. I would never be able to go to the police to fill out forms. They terrify me. You know how they look for suspicious behavior? My fear of them is so great I ALWAYS look suspicious and I start crying and such...so that would be a disaster. I dont even want to consider it. Its strange, but I feel like having the gun would be such a comfort...
    Therapy is something you should definitely look into whenever you are able. It helped the most and by far greater strides than medication ever did (even medication paired with talking, but that is my very personal experience).
     
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Yea, cops kinda scare me lol. It's like I see a cop car coming and it's like "Fuck...just look away...". I haven't done anything rong or anything I just find them intimidating. And I'm sure if they started talking to me I'd start fumbling out words and eventually start bawling, lol XD. The only way I seem to feel relaxed is if I'm slightly tired. So if I'm feeling really stressed about something i'll just stay up like the whole night and be half asleep the next day so I don't care about much. Then again that's probly because I'd just be thinking about sleeping the whole time lol.

    I might look into therapy or something when I get to the age that I don't need my parents consent. I don't like people knowing about 'this part of me'.
     
  7. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    Would just want to say that in my understanding there are no "parts" of a person. They are all connected. "A" may not connect with "C" but it does feed "B" which relates to "A". So to be ashamed of a "piece" that is really the whole may be a discredit to yourself.
    I know that many of what my friends consider good qualities are directly tied to all the bad ones I can identify.
    Ive stopped being upset or ashamed of my depression in the sense of how others view it because, simply, if they dont like that r dont get that, they really have no chance at understanding who I really am. It took me a while to get to that point but I havent yet regretted it. I dont NEED to force myself onto people or hide from them anymore (though it certainly does happen still).
    Also, I was pulled over once. I started shaking and crying and I think I freaked the officer out. He didnt know what to do! I was so shaken I couldnt remember where anything was and I was convinced he was going to hit me. I feel kind of bad for him, about that.
     
  8. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    If you do decide to own a gun, don't keep it loaded and don't keep ammunition in the house. It only tempts you to kill yourself on impulse. Methods are best kept in a way where you have time to have a second and third thought. Just a suggestion.
     
  9. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    Thank you. That is actually a really great suggestion...
     
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