Again, I will brave the guilt I feel whenever addressing my depression publicly (even if its anonymous). Momma would be so proud. I spent some time tonight first looking into gun ownership laws (very lax where I am, turns out) and then looking into various religions take on suicide. I am both relieved and scared. The idea of having ownership of a gun, and potentially my own destruction, gives me a great deal of warmth and security. The thought of what may follow gives me pause. Life, as it is, I am getting very little out of anyway. Its frustrating. I have been "dealing" with depression for...about ten years now, major type for about eight years. I dont get periods of feeling horrible, I get occasional days of not wanting to off myself. No matter what, I always feel selfish. I am always uncomfortable with others, and as a survival mechanism, I have resorted t going through life as an actor, donning a mask suited to each person I meet. I am CONSTANTLY guilty about EVERYTHING. Mistakes occur and I might have five minutes tops before I am considering the ways in which I might take my life. Life gets overwhelming extremely fast for me. I resent compliments because it is like someone rubbing it in my face that I could be something, but Im not. And because I cannot see it, it also makes me fee guilty for not being able to fully realize their sincerity. I have gone my whole life unable to trust people. Ive known this, and known it was problematic, but it wasnt until driving a few days back that the thought really chilled me. I had wondered, while listening to something or other on the radio, what it felt like to trust somebody. Just a simple thought. And then I suddenly understood the ramifications. Because I dont trust anybody, I am liable to tear them apart as people to save myself from unrealized threats. They may hurt me, or they have in he past, so I have to find everything wrong with them first so that I wont be blindsided...only...now I am constantly aware of all their flaws. My best friend I dont trust. I think she is using me. I can calmly, and rationally, break down the reasons why, the positives and negatives of it, the likelihood of this and that and everything negative. All the good is tainted with the thought that I am being used by everyone, or that I am not good enough, and they have not figured that out yet. I try to exorcize my demons by telling people things but only the one (previously mentioned) understands and is not horribly uncomfortable with it. But because I have only her, I tend to say probably to much, and rely on her too much, so now whenever I say anything its a trade-off of words for a week of guilt. Often I dont say what I need to say, and I have never contacted her in a crisis because of that crushing guilt. I cant decide if I should be really distancing myself from family and friends (i.e. making them hate me) so that they are less likely to take a terrible hit in the event that I succeed in a suicide attempt. I feel guilt either way. I am not very emotional anymore about any of it. After high school I started to just settle into this mental mind trap, because it became very clear that, despite therapy etc. it was not going away. I accept the fact that I am miserable, that I will continue to be, and that I am likely to kill myself. But how do I get that across to the people I love? Do I tell them, and scare them? Or let it happen suddenly, so that they dont need to worry themselves over it? I just needed to say that, I guess. I am here alone and I want to feel like, again, someone in the world sees the words I write and connects to them, even if I also think that the only connection that can happen is one that relies on not knowing who I am and who I will never become. That they will be read and forgotten (as they should be) and I will be too. If you did me the kindness of reading, thank you.