What's real what did I create ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nobodydifferent, Dec 22, 2015.

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  1. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    ive pushed the whole world away and then got mad at them for leaving me standing here alone ! And now I'm left sitting here depressed up and down every other minute telling people to leave me alone give me space canceling plans and then angry when they give me space ! Angry when I see them doing other things out living there lives ..

    I have these abandonment issues .. Clearly ... And yet I can't stop forcing myself to relive them ! I force people away ... And then have this stunned look when they go ..

    I packed my exes clothes drove him to his door and then asked ' why are you doing this to me ?!? '

    But my mind is telling me they are leaving you they don't want to be bothered with you and your crazy bs

    I'm a grown adult not a teenager

    Yet I question if my own child likes me !

    I hate me .. So why would anyone else value me .:

    So I sit here and told my therapist today I'm done with the outside world .. I'll raise my son and the rest I can't deal with my family , my friends, relationships, I'm not even sure how much longer I can hold down a job!

    It's funny cause I don't even know who I am .. I feel like all my life I've played roles A certain part to get through what I needed to do and then I would go home at night and the crazy would take over .. I could let the exhaustion and the sadness out ..

    The only role im willing to play any longer is that of my child's mother . I do that one well .. I will play it and when it's done I get to die ..
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  2. BipolarGirl (Deathplease)

    BipolarGirl (Deathplease) Well-Known Member

    Oh how I know how you feel. I feel that too. To me it sounds like you have borderline personality (I am no professional) I have that. Something that is made to help that is something called DBT (Dialectal Behavior Therapy) it is supposed to help people like us cope in the real world, to live in it again. I will be going to it soon.
  3. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    If I could live in my 'own world' forever I would cause the real world brings out the worst in me
  4. BipolarGirl (Deathplease)

    BipolarGirl (Deathplease) Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean but it will help your child if you learn to cope in the real world without it bring out the worst.
  5. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    With him I can .. It's like i can put on a mask and do what I need to do. But with friends and other things like that I feel like it's too much .. Like there all judging me or staring at me .. Or the energy alone isn't worth it .. Like save the good parts of me only for my son and the rest just wastes away
  6. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    yep, i wish i could dream for eternity! Only wish it was real.
  7. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    Are you saying you are putting on a mask with your child? I would think it be the opposite you would want to do, why not put your values into him? I dont have kids but I have 2 cousins in their early teen and I like to talk to them a lot, it is weird to say that I feel they are one of my only reason for not letting myself go. I would like to see what they become, they are both very different from my family and smart. It's like we come from a similar world unlike my brothers or parents. I try to give them my values of life. I won't hate what it could do to them if they learned I killed myself despite trying so hard to stay here.
  8. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    No my response came out wrong .. I meant it more so like I can do the role of mother and that's the one role I can put everything into and play without failure .. Sometimes on the inside while I'm sitting in like my sons class room or at a conference it's like I want to scream cause I can do that i can pull myself together to function for him but it's exhausting .. And I do stay alive for him, he knows I haven't problems and some of what's going on but he's my life line.. So I promise him to do everything for him I can .. It's the other stuff I've let go of .. Not that being just a mother isn't enough but I've basically let go of everything else ..
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