ive pushed the whole world away and then got mad at them for leaving me standing here alone ! And now I'm left sitting here depressed up and down every other minute telling people to leave me alone give me space canceling plans and then angry when they give me space ! Angry when I see them doing other things out living there lives .. I have these abandonment issues .. Clearly ... And yet I can't stop forcing myself to relive them ! I force people away ... And then have this stunned look when they go .. I packed my exes clothes drove him to his door and then asked ' why are you doing this to me ?!? ' But my mind is telling me they are leaving you they don't want to be bothered with you and your crazy bs I'm a grown adult not a teenager Yet I question if my own child likes me ! I hate me .. So why would anyone else value me .: So I sit here and told my therapist today I'm done with the outside world .. I'll raise my son and the rest I can't deal with my family , my friends, relationships, I'm not even sure how much longer I can hold down a job! It's funny cause I don't even know who I am .. I feel like all my life I've played roles A certain part to get through what I needed to do and then I would go home at night and the crazy would take over .. I could let the exhaustion and the sadness out .. The only role im willing to play any longer is that of my child's mother . I do that one well .. I will play it and when it's done I get to die ..