What's the next step when you tried everything else?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Briezy, Sep 2, 2016.

  1. Briezy

    Briezy Well-Known Member

    Alright here goes nothing... I am new here and have found help, kind of, with NAMI but I want to try a new forum site. I have been dealing with severe depression which was later diagnosed as bipolar depression with psychosis and then an anxiety disorder yet to be fully diagnosed for about three years now. It has been on and off the entire time with me being hospitalized three times. I have had many med changes and we finally found ones that worked at the beginning of this year. I was finally back to myself and everything was great. i thought I had just finished the worst part of my life. I then went on a trip around Europe and when I returned my anxiety went through the roof causing me to have panic attacks multiple times a day. This went on for a couple of weeks because my psychiatrist and therapist both agreed that it would get better once I got back on USA time and got my meds back on schedule. So I waited patiently for this magical day when everything got back to normal. A month passed and I found myself in the same boat except now the suicidal thoughts were coming back. So my psychiatrist decided to change my meds. Because I am an adult now they can start to use the adult studies and that opens up a new set of medications. She put me on a new medication for adults that helps with both serotonin and dopamine deficiencies. She was saying that this is a last resort medication and so that kind of got me down. Like what am I supposed to do if this doesn't work? Well I have now been on this med for a month and I know it sometimes takes a long time to see a difference with mental medications but I am tired of waiting.

    On top of all that I just started college and feel like I am drowning in all the reading that is being assigned. I spend multiple hours a day at Starbucks just trying to keep up with the assignments. I go to a commuter college so there really isn't a "let's all be friends" attitude so I haven't made any new friends. I ended high school with no friends because there was girl drama happening. I live with my mom and dad but I can't seem to do anything right for my dad who suffers from a denial of undiagnosed OCD, and my mom is dealing with cancer. So can't really turn to them. When I do my dad just starts to cry and my mom thinks I can solve my mental illness by taking a nap and a shower. They don't understand what it is like to deal with the constant thoughts that you are not good enough and that you will never be better.

    I constantly worry that I am going to give up one day and let my illness win. I have constant thoughts of Suicide and taking my own life but at the same time I am usually rational enough to say that I would be letting myself down. I don't know what to do because everything that I try to do to get better either makes me worse or makes me worse. It is hard and tiring to fight everyday like it could be your last. I know that I shouldn't talk like this because it is something I can control it is not cancer or anything but at the same time I just wish that I was dead. It would just be easier... It would just be easier.
     
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Firstly, I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Secondly, don't ever think that mental health illnesses are things "you can control". That is society's lack of understanding having influence on you. There is a shame placed on people who cannot "prove" an illness. I've often said I wished I had a missing leg over depression and anxiety, that way people would have more empathy. Society can't see my depression and anxiety, so for them, it's not taken seriously. I cannot control it, no way. But I can try to MANAGE it. Cancer patients cannot control the illness, but with help from doctors they can MANAGE it. Gosh, I was told for years that I was "faking" or "just needed some fresh air" or "overreacting". This leads to people hiding their pain, feeling suicidal and not wanting to get some help.

    Now, having ranted about all of that...;), I can tell you that family members aren't always the right people to talk to. I couldn't, I had to see a therapist. I went through years of testing different meds and combinations of meds, it was exhausting. When I wanted to ween off all of them back in 2006, my p-doc told me that if I did, I'd be dead in a year because I needed them, they were also a "last resort" for me. Why would a doctor say such a thing?

    I had some trouble lately in my relationship and just posting here and talking with the community has really helped me out a lot. I think it's good that you come here every day as a kind of self-therapy. As for school, can you cut down to part-time studies until you are feeling a little better?
     
  3. Briezy

    Briezy Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your response Frances! It is really hard sometimes to look past what I feel inside and realize that it is truly there and that the people telling me to just get over it are wrong. So many people that I have told about my illness have thought that I was faking or just doing it for the attention. I even had a therapist once that I told I was suicidal and she said we would talk about that later because that was not important. It has been a hard journey that i don't always feel like fighting. I love my family to death but they can't and will never be able to understand to the degree that I want them to understand. It is just coming to terms with that I guess. As for the doctors, they are just crazy. I think that sometimes they see so many people that they don't always think about what they are saying. It is hard to go through so many medications and still not find ones that work or find ones that work, which I did for a really long time, but then they stopped working. I HATE that! Why does my body have to be so messed up. When it comes to school, I think I have figured out that I was trying to be too good of a student. I am only taking 15 credit hours which is only five classes. The bad part about this is that they each come with their own readings but I was trying to read every single word on every single line and take copious amounts of notes. I learned through some harsh words from my current therapist, that this was too much and I did not need to do that for every class, like intro to geography when I am a psych major... I will get back to you in a week after we see how that goes. So far so good though. Once again thanks for responding, i was beginning to think that no body was reading it.
     
    Frances M likes this.
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    People read, but sometimes if they can't relate, they may not respond. I'm like that too, I don't respond to every post, mostly the ones I can relate to. It takes a lot of strength and resolve to accept that most people you think are your best supporters, will not be when you have mental illness. I disowned my entire family, mainly for reasons of abuse, but they too were not supportive at all. My circle of friends at the time avoided me as though they would "catch" my depression or something. I remember when my co-workers (who previously I thought had become friends) found out that I was on permanent disability, they said I'd "won the lottery" and was on "permanent vacation" because I no longer needed to work. How cruel can a person be? But they all were, it's odd to think anyone would have been jealous of my mental illnesses.

    I don't think it's bad to try to be a good student...but as long as you feel you're doing your best, that's all that counts! Good luck, let us know how things are going.