Alright here goes nothing... I am new here and have found help, kind of, with NAMI but I want to try a new forum site. I have been dealing with severe depression which was later diagnosed as bipolar depression with psychosis and then an anxiety disorder yet to be fully diagnosed for about three years now. It has been on and off the entire time with me being hospitalized three times. I have had many med changes and we finally found ones that worked at the beginning of this year. I was finally back to myself and everything was great. i thought I had just finished the worst part of my life. I then went on a trip around Europe and when I returned my anxiety went through the roof causing me to have panic attacks multiple times a day. This went on for a couple of weeks because my psychiatrist and therapist both agreed that it would get better once I got back on USA time and got my meds back on schedule. So I waited patiently for this magical day when everything got back to normal. A month passed and I found myself in the same boat except now the suicidal thoughts were coming back. So my psychiatrist decided to change my meds. Because I am an adult now they can start to use the adult studies and that opens up a new set of medications. She put me on a new medication for adults that helps with both serotonin and dopamine deficiencies. She was saying that this is a last resort medication and so that kind of got me down. Like what am I supposed to do if this doesn't work? Well I have now been on this med for a month and I know it sometimes takes a long time to see a difference with mental medications but I am tired of waiting. On top of all that I just started college and feel like I am drowning in all the reading that is being assigned. I spend multiple hours a day at Starbucks just trying to keep up with the assignments. I go to a commuter college so there really isn't a "let's all be friends" attitude so I haven't made any new friends. I ended high school with no friends because there was girl drama happening. I live with my mom and dad but I can't seem to do anything right for my dad who suffers from a denial of undiagnosed OCD, and my mom is dealing with cancer. So can't really turn to them. When I do my dad just starts to cry and my mom thinks I can solve my mental illness by taking a nap and a shower. They don't understand what it is like to deal with the constant thoughts that you are not good enough and that you will never be better. I constantly worry that I am going to give up one day and let my illness win. I have constant thoughts of Suicide and taking my own life but at the same time I am usually rational enough to say that I would be letting myself down. I don't know what to do because everything that I try to do to get better either makes me worse or makes me worse. It is hard and tiring to fight everyday like it could be your last. I know that I shouldn't talk like this because it is something I can control it is not cancer or anything but at the same time I just wish that I was dead. It would just be easier... It would just be easier.