What's the point anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by breaking, Nov 17, 2011.

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  1. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    Here I am this morning, struggling, STRUGGLING, to deal with this pain and depression. I can't cry enough, I can't journal enough, I can't drink enough to make this go away. I'm not an alcoholic by the traditional sense of the word, but I am setting myself up to be one. I've got my plan and I know how to do this as quietly as possible. My roommates are such drunks themselves and so into their daily shouting matches of F You's and name calling, that even if I left a note they wouldn't notice it until days later or probably look at it in a drunken stupor and say "oh" and off to get another wine or Miller Lite.

    I tried to take my life when I was in my early 20s. Apparently a shit load of OTC meds isn't good enough to do the job. I was just high. My father came when I called him and told him "I"m done" but I got a lecture as to how selfish and worthless I was to even think about it, and he threw me to a church counselor who cared as much about me as a common stranger.

    And the last thing I can't take, DOUG!. How could you do this to me, Doug. I loved you with all my heart. I didn't pressure you for anything. I didn't deceive you or lead you to think anything else other than I cared. I changed my entire future for you and your ran, leaving me paying the rent, in debt and with nothing but that fat ass shit you married with the smirk on her face - she got what she wanted.

    I hate this time of year. There is nothing to look forward to, but the arguing of alcoholics, the drama that goes with it and all the trimmings of being alone. I do most everything alone >> walk, eat, sleep, shower, run, workout, shop, cry, watch tv .. I exist half alive, ALONE.

    I've begged GOD, pleaded, been on my knees, made deals with him, made deals with the devil, even cast spells (yea, pretty desperate) to make me forget Your memory. I can beg no more. If God never gives you more than you can handle, then why do I want to die and why do people die!

    Stupid religious bull****.

    I can't do this anymore, Please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain!!
    Please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain!!

    Please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain!!

    Please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain!!

    Please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain!!

    Please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain!!

    Please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain!!

    Please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain, please stop the pain!!
     
  2. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Yeah I have no life also. i do everything alone. I have no friends, ive never had a life, ive been bullied all way through school, then went to college and never made friends because of social anxiety. I even had girls hit on me and say im cute etc but I snubbed them because of the social implications involved i felt I couldn't deal with.

    I spend every day in silence, parents hate me and ignore me, they talk around me and very rarely make eye contact with me or talk to me at all. IM completely alone everyday and i have no job, and struggling to find any work. There is no hope for me, i feel hopeless. I'm 21 and have no life.. its TV or computer every single day. I have nothing to leave the house for except cinema once in a while, and that's alone/ No one gives a fuck that i have no life. My parents never go anywhere either, no holidays, no going for meals out.. nothing except to go get food in. So basically im an agoraphobic, panic struck loner without a life or any outlet. I feel this is the end, that I have nothing to live for now and that im better off dead. It feels like suicide is calling my name because there is no hope. I cant deal with loneliness any more. I already tried once before and failed by overdose and trying to suffocate also, I think id go for a fool proof method next time. I don't want there to be a next time but like I said there is no hope for my life. If you want to talk no matter age difference or whatever please message me because I relate alot to your story
     
  3. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome. I'm sorry to hear that u are going through so much pain right now, unfortunatly most of us on here can relate. Have you had any professional therapy? Your dads heart was probably in the right place when he took you to the church, but that's not the place for therapy. Although just attending church may be a useful part of therapy if you are comfortable with going. Have u tried medication? Depression is a medical Condition, a chemical imbalance that needs treatment.
    I can relate with this time of year making you feel worse. Everyone else seems so happy and joyful while you feel at the end of your rope. I'm sure living in a chaotic inviroment only makes things worse. I hope posting on here and communicating with others who are also struggling will bring you some kind of comfort by knowing you are not alone. Best wishes to you and don't give up, you are worth the fight:hug:
     
  4. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    Thanks for responding. Yes, I have done the meds, and therapy. It doesn't work. And as for my dad's heart being the right place, I'm not so sure. He was an abusive man who took his rage out on his children but now is a church going saint who teaches bible study to strangers children. So I'm not quite ready to believe the "heart" part of him for us.

    Everyone seems to get what I want, what I've dreamed of. It's the same shit day in day out. I seriously don't think I am going to make it through these holidays .. I barely made it through last year's.
     
  5. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    Thank you Jungle. I just may take you up on the office. I can't do this anymore
     
  6. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Sorry what did you mean by I just may take you up on the office? I hope im not persuading you to do anything. I just read it and felt I related. Scenarios are clearly different but please have hope. I am at my lowest point also
     
  7. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean about God. I committed suicide when I was 16. But I was brought back to life. And since then, I've been on death's door so many times (bacterial meningitis, I was in Tower 1 of the World Trade Center on 9/11, etc), and yet here I am. I can't help but feel like God wont let me die, no matter how desperatelyI NEED to as some form of vengence. Like an "I'll show you, you little fuck!" It's maddening. And the more pointless my life becomes, the more I see how little I control it and how little my actions, deeds or words matter, the more frustrated I get. It's sad. It sucks. I wish I had something more upbeat to tell you. But I do feel your pain. I think the best part of this board is to be able to openly talk about this and not be made to feel like some insane or selfish asshole. As much as my life sucks, and feeling like this sucks, there is some cold comfort in knowing I'm NOT some quirky isolated fuckup, and there are others out there who get what I feel.
     
  8. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    I think she meant your offer to message you (I had your impression when I read it too, but then re-read what you wrote).
     
  9. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    oh right I see, that's good. By the way I hope you weren't referring to me with the "there is some cold comfort in knowing I'm NOT some quirky isolated fuckup" cos yeah I probably am that, but nothing I can do
     
  10. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    Actually, referring solely to myself. Because for most of my 37 years, I've felt that way.
     
  11. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    Correct I meant OFFER. I was typing through my tears. I extend my heart and hand to those in need as well. I just don't know how long I will survive. , it feels like second by second I lose ground and will to exist
     
  12. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    <ignore this post idk how to delete it>
     
  13. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Ok sorry my bad I tend to take things out of context in that sense. I guess I am a quirky isolated fuckup also. I cried today too, no one is around to see that, and if my parents ever do they are either too drunk to notice or they are sober yet smirk at me or act as if i dont exist. Having no one around that cares is what hurts the most. I care alot about other people in need too. I would like to meet someone that is going through similar because no one can truly relate unless they have been through or are going through the same sort of thing. My best wishes for both of you. I hope to have a brainwave soon on how to fix myself. Unfortunately I was thinking this same thing last year, and the year before that. I cannot even compute the first step.

    Seeing therapists has not helped at all, infact made me worse. From my experience they seemed to have an almost unhuman amount of sympathy towards anything im going through, they made me feel pathetic and worthless by their approach. My therapist has actually stopped coming out without discussing anything with me!! just unbelievable.. it just shows how much their so-called help team actually cares

    Anyone can message me at anytime if you want. Im willing to listen and discuss anything at all
     
  14. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    I mean thank you for the offer. It's kind of hard to type thought tears and emotions. I mean to disrespect to anyone and I'm sorry if anything sounded other than a plea to cope on my part.
     
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