What's the point? But I keep coming back.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bluedays, Nov 3, 2009.

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  1. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    I keep ending up here even though I know that my situation is what it is, and no one can help me. I feel like an outcast here & everywhere.

    I think it's desperation... I am desperate to die, desperate not to hurt anymore, desperate not to hurt the ones around me.

    I wake up each morning with a fist of dread & overwhelm & sadness punched into my gut, and slog through each waking moment & each waking hour trying to get done everything that needs to be done, and much more that I don't even bother with at all anymore.

    There's no way out of any of this. I am just so tired all the time. Tired of being so afraid & in so much pain and living a life I don't want.

    I tried to kill myself around a month ago & reached out at the last minute. My husband got home in time to stop me. I don't even know what's keeping me from finishing it off. Fear of methods, not knowing how to follow through maybe? Or the heartbreak that it's really that hopeless? It's definitely not a desire to live anymore.

    I just wish someone could help me to make it all stop.
  2. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Desperate to end it all and not to hurt those around you - I can relate to that, the same wish - to leave this world and not to leave my kids. I try to escape from suicide thoughts with all kinds of distractions, music, book, my dog, and mostly by surfing on the net all my free time. It helps a lot being on this forum. But sometimes nothing helps, only the thought of my kids. It's the hardest time, I feel the physical pain, I can't bear it, I can't even say that it helps, thinking of them is an obligation, I must not leave them, not that I don't want to, at least in moments like those. Don't know how much it helps but the only thing that gets me thru is knowing that it will pass, I will still have the same wish - I'd rather leave this world then live in it, but that pain and desperation don't last forever, they go away eventually, that's the only thing that keeps me alive, knowing that there are things in this world that I like, that will make me smile, they are waiting for me. I hope you can feel it too, remind yourself of the things that you like and of the people that will be hurt if you leave them.Don't give up on yourself, do whatever you need to do, call someone, ask for help, post here, we'll try to help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2009
  3. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much morfea, for your kind reply. It helps to know someone is listening & someone cares. You are so lucky to have kids to keep you going when things are darkest. I'm trying to find something to hang on for, but it all feels pretty bleak. :(
  4. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    I know it's not the same as with kids, maybe, but could you try to hang on for your husband? If you feel anything for him try to keep that in mind. And don't give up on finding help. I know it's hard when you don't have the will to do anything, it's like a magic circle, but there is a way out of it, we just don't see it sometimes. Wish you the best.
  5. Jhon

    Jhon New Member

    Hi bluedays,

    I saw another post by you as a reply to someone else feeling like they have reached their end game, both of your posts have intrigued me, I'm not sure why.

    Much was said there, for such a short sentence. Forgive me, I'm new here and dont know you as well as I wish I did, but can you tell me more? What are you afraid of? What is your pain? And what is it about your life that you don't want?
  6. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    Jhon. Thank you for your reply, both here & on the other thread. Told my husband about your comment, "don't push, pull" and am trying to do it but not succeeding. It's kind of everything. Feel there's no way out from the overwhelming pain & the circumstances of life right now. It's everything.

    It's financial, we're sinking... and my life - I am a 24/7 caregiver for my mom who developed severe dementia literally overnight 5 months ago... and physical - I have many health problems including anxiety, depression & also on a superficial level, gum disease - and where I look ok on the surface now, I feel the bone loss & gum destruction in my mouth & know from what my dentist said that my time with teeth is limited because I can't afford the thousands to try to do something about it. And I can't bear to see the inevitable disgust on my husband's face because he deserves better than that.

    I'm broken & not fixable. I'm drowning in it & don't want to live.

    Knowing someone cared enough to reply helps... thank you for that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2009
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