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What's the point in living

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by carter001, Feb 13, 2011.

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  1. carter001

    carter001 Active Member

    Hi Everyone,

    My dad is being an asshole to my mam,he verbally abuses her.I try to stop it but he won't listen to me.I care greatly about my mam but I feel powerless and suicidal.I can't escape the pain,the pain of living in an abusive environment.I just want out of life but I don't have the courage to do it.:sad:I feel trapped
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to perhaps call a aunt or uncle and get away with them for awhile let them know how your dad is treating your mom maybe an adult can get dad to get some treatment for his anger hugs
  3. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Is there anyone else in your family circle that you can talk to? It's hard to give more practical advice without knowing which country you come from. Please keep talking to us.
  4. carter001

    carter001 Active Member

    Thanks total eclipse

    I'm going to my sisters for the night.I just need to get away but I'll still be worrying about my mom.Hug back xxx

    I'm from Ireland and yea my sister is probably my closest contact,she knows what I'm going through and she can calm me down.I just feel so angry right now.If I go to her(my sister)I'll just end up coming back to the same abusive environment.That's why I say I feel trapped.Like there's no escape.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Unfortunately, your mother has to make the decision to resolve the abusive situation for herself...have you spoken to her about this? and I am glad you are getting away...can you set up regular visits with your sister so that you feel less trapped? Hope it was a good respite...J
  6. carter001

    carter001 Active Member

    Hi Sadeyes

    Yes I've spoken with my mother about leaving him but she refuses to do so,she's from that generation of thought 'I can't leave my husband no matter what',so it's hard for me to persuade her to leave him.I suggested she go to counseling,which she did for two sessions,but she discontinued it.My sister lives far away so I have to get the train to see her,plus she works all week,but I'd love to see her and my nephews.I'm catching a train soon.

    I still feel suicidal,it comes in waves but I can control it.Deep down I know I have to get away from this environment and possibly move into my own place,start a new life.

    thanks everyone for your support,I don't feel so lonely now.
  7. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Can you tell someone you trust what is happening? How old are you hunni? :hug: Hang in there and if you need to talk I'll be around for a bit.
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Greetings Carter - sorry to hear about the situation with yourself and your mam.

    When you say he verbally abuses her - I'm guessing this has been something you've grown up around. I've seen a VERY similar case when a friend persuaded his mum to move out which had repercussions with the family. In hindsight he thinks he should left because the abuse was not physical and at the end of the day this is your mum's choice.

    She must be like my mum who never would divorce. Luckily her husband, my father, never talked to her in an abusive manner ever. If he had hit her then I'd have stepped in.

    I think your best tactic is to get out. That way, when you get a place of your own, you can invite your mum and know that there's always a place for her.

    Have you ever had a word with your father? Depends on how old you are really - but at some point you should break the ice on this issue. Maybe your dad was raised in a similar situation. Sometimes a relationship stagnates - people get used to each other and we say the cruelest things to those we love sometimes. I'm not saying it is right - and if your mum is badmouthed everyday then that is wrong. This is the 21st century, not the Middle Ages.

    Have you any uncles out there? I'm an uncle and take my duties seriously. If my sisters were harmed in any way whatsoever, I'd be seeking an explanation. In fact I'd just offer the jerk a chance to enjoy a real fight.

    As it stands, there is no physical abuse here but verbal abuse is just as bad as it can be a campaign going on for decades which wears a women down to the point were she accepts it.

    You've put up with a lot over the years. So has your mam, God bless her. But like I say, it is her choice and moving out does not mean you will be abandoning her. Maybe your dad showcases and won't be as bad if nobody is there to listen to him. I know some couples who, if you listened to them, you'd assume they maybe hate each other as they are always putting each other down and makinf remarks. That's not my cup of tea but some people are just that way. Almost like workers on a building site who amuse each other by calling each other names and making fun and so on. I hope I NEVER end up like that!

    Talk to your sister about it all. Hopefully she will allay your concerns as she has seen your father and knows about it.

    Getting out would be a good move in my book. You cannot act as a counsellor for your parents - and you sound young - which makes me think there ate things you ought to be doing instead of sitting at home listening to a miniture version of the battle of the Boyne or something!

    Your a good son, that much is clear, and you really need a break from it all. Things wil be as they have been - but if you sat in a chair between your parents, it would be the same regardless. As long as there is no DANGER then your not being there makes little if any difference. In fact, like I say, having your own place will enable you to give your mum a nice break if needs be. You can visit and I'm sure you'll gain the confidence to tackel this some other way. The whole family has to be in on it though.

    Methinks someone needs to talk to your dad. He should be calling your mother 'honey'.

    One day you and your dad will have a word. Hopefully he might chill out as he gets older.

    Good luck and sorry for not replying earliar but I had to pop out and here I am.
  9. carter001

    carter001 Active Member

    Thanks Jaded Faith,I went to my sisters and had a great time.But unfortunately I came back to more arguing.I really do need to get a place of my own,away from the abuse.

    Thanks peacelovingguy.

    I definitely need to move out of here,this place is doing my head in.I bought the local newspaper and I'm currently looking for a flat.I have confronted my dad on numerous occasions about his behavior but he doesnt listen to me.He wasn't abused a child as far as i know but he hates women for some reason,especially my mother.I think his sisters teased him as a child and that's where the anger comes from.Like I said to him before,'just move on' but he won't let it go

    I agree with you verbal abuse is just as bad as physical.Verbal abuse stays with you your entire life and knocks your confidence and damages you in different ways.The whole family,including my 3 sisters and a brother have gone through the same thing I'm going through now but they moved away as quick as possible.

    We have had family counseling before(all my family attended)but he(dad)walked out after about 30 minutes because he couldn't handle the truth.So I'm in counseling myself and it is helping me deal with the abuse to some extent,but obviously I worry about my mam.

    Your are right though about moving out,creating my own space,inviting my mother around for tea or whatever.She needs a break as much as I do from this misery.I just wish dad would stop drinking,stop being abusive and accept that he is wrong and what he did in the past was wrong.

    Thanks for the kinds words,you sound like a great guy and you are wise.I just wish I had more friends locally like you.

    Take care
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'm in a similar situation to you. I hate being put in that position. I have my mum confiding in me about it, mainly when she is drunk and then they start arguing as she wont say anything when she has not had a drink. She tells me things I just don't need to know. I know it's hard when they are actually arguing as you can't get away from it. I just stick my iPod in and try and ignore it.

    Like you I have seen a counseller. I have found it quite helpful. It's nice to be able to off load on someone else about it. I hope it's going well for you.

    How old are you?

  11. carter001

    carter001 Active Member

    Hi GoldenPsych

    Yea the counseling is going good.Like you I usually just listen to my mp3 player when they argue and my mom tells me things about what they are arguing about.It doesn't help hearing all the negative stuff from mum,stuff he says to her.I just don't think it's fair that one person can have so much control over someone else,to the point where we can't have discussions in the house because he's listening all the time.

    I'm 30 by the way.Way too old to be living at home I know but I look after my mom,she has osteoporosis and can't lift heavy things so I help out with the shopping and stuff.Maybe I'm just too close to her,maybe I need to be more independent.

    Hopefully I'll find a place to live soon.
  12. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    See about getting her a carer. You can't put all that responsibility on yourself. Contact Social Services and they have a duty to assess your mum to see what care package then can place for her. They have to provide it but then can charge. However, it's only a power to charge so if you refuse they can't not give you the service.

    Even if it's just a shared house get out and get your freedom.

    All the best.

  13. carter001

    carter001 Active Member

    Thanks GoldenPsych.I'll enquire into the care package.
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