What's the point in trying?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by meaningless-vessel, Nov 7, 2013.

  1. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    .. This is gonna sound selfish as hell. But hey ho - i'm apparently a selfish asshole with no regard for others thoughts and feelings, yet there's a few people who could disagree with that.

    I have a facebook account - people decide not to keep in touch with me (well, 99% of those on my friends list know i'm there but don't bother keeping in touch- and the majority are family over "friends"). I put efforts in, and there's very little reciprocation, so now I don't bother.

    I have a mobile phone - apart from about 4 people (not including work/doctors if needed) - no-one really bothers making the effort with me, especially when I stop putting efforts in. So again, I think why bother?

    My social life - almost non-existant. Basically, I get most of my "social atmosphere" from being at work... - virtually friendless - loneliness? probably - but when do you really hear me bitch about how lonely I am/I feel? I don't usually go into it, because I am not going to give up being myself and allowing others the opportunity to know the real me - I can't be bothered with putting on a "fake persona" - it's more hassle than it's worth. I am what I am, if you like - ok, if not - that's ok too. I don't get along with everyone.

    Before anyone suggests that I don't put any effort in... maybe consider that I have tried on several occasions, making new friends in new environments, but they always end up being relatively short-term (I say relatively - 1.5 years is average). I have rarely fitted in to the social aspect of things, and frequently ended up being either discarded/ignored. And that was before I started coming online a lot more, but the same thing seems to have happened online too.

    I am really being selfishly "catty" and bitchy about how things have gone. And yes - people can say "Oh but you have a job and a gf" - but does that really make a difference to feeling socially isolated from peers? Does that make a difference to how I feel about the majority of things? I have a job... I put concerted efforts into getting one because it makes a difference to have something to be doing with my time. I have a gf - I put the time into understanding and being patient with her, and never giving up/walking away in troubled times, and now things are better for her which means my efforts are reaping rewards.

    Maybe I try too hard. Maybe people assume or think that i'm trying too hard. Either that or they think I don't try hard enough. But really... how can one try too hard or not hard enough when others make a judgement to not include the one "trying"?

    Yeah - I've been a bit "disheartened" with a lot of things lately - and I may be "over analysing" things. But if I don't analyse what I'm doing, how will I know where I am going wrong? How will I know/learn/understand what I need to do to change what is "wrong" if anything is needed to be changed?

    My attitude right now comes across that I stink. I'm selfish. I'm talking about me... Of course I'm bound to be selfish with it. And yes - I repeated a few things that I've mentioned before, but I'm just not sure I want to keep fighting the tide (excuse the pun with my username) - of what life is offering me, when I'm trying to live and get degraded/downtrodden on so many things. My opinions are different - and challenging at times. That is where a number of people disagree - but those are their opinions usually - and is there a right or wrong opinion? No. It's just perception.
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    the thing is that keeping up with people is a full time job. It's tiring always be the one who initiate, I know because I'm in that position, and sometimes I just don't want to bother either...what's the point, it almost feels like I'm forcing them to hang out with me, I shouldn't have to run after people all the time...it should be a two way street. I don't think your selfish at all, I think it's them that are...

    But I can't help to feel selfish too, I think it's the guilt trip that does that...we are so taught that being selfish or thinking of one self is bad...but it aint...you're the one going through it, you should have a say in it...
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I appreciate there being a response, it makes me feel a touch less isolated.

    But there's more to add.

    Maybe i'm just not meant to be liked because how I am and who I am doesn't fit in justifiably with so many people around me.

    The bit that irks me the most, particularly when meeting newer people and making newer friends, is for them to turn around and effectively distance themselves from me after a period of time. It's like I don't matter, so even though I may know of a lot of people, actively participating in social exploits offline happens extremely rarely.

    I used to like going out to get drunk now and again - but through my Dx condition, it's ill-advised, and rarely is there the time for me to do so with the hours that I work from week to week. That and I prefer to not put my body in danger of developing diseases that I could have avoided.

    I used to like going out to karaoke/open mic (musical ones - plug and play guitar/keyboard etc) - but now - even though I've gone to 3 over the last 3 months, I'm not sure I want to do it anymore - it doesn't appeal to me in the way that it used to.

    Forget about seeing the doctor for depression - what's the point in circles of "being on meds / being off meds" when it's a cycle that doesn't want to end. Regardless of how much I try to do different things, or how much I try to find things that I enjoy, there isn't much left now that I am wanting to do. What's the point of therapy when the therapist is off sick (it's not the first time, and today was another day that I was meant to have an appointment and I have a bitter aftertaste of getting a voicemail to call the surgery back to find they were off ill - I know it can't be helped, but even so, it was a downer on my day because I had a few things I'd wanted to get off my chest today)?

    I'm just finding it very difficult to maintain an even keel balance - but I'm rarely above the "balance" line at the moment.

    I'm sick of being.. well.. me? Is that right? I don't think it is but what can I do other than try to change how I am yet again because of the way others are towards me?
  4. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel, I...

    Wait, you have a girlfriend? Lucky bastard.

    Sorry, sorry... getting back to my point.

    I don't have a Facebook account. If I did, I would have 0 friends. Well, okay, I'd probably have a few "friends"... mostly family members and such who never bother to actually send me a message.
    I have a cell phone, and there are people's phone numbers on it... phone numbers of people who never call me, that is.
    And yes, in fairness, I don't call them either, but that's mostly because I think that they'd prefer to not talk to me, and I don't want to be a bother.
    It's getting to the point that I might start answering calls from telemarketers just so I have someone to converse with.
    Nah, that's going a bit too far, they usually hang up on me once they realize I have no interest in buying whatever they're selling. How sad is that, telemarketers hang up on ME. Hah.

    As for the selfish thing... I think it's fair to say that I'm pretty selfish, and maybe that's half the reason that some people don't want to talk to me. It's not that I don't care about other people, I do - I just care about myself more. I don't really think there's anything wrong with that.

    In my later adolescent years, I had a pretty extensive circle of friends and acquaintances, and we had a lot of fun times together, but like morning rush pointed out, sometimes having all those people around was a bit much to handle. I think I prefer having a small circle of close friends to talk to and hang out with a few nights a week. Problem is, I no longer have a circle of friends. All of my social interaction these days is either via the internet, or with coworkers that I'm friendly with yet not exactly "friends" with. I never see them outside of work. And that is probably mostly my fault, because I've actually been invited to attend various functions with them, and I politely turned them down because I wasn't really interested in going to a party or barbecue or whatever where the only people I'd know are the ones I work with. I would have gone if I'd had a guest to go with me, a close friend or girlfriend or something of that nature, but I don't have anybody like that. It feels like, at my age, most people already have their circle of friends, and they're not exactly looking for new recruits. On the rare occasion that I have gone to social events at the invite of certain acquaintances, it seems like everybody there has known each other since they were children, and I'm the odd man out who nobody knows. Since I'm not exactly a social butterfly, I usually end up sitting somewhere alone and keeping to myself, occasionally making small talk with the person next to me until they find someone more interesting to talk to. Then I spend the rest of the evening conversing with myself in my head and trying to decide when would be the appropriate time for me to come up with an excuse for why I have to leave.

    I used to be the type who tried too hard. Now I'm the type who doesn't try at all. Either way, the result seems to be about the same. People generally tend to ignore me. I'm forgettable. I'm just background noise, wallpaper, space filler, part of the décor, invisible, an unremarkable extra on the movie set of life.

    So yeah. I get how you're feeling.
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Appropriately sums it up. Sorry it's affecting you too.
  6. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I think that when you take meds, it's for life. I know there are exceptions but I think most of us it's permanant. If they aren't working then maybe a higher or different type of meds might help...sadly it's not a cure.

    My head is hurting so much right now but I wanted to write to say that I hear you, and I relate.

    I don't know what to do anymore...because being me doesn't seem to work one bit
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I really couldn't give any advice to you on that, because I have no answer. Although I can understand what that feels like (pretty much in the rest of this thread).
  8. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    how would you like to live my life of solitude? how would you like to sit home alone every day with no contact with anyone at all, EVER? how would you like to have thoughts of hurting yourself, one minute you do the next you dont, over and over and over... i swear some people have no idea how "good" they got it and still want to complain... how about living in a bottle of booze and bags of drugs every other day of your life? trying and trying and trying and trying for 21 years to correct yourself and STILL FAILING......... how about flunking out of college 4 different times to the point you drink yourself into a blackout and wake up in your neighbors yard... not succeeding at anything in your life what so ever... getting a phone call at 8pm and having your kids grandmother tell you that her daughter has just died from a overdose of sleeping pills.... how about being so depressed, angry and distraught that you drink yourself into oblivion and then lose your kids to the state of NY.... tell me about your problems and ill switch sides with you any day of the week, think you could handle my life?
  9. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Thanks for this line.. it simply says "You're bitching for nothing - my life is worse" which is unhelpful, unsupportive - and basically tells me my feelings about my own situation in life are worthless.

    Speaking of kids.. I haven't seen mine in almost 7 years. And that's not through being a substance abuser... I haven't had contact with his mum since. She won't respond to me.

    Speaking of drugs and booze.. Your choice to drink to excess/take drugs (unless clinically prescribed). I prefer not to. Because I know it would be more harmful than helpful. As proved by your outcome of living in complete solitude and having your kids taken away from you for their safety.

    Speaking of anger.. You could do something about it - anger management therapy is a possibility. But instead you throw your weight around here suggesting that someone else's situation is irrelevant and too complaining for your liking given your situation - yet doing what you do (alcohol/drugs) could be part of the reason you are so angry and only masking why you are actually depressed. They will not help you in the long term.

    Saying this
    , suggests that you are unlikely to be in a position of seeking help for the anger/drugs/alcohol issues which can, with time/patience and perseverance, be dealt with - and then once they are cleared and you become clean/sober, you may find that you are not quite as depressed as you were. This can further help you eradicate issues by then seeking help for the depression. There's a potential route forwards. You're just complaining and seemingly doing nothing about the situation you're in when there's a path towards living.

    At least I'm trying. With therapy - and if I really need to - with medication again. Although I don't feel like I want to. I don't choose drugs and alcohol nor do I actively pursue methods (yet) - because I am hanging on to one sliver of hope that I will one day get to see my son once again. It's strong enough at the moment for me to avoid acting in any way like you do. Even after almost 7 years. Even after only being reminded once in those 7 years that I am indeed a father.... from the one person who at the time was suffering agoraphobia amongst other thoughts - my father - no-one else.

    While I may bitch and complain - I have just as much right to do so as you as our situations are so different - but with a couple of other scenario changes (my son's mum committing sui and me turning to drink/drugs losing everyone around me in the process) - they could be so similar. So do I really have it that good?
  10. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    all you did was pick apart my words and then use it against me... instead of seeing the real message there... you can assume what you want about me, its your choice... keep in mind sparky that your life, your choices have been more positive than mine so shouldnt that tell you something? do you want to end up like me? take a long hard look hero... your nothing like me...
  11. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

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