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What's the point of getting help?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, Oct 23, 2012.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    My dad has scheduled me to visit a mental health counselor tomorrow. I doubt I will even show up at all. Its only going to take away time from work and not do an iota of help. Earlier this year, I was also scheduled to visit a mental health professional and just cancelled at the last minute.

    Its just going to be the same as before, a complete and utter waste of time. I've gone to psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health support groups at nearby churches and I've always just given up after a few visits. The same goes for any prescribed anti-depressant medication. I take it for a while and just give up and go cold-turkey. I never even finish the bottles that I am prescribed! My depression has convinced me that it will never get better, that its "special", too deeply dug inside of me to ever come out. Its quite obvious that I will never seek out help myself (my dad has always initiated it) or that I will ever see any treatment plan through. I probably will have to be forcibly committed in a facility to actually get help and get better. My depression has completely taken over the steering wheel in the car that is my life. I can't trust myself to get better, my depression will do its strongest to make sure it never leaves me, will keep ruining and sabotaging my life and ultimately take that life via suicide. So far, its doing a magnificent job.

    I've became bitter, angry, jaded, especially at the mental health professionals. Its in our nature to be greedy. If all their patients commit suicide, they have nobody to treat and no source of income. If all their patients get better, they again lose out on further income from subsequent visits. They just want to keep us in this purgatory and give false hope that we will someday get better, while they keep bleeding our time and wallets dry. Its just the way I am feeling right now. Sigh....

    Now, I don't mean to offend anyone and I am sorry if I am saying things that seem really stupid and out there. I am quite sure that these people mean the best and that countless number of people have been cured, saved away from suicide, etc. because of them. I guess I just feel that only I can't be cured but that everyone else can be. I suppose in reality, it all falls somewhere in the middle in terms of sheer greed and profit and also just being altruistic and genuinely providing help and comfort.

    I'm probably slowly but surely becoming crazy and believing in evil conspiracies. My very long-term depression has just screwed me up beyond belief.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2012
  2. proficiens

    proficiens Member

    As far as the professionals are concerned, pls keep in mind they are human. But they want to help. So pls show some benevolence.

    I see, you are really affectionately attached to your "depression". OK. But could you pls specify for a dummy like me who is this. No, no, no exmaples, I mean its real essence. Is it perhaps a blituri? You don't know what a blituri is? Neither do I, neither the guy who some 2000 years ago gave this exmaple. Well, I don't want to disappoint you, but it might turn out that your beloved "depression" does not really exist, only your idea of it. Now tell me, theoretically, if it turns out that for so many years you loved a ghost, who are you going to love now?
  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I have had depression and suicidal thoughts for a little over seven years now (since I joined this forum). I can very well assure you that it is very much real, it exists everyday in my heart, mind and soul. It has become a part of me, almost as if I am married to it. I may as well be married to it anyways. It is an eternal soul-mate until I perish from this Earth.

    It has ruined my life, taken away my hopes, dreams, desires, ambitions, etc. I live empty, as a zombie, as everyone else zooms past fulfilling milestones (career, girlfriend, wife, kids, etc.) in their life while I sit idly by doing nothing and as it further grows and festers inside of me. All it pretty much has left to take away from me is my very own physical life (through suicide).
  4. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I think the question is - do you WANT to be helped?
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Please try to keep in mind that most medications take a period of time before which they actually start to show any results from. If you don't even finish the first bottle, it is likely that you were just wasting time and adding medications to your system for no reason. You have to follow through on a plan of administration of the drugs and in many cases, they have to be evaluated, then stepped up in dose, and/or several different combinations tried before they show positive results. If you've had depression for seven years, it is possible that you could have spent time adjusting to the medications and might be in a brighter place right now.

    The same goes for professional help. Some is good, some is not good. People are people and some are better at what they do than others are. I personally have absolutely nothing against church... but I would seek professional therapy that is more connected to the mainstream medical and mental health community rather than through your churches.

    You may want to believe that you are unique and therefore are the one that cannot be cured, but in all reality... you have as much chance and opportunity as the next person. Unless you absolutely honestly enjoy being unhappy, why would you not seek out any possibilities and see them through if they meant even a small percentage chance of wellness?
  6. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I honestly don't know. There comes a point when your depression has existed for so long, you just cannot think straight anymore. Its completely changed your perception of the world, how you see things. It almost seems impossible to imagine life without depression. I've heard of people getting used to their depression, even feeling comforted by it and can't imagine life without it, strange as it may sound. It is like some security blanket like many children have.

    I wonder where is that point in life when you can honestly just give up, because you truly are damaged beyond any hope and repair? If that line even exists, I'm sure its certainly not clear-cut and must be extremely fuzzy and hazy. That is how I feel and how no amount of medication and therapy can help me, so that I don't even try. Even if my dad forces me, then I will give up after only a few sessions or doses of a pill, just stop cold-turkey and relapse right back. Of course, everyone else will tell me things like "as long as you are alive, there is always hope" and stuff like that. Now if only I could believe it, because they don't have that permanent cloud of depression hanging over their head telling them otherwise. Their mind is clear of this extremely destructive and permeating force.

    I'm quite sure that for the rest of my life, I will never have a normal life like everyone else. I've been isolated away from others in my home, missed out on too many opportunities and experiences that everyone else has done, etc. for too long to ever become a fully normal person in society. This is especially true for my formative, important years as a child and teenager. This is probably the root cause of my depression, how I am inferior to everyone else. Then because of my depression, I keep wanting to stay isolated and not further my life (eg. career, relationships, hobbies, achievements, etc.) and so my depression keeps on staying and getting stronger and stronger. What a vicious cycle it is.

    I think the best I can hope for is that I can just be content with what I still have left in my life and just be happy and make it through day by day.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 19, 2012
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Hey Rahul,

    Sorry life sucks. I hope it gets better.
  8. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    In what way are you inferior to everyone else? What opportunities and experiences did you miss out, do you think? (Just say if I'm asking the questions are too personal).

    You know, of course, that no-one can help you if you don't want to be. Do you know WHY you don't want to be helped?
  9. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    It hasn't really gotten better for many years now, but thanks. :sigh:

    It is a bit personal and quite embarrassing. But I suppose I'm still pretty anonymous here and can't be helped if I don't open up. I've been isolated for a long time in my home. I believe this is because of moving around a lot as a child and losing my friends, getting bullied as the new kid and after our final move, I just gave up I believe.

    I am just spending lots of time on the computer or TV. I have always gone out regularly for things like school, work, shopping, etc. I mean I've never been stuck inside my home for more than two days at the very most. But I've never went out for the interesting and fulfilling things like socializing. I've missed out on many experiences like lets say joining clubs in school, prom, dating, extracurricular activities in general, traveling within the country or abroad, etc. like all of my peers. Everyone else is much more well-rounded and balanced as a result. I am like someone who has literally been stuck in a cave for far too long and when I step out of the cave, I see everything is so bright and scary that I just want to easily retreat back in. Its a perpetuating cycle. I am a loser because of being isolated away from mainstream society for so long and then stay isolated. I am isolated because I am a loser, I am a loser because I isolate myself.

    This is just in a quick nutshell and there's probably quite a bit of stuff I have left out.

    I feel that I've missed out on too much so that I can never become a normal person in society and must commit suicide. Its just gotten too bad, the hole I have dug has gotten too deep and I don't know if I can get out. Depression is the main culprit which makes me believe there is no hope. Maybe if I could get rid of the depression, then I'd finally have the strength and willpower to get out and try to repair my life and make it as normal as possible, even if I can never fully reverse the damage and won't ever be a fully normal person again. Even if I wanted to lets say, socialize, get friends, a girlfriend, wife, what normal person out there would want to be with an isolated freak like me? I think I can only fit amongst my "own kind", never amongst the normal, mainstream people out there. I've just grown incompatible with them, almost like an alien.

    I don't seek out help (or my dad seeks it out for me and I quickly give up) as I believe my condition is much more rare than those of others also suffering from depression and suicide. I think that I have been isolated for too long and I am beyond help anyways. I feel that most doctors and therapists out there aren't quite equipped for this sort of condition. But maybe they are and its just my depression talking to me, telling me help is a waste of time and suicide is the only solution. Its really good at taking control of the steering wheel that is my life and telling me where to go.
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Rahul, it is never too late to start taking steps that will bring you into the world in a way that is beneficial and meaningful for you and the people you meet. In fact, you have a lot ahead of you, a lot of fun and excitement to be had. There are a lot of late bloomers who have done very well for themselves personally and professionally. Please don't give up on yourself. :smile:
  11. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Thanks for the reply. If only I knew where on Earth to begin. You and everyone else seem fully convinced that there is still hope for me and I shouldn't give up and do something like commit suicide. Now, if only I could believe the same. I think I'd have to develop that mindset first before taking any action.

    A part of me wishes that it were written in stone somewhere that my life is hopeless, things cannot get better, the years of damage I have done to my life cannot be fixed and so something like suicide is the only way out. I'd hate to realize if there is still hope in my life and I just willfully squander it all away. I've had a lot of potential already that has been wasted. I was born in a good family, always had resources at my disposal. I could have been something much better than I am now.

    Even if my life isn't completely ruined and I can take steps to make it better and worth living in the future, this very long-term and deep seated depression is standing in the way. It makes you not want to do anything, just sit on your butt and mope around. Lets say that if I take anti-depressants for a period of time, my depression will perhaps be abated enough for me to take positive actions to improve my life. Then with those positive actions, my depression will start going away naturally, instead of having to pop those pills for the rest of my life (I certainly don't want that!). My depression tells me that the anti-depressants and visiting therapists, etc. is a waste of time and I give up.

    I have discovered, if it helps, that I suffer likely from atypical depression, instead of "classic" depression.

    I believe I'd have to be forced to take treatment to make any progress. I've kept trying at the urge of my father, and just give up far too soon because I am fully convinced its all hopeless. Its just a waste of time and money for the visits and prescriptions. I'll probably have to be strapped down to a chair and force-fed anti-depressants and visits to a doctor. Perhaps I seriously need to be committed into an institution or something? :/
  12. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Why do you want it so that your life is hopeless? So that it's ok for you to kill yourself?

    I understand about the depression getting in the way. I know that some people have found the meds to be helpful but they have to want to take them, something made harder by the very problem the meds are there to help. No-one can tell you to live or die. That's your decision but shouldn't you give everything a proper try - just to be sure there really IS no other option before doing something so final? What do you think?
  13. IWonder

    IWonder Member

    The thing is psychotherapy is, you need to find a therapist who is a good fit for you. While some are better at their job than others, there are individual client factors too that determine whether that particular therapist is suitable for that particular client. I had to try out several therapists before I found one that started to really help me. Some of the initial ones in fact left me much worse than when I went to them. One of them was even one who had a well known reputation for being good and qualified, but she wasn't suitable for me. The current one, while not perfect, helps me get over my depression and other issues. He has made me realize that it is I who must do the work to get over this. The hard work has to be put in by me, no one else. I do the work because, although I frequently want to give up, I have memories of how much I loved life experiences before I fell into depression. During my phases of feeling ok now, I see how much there is in the world to experience and enjoy, and it would be a shame to waste that away because of depression. So I keep falling and trying again, over and over again, till one day I will leave this vicious cycle for good...!
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