My dad has scheduled me to visit a mental health counselor tomorrow. I doubt I will even show up at all. Its only going to take away time from work and not do an iota of help. Earlier this year, I was also scheduled to visit a mental health professional and just cancelled at the last minute. Its just going to be the same as before, a complete and utter waste of time. I've gone to psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health support groups at nearby churches and I've always just given up after a few visits. The same goes for any prescribed anti-depressant medication. I take it for a while and just give up and go cold-turkey. I never even finish the bottles that I am prescribed! My depression has convinced me that it will never get better, that its "special", too deeply dug inside of me to ever come out. Its quite obvious that I will never seek out help myself (my dad has always initiated it) or that I will ever see any treatment plan through. I probably will have to be forcibly committed in a facility to actually get help and get better. My depression has completely taken over the steering wheel in the car that is my life. I can't trust myself to get better, my depression will do its strongest to make sure it never leaves me, will keep ruining and sabotaging my life and ultimately take that life via suicide. So far, its doing a magnificent job. I've became bitter, angry, jaded, especially at the mental health professionals. Its in our nature to be greedy. If all their patients commit suicide, they have nobody to treat and no source of income. If all their patients get better, they again lose out on further income from subsequent visits. They just want to keep us in this purgatory and give false hope that we will someday get better, while they keep bleeding our time and wallets dry. Its just the way I am feeling right now. Sigh.... Now, I don't mean to offend anyone and I am sorry if I am saying things that seem really stupid and out there. I am quite sure that these people mean the best and that countless number of people have been cured, saved away from suicide, etc. because of them. I guess I just feel that only I can't be cured but that everyone else can be. I suppose in reality, it all falls somewhere in the middle in terms of sheer greed and profit and also just being altruistic and genuinely providing help and comfort. I'm probably slowly but surely becoming crazy and believing in evil conspiracies. My very long-term depression has just screwed me up beyond belief.