Whats The Point? Time To End It All?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BML84, Dec 6, 2009.


Am I Right To End It?

  1. Yes

    0 vote(s)
  2. No

    0 vote(s)
  3. Wait a While.

    0 vote(s)
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  1. BML84

    BML84 Member

    I've reached the end. I'm not depressed. I'm not delusional. I simply can't stand any more!
    Its quite rational really.
    Just back from works night out. Nice enough people but I feel no connection with them at all. Don't get me wrong-got a few compliments on my tuxedo, and they were friendly, but theres really nothing in common. My relationship broke up badly due to my getting involved at my last place of work with a girl who used me to further her own ends and ended up getting me to quit. So moved back here to start again.
    At this one I was friendly with a girl- A. She used to ask me to go for coffee (actually used to run after me) and we had fun together.
    Last year we were work buddies. Then it changed. We argued quite a bit and she thought I 'fancied' her though I told her we were just friends. Then after days when she made my life miserable last month we didn't speak at all.
    Anyway-long story short- we made time to talk tonight. For quite a while-people kept coming up to check.
    Turns out she never liked me, just felt that I needed someone friendly to help fit in. Simply a work colleague to her and a low one at that. She made it very clear on that score. She deleted my number during a previous argument and has no wish to have it again. Only felt I fancied her because others told her.
    Basically, she doesn't like me much. Seems I imagined it all. She felt sure I had no sexual feeling toward her (true when we met) and wouldn't look at me given what she has at home. Anyway, we're too different. When I gave everyone a Xmas card I gave her a better one to help make amends. Turns out that it just made her uncomfortable.
    So thats it-I'm really that repellent. An object of pity and mild disgust. I guess a part of her is disgusted by me. One woman uses me- the other, well, who knows.
    Perhaps its all been in my imagination. Maybe I mistook sympathy/pity for liking. I really am that pathetic. Just a figure of contempt or ridicule or worse.
    I don't even know why I'm doing this- I'm going to go ahead with what I plan to do anyway. Be nice to have a final Xmas but can't face a New Year.
    It really can be perfectly rational to end it all. I'm a 37 year old failure who excites nothing but loathing or contempt in others. I'd do it now but I feel my Mother deserves warning. So she can prepare.
    Every path I look down ends in nothing. I feel so cold and can hardly sleep.
    I really don't want to live. No illness-no delusion-no depression. Just an acceptance that this can't go on. I'm so, so tired of it all. I'm tired, I'm pathetic, I'm so, so very sick of it. I hate it.
    Wouldn't you?
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I've had to close your poll; this is a pro-life site, and so nobody is going to tell you to kill yourself. Please stay and talk! :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No i would do what you are doing and that is reaching out for help in any way i could. Talking to people venting anything to help ease the pain and sadness. If you feel suicidal you should be talking with your GP and getting help for your depression therapy meds there are many options to help you choose one of them okay. Glad you came here as this was lst step to getting rid of some of you pain.
  4. white_feather

    white_feather Member

    I am in almost the same spot. I'm hanging in there, barely, but I'm hanging in there. Tomorrow is the day my friend ended her life over a wrong pregnancy test reading. I knew nothing about it. I had planned to do it tomorrow so we could hang out together. Now I'm not so sure.
  5. I have a question but it isn't directly related to your thoughts of suicide. If you were to go ahead with it, why would you tell your mother? Don't you think that would make it harder for her? Like if she has the knowledge that you're going to do it, and you do, don't you think she will feel a lot more guilt? She'll always believe she could have done something to stop it and that she failed you.

    The reason I ask is because I'm in a similar situation but I've made the decision not to tell anyone who has the ability to intervene. I just don't see the point. If you're reaching out and want someone to help you or change your mind and help you realise that it's not your best option, that's understandable. What I don't understand is why someone would tell their loved ones they are going to commit suicide and then go ahead with it anyway.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    there are countless reasons relationships dont get started or dont last.
    first of all, the vast majority of reltationships today .. dont mean what they used to many years ago. the meaning of relationship has changed.

    a good deal of todays relationships start in a bar or a party or it starts because one or the other looks "hot". before you know it ... zoom bamm your in bed and the relationship is created.
    so many ppl today base their relationships on looks or money alone. they never give ...compatibility or things in common a second thought. its the farthest from their minds.
    that in it self plays a very big role as to why relationships dont get started or last.

    ppl dont look at whats on the inside anymore ... except the inside of the others clothes. i hung around a friend of mine for about 4 months. both with the understanding that we would see how things went .... to decide if it would or could go further than friendship.

    oh sure i enjoyed being around her and her company ... however. ....we
    couldnt hold a converstaion.
    the point is, it would be fine to be friends, but there would never be anything else to it.
    its true that, being turned down, dampens the self esteem, however ...
    you cant allow ppl to run your life.
    im almost 50 and i only had one true girlfriend... almost got married.
    i wasnt dating in school because the girls wernt intrested in me. so .. i left them alone.
    I MOVED ON. life doesnt end because you dont have a girl friend or boy friend.
    ppl use ppl. thats just the way it is sometimes. you have to get back up and move on with your life. your not a failure because someone used you. hell, way back when, every time i found a friend, seemed like i got shit on.

    the one thing i do know is, alot of the problem turns out to be US. the way we present ourself to others. the way we look at ppl. the look on our face.
    we are in control of our destiney. no one else.
    when i moved to this state in april of this year. i changed my attitude. i changed the way i looked at SOME PPL. it helps.

    theres nothing wrong with you. perhaps its the way you carry yourself from any negative reactions. one more thing is, its how we feel about ourself that matters as well .... it shows.

    dont give up and give in because of that. you have alot to offer in this life time, maybe its just time you sat down looked inside of you at the good things instead of dwelling on what ISNT.
  7. Dhanjot

    Dhanjot Well-Known Member

    Hey BLM,

    I sure can't tell you what's right or wrong for you, but I hope you'll decide to hang in there. It seems imposibble, but things can get better. About being able to well with women, I think it may be something that you can adjust (if I'm reading this correctly) if you'd feel like it, try a seacrh on Mike Pilinski..

    And also, well, you probably already know this, but maybe check out some things on confidence and coping skills...

    In any case, I hope you decide to stuck around and maybe hang out here with some of us...
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