I've reached the end. I'm not depressed. I'm not delusional. I simply can't stand any more! Its quite rational really. Just back from works night out. Nice enough people but I feel no connection with them at all. Don't get me wrong-got a few compliments on my tuxedo, and they were friendly, but theres really nothing in common. My relationship broke up badly due to my getting involved at my last place of work with a girl who used me to further her own ends and ended up getting me to quit. So moved back here to start again. At this one I was friendly with a girl- A. She used to ask me to go for coffee (actually used to run after me) and we had fun together. Last year we were work buddies. Then it changed. We argued quite a bit and she thought I 'fancied' her though I told her we were just friends. Then after days when she made my life miserable last month we didn't speak at all. Anyway-long story short- we made time to talk tonight. For quite a while-people kept coming up to check. Turns out she never liked me, just felt that I needed someone friendly to help fit in. Simply a work colleague to her and a low one at that. She made it very clear on that score. She deleted my number during a previous argument and has no wish to have it again. Only felt I fancied her because others told her. Basically, she doesn't like me much. Seems I imagined it all. She felt sure I had no sexual feeling toward her (true when we met) and wouldn't look at me given what she has at home. Anyway, we're too different. When I gave everyone a Xmas card I gave her a better one to help make amends. Turns out that it just made her uncomfortable. So thats it-I'm really that repellent. An object of pity and mild disgust. I guess a part of her is disgusted by me. One woman uses me- the other, well, who knows. Perhaps its all been in my imagination. Maybe I mistook sympathy/pity for liking. I really am that pathetic. Just a figure of contempt or ridicule or worse. I don't even know why I'm doing this- I'm going to go ahead with what I plan to do anyway. Be nice to have a final Xmas but can't face a New Year. It really can be perfectly rational to end it all. I'm a 37 year old failure who excites nothing but loathing or contempt in others. I'd do it now but I feel my Mother deserves warning. So she can prepare. Every path I look down ends in nothing. I feel so cold and can hardly sleep. I really don't want to live. No illness-no delusion-no depression. Just an acceptance that this can't go on. I'm so, so tired of it all. I'm tired, I'm pathetic, I'm so, so very sick of it. I hate it. Wouldn't you?