Who can I turn to when no one really cares? Tonight my biggest fantasy is not to hit the lottery, not to find prince charming, but to successfully commit suicide. This fantasy is the only thing that brings me relief, because I know I cannot change the way my family treats me. The only real joy I have ever had was having children. If I could only go back to those years when I mattered. My children are now grown, seeing me as not much more than a burden. My whole life I have been undermined and ridiculed by my family, a behavior that has now taken hold with my children. They think it’s normal, because it’s all they know. At times I could handle it, but more times I can’t, and to try to make them see it will only make them mad at me, but because I know how little my feelings matter to them. I usually stuff these feelings deep down, trying to make some sort of sense out of it because I don’t want to resent my family. I wish I could tell someone all of this, but I know I can’t, because my feelings are clearly not important enough for someone to understand the pain I’m in. This would only anger the people in my life. Tonight I hate myself. I wish I was someone else or dead. This feeling of worthlessness is so unbearable. I am losing my fight. I don’t know how much longer I can feel this. I have no one who loves me for me, only people that want things from me. I know the only way anyone will ever grasp one glimpse of my value is if I die. But maybe not. They’ll probably only miss my subservient reliability. Why do I stay? Because I love the people who want things from me. And that loneliness is too much to bear. If this is all an illusion, then I should just end it. It won’t matter because none of it exists anyways. I’m ready to leave this this pitiful existence. Please...whoever can hear me...please remove me from all of this tonight.