What's the point

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Dan99, Jan 18, 2015.

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  1. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Hello everybody,

    I apologize for the sullen title but that is pretty much what i feel right now.

    I am a 36 year old male.... i am single..... most of my life i have been single..... i've never been in a relationship wherein the girl i was with was "marriage material" in my mind..... all of the girls i deemed "marriage material" rejected me..... and so i suppose with all these rejections, my confidence has dwindled and dwindled, thereby further decreasing my chances with women....... plus i am a bit older now..... painfully i have learned that past 30, girls get weirded out at the thought of dating an older guy......... it seems the age gap is a real deal breaker where i live.

    Basically i am living now as a "hermit"..... I don't go out because people will often make me feel bad about being single............... even a 12 year old boy said i was inferior because i was not married (I kid you not! I can't believe it ether but it DID happen!) He said it jokingly of course but i realized that in him was mirrored society's view on single people..... which is of course warped and totally illusory but it's no use arguing with society. If they think i'm a loser, nothing i do, not even the most brilliant and logical debate, can change that.

    Almost all of my friends are married............ a very few are still single like me but since i moved they are miles and miles away. All my siblings are married too. So I feel left out. I feel isolated. I feel like a weirdo.

    So for the past 4 years or so i have been considering becoming a buddhist monk........... maybe there i could find that sense of community again....a sense that i BELONG.....a sense that i am ACCEPTED............ but of course that life has its problems too...........

    Married life has its problems too........... even if i were to be married to the girl of my dreams, we all know that love does not last......... more attachments in life = more worries.......... worrying about finances, worrying about our kids, worrying about whether she is sleeping with other men or not.............

    The depressing thought i had this morning went like this:

    "if you're single you're gonna suffer
    if you're married you're gonna suffer
    if you're a monk you're gonna suffer

    what's the point?
    why am i here?
    what's my purpose?"

    I have heard of Near Death Experiences wherein people who commit suicide do NOT go to hell; like everybody else they enter this realm of light and of pure bliss and unconditional love; they felt like they were going home........ and they weren't judged for their suicide........... this is where i want to go!......... since i'm being useless here on earth anyway.......... living an unfulfilling life.......... i feel that i am just wasting my time here.......

    Please, i do want to hear from you guys............. maybe it is just a serotonin defficiency i am experiencing right now but i don't want to take drugs..... I need help in terms of my cognition............... apparently i am just seeing the bad side and not the bright side............ to tell you the truth i have posted notes all over my room like an insane person, notes on what's so great about being single.......... but it all seems so empty and pointless........

    Again, i thank you for your patience.

  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You need to speak to someone about your feelings and life is very important. Please DO NOT ACT ON ANY FEELINGS. You need to remember you are not the only one suffering in the world. There is a purpose in living and I understand that you have no one but it takes time to meet someone special. I can understand feeling lonely makes you think about life and what is purpose. You sound like a wonderful person so please do not question yourself.

    At this moment in your life, you need to be strong and focus on day to day activities. You are hurt from the comments of the child BUT YOU ARE NOT INFERIOR BUT A KIND HUMAN BEING.

    Keep posting for the support but please speak to someone as your will only suffer internal emotional turmoil. Take care and be safe. Oops, do not worry about posting a long post as it will helps you write your feelings you feel.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2015
  3. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    Well, I guess if all you are looking for in a marriage is a young sexy body then it is not surprising no on is interested. Most people want a partner to live life with and grow older with, not someone just worried about looks.
    I am saddened that you have not discovered how fulfilling a true relationship can be that is based on shared interest and not just sex. Or for that matter how much more fulfilling sex is when there is a more to talk about and enjoy together. Most people want to be loved for who they are, not just for what they look like!

    Is there anything you have wanted to do? Go hike a certain trail, ride a horse, sail a boat, learn a dance, travel, canoe, paint, take pictures, volunteer? Anything you thought about doing or thought sounded interesting? It is a lot easier to meet people if you are involved with something.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi Dan, welcome to SF.

    I have a couple of questions: A) What was wrong with the woman YOU rejected for not being "marriage material" and B) why are you fixed on finding a younger woman? (How much younger are we talking about exactly that 36 is considered an older man?) Just so I can better understand your issue.

    As for drugs - I am endlessly baffled by the many people who come by here saying that they are thinking about dying and are depressed and find everything hopeless but who do not want to take a medication - depression is a medical condition and needs to be treated by doctors, most often with medications. If you had diabetes or high blood pressure you would not decide you don't want to take the relevant medication to be better - mental illness is absolutely no different than any other medical condition; it requires treatment to get better.

    I am sorry that you feel life is pointless and that it will inevitably end in misery - perhaps it is less that you need your life to change as that you need to readdress what is important to you - if you don't think that marriage will make you happy and that you are only doing it because everyone else has done it and you believe society considers unmarried people to be 'less' somehow, then do not get married. Stop looking for 'a point' in what you believe society has decreed is 'the point' and instead figure out what would make YOU happy.

    Take care and stay safe
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    I think you were little bit smarter in the dating game than what you give yourself credit for.

    Look at all of the messy breakups/divorces/heartbreaks/affairs now with your friends the older you got. Who got screwed up big time?

    Just keep your head on your shoulders and keep on the lookout for the right woman that comes along all of the time waiting will be worth it.
  6. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome Dan. :)
  7. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    I can relate, I live like a "hermit" as well because I am agoraphobic, and don't really get out nearly as much as I should, nor date. I'm middle aged and single and often feel inferior, but where do people come off judging others, when they have no idea of you situation - maybe you are the loner type and there is really nothing wrong with that.

    I'm sorry I really have other answers to your faith question concerning Suicide and going to hell. I suppose it one of the biggest reason I stick around, because its a fear of mine as well.

    If you feel medication is not the answer, maybe you could give therapy a try.

    Good luck and better days ahead.
  8. Paula Evans

    Paula Evans Member

    Chin up there is someone out there for everyone.
  9. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    some people only find their life calling and purpose later in life
  10. gsp

    gsp Member

    Hi Dan,

    I hope you know that you're not alone because I'm in almost exactly the same boat as you, and I'm a few years older. I can relate to almost everything you said. Don't buy into society's view of what is acceptable or normal. People like us are out there, but since we don't fit into what society says is normal, we're going to be harder to find.

    Try to find or make your own purpose in life. Don't let yourself be defined by other people. And please remember, you're not the first person to go through what you're going through, and you definitely won't be the last.
  11. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Hello Freya, thank you so much for your reply.

    To answer your questions:
    A) There wasn't anything "wrong" with my ex, it's just that she was in this religion (a cult-like religion to be honest), and she said she cannot marry anyone outside her religion, hence i needed to convert......and i was having none of that.

    B) I'm sorry if you guys misunderstood me (poor choice of words on my part)..... I am not necessarily looking for a younger woman........ it's just that a few years ago, i went to college again and of course, the people i was hanging out with were BY DEFAULT younger. And all my acquaintances who are my age or close to my age are all married anyways............

    As for the drugs......... yeah i agree with you, i should take them..... my fear is i will be DEPENDENT on them........... so now i am experimenting with caffeine....... the effect it has on me is amazing (probably because it has never been a daily routine for me)........... i notice that on caffeine, the same "depressing" thoughts that loop almost daily no longer elicit an emotional response.

    Thanks again
  12. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Thanks so much gsp, i really appreciate your reply.

    (I like your nickname btw....... George St.Pierre fan perhaps?) :D
  13. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Thank you W Miller, I appreciate your reply.

    You know.......maybe like 7-9 years ago I had an "agoraphobic" episode............. I was in a mall and for some reason i got stressed out and extremely anxious......... like all these people milling about......... all i wanted was to get home as fast as possible.......
  14. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Thanks DrownedFishonFire, i appreciate it :)

    Yeah looking at the troubles my peers are going through........... for example, infidelity.......... it saddens me to see that kind of thing cuz it was my dad's infidelity that destroyed our family.
  15. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I'm in my 50s and have never been divorced. That puts me ahead of the game.

    Look at it that way.
  16. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Hello Everyone,

    I am glad to say that I am feeling much better now (a lot due to your input and the articles i've read on this forum).

    A while ago a thought occurred to me......

    "So if my main problem was a feeling of isolation/rejection when people judge me for being single......
    Well if i were married, .......now my wife will judge me, ........my kids will judge me, .........my in-laws will judge me.........

    Getting into a relationship is no escape from judgment.....

    So i need to accept that being judged unfairly is a part of life...... and in that sense, I am no different from everybody else because we all experience unfair judgment..... "

  17. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The thing to remember is we all judge everybody and everybody judges us- every minute and second of the time people are interacting (in any format) it is happening. The important part of that is that people are using that judgement to make up there own thoughts and actions. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem comes when you let there judgment and thoughts negatively effect you. There thoughts are theirs- there is no reason for it to effect you unless you choose to let it.

    You make judgement about them (that they are being unfair and they think ... etc etc) - all you need to do is use your judgement to decide if they are good for you or bad for you and then act on your own judgement- and to hell with what they are thinking or the results of their judgement because what they think does not negatively effect your life unless you let it. Care about your own thoughts, not theirs.
  18. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Thank you sir, this is great advice.

    I actually have this text printed out on my wall "If someone criticizes you and you feel upset, it's like you're saying their opinion of you is stronger than your own opinion of yourself." ........... but to be honest even though that reminder is there.......... i still feel the sting of the memories wherein others have judged me unfairly...... I suppose i am just "built" differently than others (like my Dad......whose confidence seems unshakeable...... which leads me to wonder if i am really his biological offspring cuz why didn't i inherit that?!! lol just kidding)
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