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Whats the point?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by peterx, Oct 29, 2015.

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  1. peterx

    peterx Member

    I am staring at this page, I start to write something, then erase it, and I repeat this over and over again.

    The reason I erase what I have written, is because I think it sounds foolish. I know if I just dump my thoughts, I will get supportive responses. But that is not what I need. I need to fix me. But... I also know how to fix me. i.e. Exercise, Good Sleep hygiene, get medical help for depression.

    But, I just can't be bothered to fix me.

    I guess I need to tell someone what is going through my head. Maybe just dumping will help. So here goes...

    My problems started a few years ago with a traumatic event that my daughter went through. I have posted details here before: https://www.suicideforum.com/threads/scary-thing-is-i-am-not-scared.135014/#post-1448511

    My daughter is still struggling and so am I. I hate myself for failing her. I am her father and I should be strong for her to help her get better. But I am weak and falling apart.

    I just don't see the point of going on day after day after day. My hopes and dreams for my children have been taken away from me. If you don't have hopes and dreams, what is there to live for?

    I just see this never ending cycle of surviving, going through the motions day after day, just to save up for retirement and then hope that the money doesn't run out before I die.

    Why bother going to all that effort when there is no hope for happiness, fulfillment or something to strive for. When all hope is gone, is there any point living?

    (side note: I never cry, but I start writing this and tears are streaming down my face and I don't know why)

    Reading what I have written, it all just sounds so stupid to feel like this. But I do feel hopeless and just want to slip away.....
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 29, 2015
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am so you feel so hopeless not supid no there myself it is good the tears come releasing some of the sadness and the pain
    i wish i could give you words of wisdom i do right now hope is invisible to you but that does not mean it won't show itself again
    each day presents new hope ok for you and your daughter hold on ok
    2 people like this.
  3. SinSentido

    SinSentido Member

    It doesn't sound stupid to me. Feeling like you've let down a person that you value highly is quite the valid reason for despair and depression.

    I read your post about your daughter. I have teenagers, too. I simply cannot imagine.

    My heart goes out to you for the pain that you're in right now, bro. I cried when I wrote my long ass post yesterday (two days ago? Who knows). Fuggit. They're tears. Let em out.

    I hope that writing some of this down tonight has been at least a little therapeutic. Know that your story has given me a little more resolve to stick around for my kids, too.

    They need us. As much as life sux the big one, this shit life that it is, we know they need us.
    2 people like this.
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Peterx, next time you write something down Show it here, I am crying for you and your daughter, right now as I write,
    please if you don't want to post it you can put it in a private Diary on here or save it an read it or send it to me, I guarantee I will not laugh
    i don't think that anyone else on here will laugh either! I know how you feel, Helpless, hopeless, numb, nothing makes sense everything seems bleak and dark, you have nowhere to turn, Yes peter we know what you feel, we know how brutalizing an crippling all of that is
    We want you to feel that you can share all of that with us, we know some of what you feel but we are not standing in your shoes but we will be here for you, we will support you as best we can, we are up for it!, you reached out in here an I think the others an myself in here are up to it! We care about you and we care about your daughter. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are dealing with, Peter know that we are here for you, we care we will not judge, we will try to give you some of the strength we have to help you, Peter be gentle on yourself, this is not your fault, You are working so hard to do what is right, please do not give up now! Your daughters need you! I am sorry but they do, I know that you feel so out of it, separated , this isn't a bad dream to you this is the Nightmare, We are Sorry, I am sorry We are Still here For You Peter! Please be gentle on Your self
    2 people like this.
  5. peterx

    peterx Member

    Thx Guys for your support. I have settled down a bit. I felt so strongly compelled to do something drastic this morning. But I really don't have a choice, no matter how crap I feel, I need to be there each day for my daughters.

    Just being heard and validated, has helped. My feelings are now much milder. The sadness and hopelessness comes in waves, one minute I feel ok, next minute, something minor just makes me feel overwhelmed and sad. But at least it isn't constant

    One day at a time....
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 30, 2015
  6. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Peterx, I do hear you, some times for me it was minute at a time, I am so glad that you are feeling better, I can imagine how hard
    each day must be, please, just know we are here all of the time for you, we have a chat room and a game room. when your world gets a little heavy. You don't have to be in Crises or at the bottom to come in here, you are welcome any time or all of the time. we will listen or talk, we know what it is like, some in here have been where you were when you first posted, some still are, good or bad we are here for you! Peterx take care of yourself so many of us do for others, Please be kind and gentle to yourself We are here for you!
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