Whats the point?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ApexAsura, Jun 14, 2016.

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  1. ApexAsura

    ApexAsura Active Member

    My question here is if you tried making many goals and have tried pretty much everything to fit in and belong in this world that you absolutely feel like you dont belong in gave 120% in everything yet nothing works out for you. What do you do? Whats the point in living? Living a hollow existence of just trying to survive finding small bits of happiness just to stay afloat in the infinite abyss of suffering that is life here. I find myself thinking of this more and more... What i want isnt here, every fiber of my being wants to escape, ever since i was a kid.

    When i make goals i do give it all i have to accomplish them but in the end i cant cause these are just goals to survive not things i really want to do just a means to a end of making it by. I find myself devoid of wanting anything lately... Less and less interests me, I have fully accepted and welcomed death for years now, we will all die someday no avoiding it, pointless to be afraid of something we cant avoid. I even embrace the thought of an infinite void over this existence. I gave so much effort in my life, i really have tried my best to enjoy life but i just cant... Happiness is fleeting passing by in moments, people leave easily without a second thought... I have no goals and no reasons anymore. I have nothing. I want nothing... im just done... If anyone can help enlighten me please do. I just feel so drained with putting so much effort to amount to nothing.
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you feel this way Apex. It is a very draining way to feel. We all want to belong. Somewhere. I think most people really do find life to be a roller coaster ride. There are brief periods of happiness along with periods of sorrow and periods of just kind of getting by. I know that many of the goals I set in life were really unreasonable. I think that is one of the problems leading to depression. We just expect too much out of ourselves. You wrote about setting 'many' goals. I would encourage you to reflect on your goals and select one or two to strive for. Sometimes shooting for too much at once can make it difficult to achieve anything. And try not to get down on those goals that are just to survive. Those are important goals. It does take work to survive. That is true for everyone. With survival comes the chance to work on those goals that can bring joy. Select a couple of those goals to work towards. But not too many. Don't spread yourself too thin. You are still young. Please give yourself a chance to find the happiness you seek. You absolutely deserve that.
    ApexAsura and Petal like this.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum, I am sorry you are suffering so much but just want to let you know that I do sympathise and care for you. I really hope things imrove soon... is there anything at all that you would like to do but feel you can't for whatever reason? Make that your goal. Be kinder to yourself and you will set yourself free =)
  4. ApexAsura

    ApexAsura Active Member

    Thanks for the replies and i have tried the many goals one at a time :) just doesnt work out for me no matter the effort i put in. What i want is to freely travel the world without all the complication of borders and it would be nice to not have to worry about sleep/shelter/food/etc so i can just enjoy nature. Also i have a thirst for knowledge and love learning things with the internet that is made pretty easy my curiosity is always sated when a question arises besides those many questions that are beyond our capacity currently. But its on a soul level that i feel corroded worn down and i feel on a soul level that i never belonged here, which was further proved to be the case when i tried my best to belong here and fit in with society. If a puzzle piece doesnt fit and is vastly different then the puzzle youre working on why try shoving it into the puzzle when it doesnt belong shape wise and as a big picture. I truly appreciate you guys replying and trying to help and am thankful there is a group for others who suffer from the many forms of mental struggles and that you guys reach out to the many lonely/hurt souls out here. :)
  5. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Apex-many thoughts came to mind for me when I read your posts-firstly, I realized that it all comes down to perspective. You talked a lot about your soul-feeling things on a soul level. In my experience, people like us who feel that they don't belong in society are actually old souls. Old souls are more advanced than young souls-that is why they have no interest in the sorts of things that young souls obsess about. It's not a bad thing to be an old soul-it is a privilege and an honor. Old souls are leaders-not followers. They think at a higher level than most-that is why communication is often difficult, if not impossible. I believe that many chronic depressives (like you, me and the other participants on this forum) are old souls who don't understand why they're out of sync with mainstream society. Instead of cultivating feelings of self-loathing because you feel different than most of the people around you-perhaps you could consider the possibility that you're different for very good reasons, not bad ones. Embrace your life on a soul level-instead of rejecting it, soon an entirely new universe of experience will present itself to you. Hope this helps :)
  6. ApexAsura

    ApexAsura Active Member

    well said, I do feel like an old soul misplaced here. I do embrace myself and i do love myself i just feel like my puzzle piece isnt a fit for this puzzle and not matter how hard i try to "survive" and find happiness here it just back fires. Its like life wants to constantly refine me with a hellish life lol.
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Oh, this would be such a grand way to live! I don't know if it would be possible as a permanent life style, but for periods of time it certainly would. You would have to engage in some of those survival things. Like earning money so you could travel. Work for a while, chose the place you would like to go and do it. You can do this Apex! The borders would be an issue, but just decide what you would most like to see. New Zealand, Antarctica, Madagascar....the list is endless.

    And Apex is so right. There is nothing wrong with being an old soul. Old soul's are invaluable. We just live in a world where most don't know how to appreciate us. So we have to learn how to appreciate ourselves. This world would be a dismal place indeed without old souls.
    Autumn Fairy and ApexAsura like this.
  8. ApexAsura

    ApexAsura Active Member

    I wish i had someone to teach me, to guide me in traveling and survival skills id leave everything i own in an instant. My whole life i was on my own and have been stumbling, and most people just judge me telling me my best isnt good enough yet they dont even bother trying to help me learn just ridicule me for not being as fast as they are lol. I would give anything to have a good friend or experienced traveler to take me under their wing and travel with them. :) That would be soul healing for me, but where to look?
  9. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I stumbled into cruising completely by accident more than twenty years ago. In retrospect, it was an invaluable blessing that permanently changed my destiny (for the better). I didn't have a home on land for over four years-I lived on ships and got paid to travel all over the world. The beautiful thing about that lifestyle (for people like us, who struggle with relationships) is that you're surrounded by transients, so you're not expected to bond with people for any length of time. I met many people like myself working on the ships-people who loved traveling and wanted to drop out of society for a while and get their head on straight. Room and food are provided for you by the cruise line-you only have relationships if you want to. You're just expected to do your job and mind your own business.

    You mentioned that you loved traveling-so did I, that was why I believed I'd be a great fit for cruising and I was. It got me away from relationships that had caused me tremendous emotional pain and self-hatred for many years. I suggest cruising to every young, single person I meet-traveling changes who you are and how you see yourself in the world. It is an especially good fit for all of us old souls who see more going on in life than meets the eye. Old souls are definitely different. I used to curse the parts of myself that were different because I believed that those parts cut me off from people I wanted to be close to and impress. I now bless the parts of myself that are different (maybe even socially undesirable)-that is the truth about who I am and I'm determined to just be me for the rest of my life. I live my life to please myself-no one else.

    Anyone who can't handle me (exactly as I am) has no place in my life. There is no anger or animosity-we're just not meant to be. I fought hard for many years to get people to respect me-but in the end I decided that I had to respect myself first. That changed everything for me. I finally decided that I would rather be happy alone than miserable in relationships that never work and always go nowhere. Once I made peace with the possibility that I would always be alone-people started coming to me and relationships that were built upon mutual respect began to happen. I've been in a healthy (and very happy) relationship for almost 15 years. Inner revolution was a slow, gradual process for me but it did happen. If I can do it-you can do it, too. Believe in yourself-put yourself in the drivers seat of your car and never let anyone talk you out of living your dreams :)
  10. ApexAsura

    ApexAsura Active Member

    ohh that sounds fun living on a cruise ship where do i sign up? haha
  11. Autumn Fairy

    Autumn Fairy New Member

    I feel very similarly to you by the sounds of it Apex, and if it wasn't for my children I would already be long gone! I realised last night that I have actually never had anything new in my adult life! Everything I own has come from freecycle or been bought second hand from eBay or car boots. Never had a new washing machine, a new car, a new sofa, a new bed... Or even a new mattress! I have reached the halfway point in my life and I have achieved very little and have nothing to show for anything. Not only that but I can actually never see it being any different! It sucks!

    ...but I have my kids. They're struggling too and they need me. I can't afford to disappear on them because I'm the only constant in their young lives. They have been through so much trauma themselves that I can't do what I want to do which is be selfish, run away, end things to escape from this constant crap and pain I am in. I want to so badly but I can't. At least not today. I have to deal with it all one day at a time. Small chunks are easier to handle. I can't look at the big picture right now. Evidently you can which, regardless of whether you feel you fit or not, is actually a really positive thing I think. You can see past your own experience and see something more... That has great potential. For now I need to be content with just noticing my own jigsaw piece and accepting the shape it is. More may come in time but today I just have to be content with taking baby steps.

    I wish I could come travelling with you. Once my kids are grown I would love to. It may well be what we both need to find our purpose. X
    ApexAsura likes this.
  12. ApexAsura

    ApexAsura Active Member

    Having someone that needs you does help motivate you for sure. Traveling would be an eye opener, a spirit journey. I hope one day i find my true calling, i just have this instinct thats telling me its not here. Not on this plane of existence or world. Im just surviving this trial the best i can, trying to find enjoyment in all the little things but its a struggle. Im glad you can put your own needs on hold for your childrens sake. :) And even small steps forward is still progress. :)
  13. tireedd

    tireedd Active Member

    I feel similar to how you feel about yourself and not fitting in...for me it's also about having no parents, no souls to love me unconditionally and to help me.Maybe your puzzle piece simply doesn't fit where you tried to put it.

    Start giving your best to things that you enjoy, to goals that would make you happy and fulfilled.I'm not saying everything will be going your way, but you may want to start moving things in the direction that you want (and for that you will have to work hard and make some smart decisions).You will probably always have to struggle with unpleasant things, menial things.BUT start respecting yourself and those who deserve it, not people who never appreciate you.Take advantage of the fact that you live in the US (it hold some great opportunities).Find a job that allows you to travel the world (^_^).Or find an intermediate job, something you are great at, save money and make smaller trips around the world.I don't know the details, you may have tried already but given your age I still think that IT IS POSSIBLE, TRUST ME.I tend to be right, also terribly wrong at times but not this time!And make no mistake, this isn't some bullshit to make you feel better.I'm also 100% sure it is possible for you to find something in your life that will make you feel like it's truly worth it.

    I believe there is a point to this life.I like to believe that.The alternative is that our life is completely devoid of any sort of meaning.However this seems to be wrong to me for several reasons.I also feel like our lives are like some sort of challenge and there may be more afterwards.Hold on and make the most of it.
    ApexAsura likes this.
  14. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Apex-the other part about traveling that works with you (and not against you) is your artistic talent. I've met many people all over Canada, the United States and Europe that make a decent living doing portraits for tourists. You could also do charicatures (spelling?) for cruise ships and sunset cruises. There are many ways that your talent and your interest in traveling could work nicely together. You definitely got it right when you said "spirit journey"-years of traveling will make your spirit very happy (and hopefully you too). Good luck-be brave and take a big risk. Look at it this way-you know exactly what will happen if you stay where you are. But you'll never know who you could have been and where you could have gone in your life if you don't try. Take a chance-TRY
    ApexAsura likes this.
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