seriously. i'm never going to get better than this. all i do is spend my day in my bedroom obsessing over everything, planning ways to lose weight, and reminding myself more and more why im just a useless waste of space. i'm not wanted by anyone. everyone is so disappointed in me and no-one believes there is anything wrong with me, and that i am just being a drama queen. well fuck them. they have no fucking idea why i am the way i am now. and they'll never know that it was partially them that drove me to attempt suicide three times. the fourth is on its way... idk when though. i just want to feel something besides the emotional pain. if its physical, people will see it and believe it. all i think about lately is sh and od... ways to get meds from my doctor.. i hate being like this. i hate being so freaking deformed that people stare at me on the street, and laugh to themselves or the people theyre with. i hate being terrified of people. i hate the fact that my only real social contact is via a fucking computer screen. i cannot live like this much longer.