Last night I had a really bad night, felt really suicidal and was up until about seven AM talking myself out of ending it all. It was so bad that when I finally got to sleep I dreamed that I was killing myself. I have trouble sleeping anyway but that was a new level. Next thing I know my dad is knocking on my bedroom door and shouting at me. It's three o' clock in the afternoon. I've been asleep all day. I'm so lazy. Don't I know I've got my training starting tomorrow, why can't I just sleep normally like the rest of the human race? On and on. The whole time he was talking, I was just thinking, what is the point in it all? If I can unintentionally sleep all day and they don't even notice I'm not up until three in the afternoon, and even then only to shout at me for being lazy, what's the point in my being here at all? Obviously I wouldn't be missed. I honestly feel like they don't care whether I'm here or not, and I know nobody outside the family does, so why am I still here? I've been fighting suicide for months now but I don't feel like it's worth the effort any more. I've never actually attempted yet but I think about it all the time. The other thing is this training. I'm on Jobseekers' Allowance, and there's this thing where they train you to work and then send you on a placement. The whole thing is about twelve weeks and it starts tomorrow, Monday-Friday for about twelve weeks. I'm really worked up about it because all the papers have been signed so I HAVE to go, but I'm in such a bad way at the moment I just don't think I can cope with it. All I want to do is hide in my room and cry. And my parents were saying I should do some sort of training course thing for ages, so I thought they'd actually be supportive about something I do for once and that might get me through it, but now I've actually been signed up for one they suddenly think it's a stupid idea. Can you get into hospital without a suicide attempt? I'm seriously considering going to a mental health ward (there's one in my local hospital) and trying to get myself put in for a while, because even without the training looming over me, I know I need help, but I don't know if you actually have to have done something or not? Is thinking about suicide all the time and not being able to cope with your life enough to get you in? Or will they just think I'm attention seeking if I've yet to actually attempt? I can't go to my GP because we live in a tiny rural area where everyone knows everyone else's business, and also he's not exactly sympathetic to physical illnesses so God knows how he'd react to a mental problem. Sorry to rant on, just feeling really low and don't have anyone to turn to as usual.