What's the point?

[DiamondDust]

Last night I had a really bad night, felt really suicidal and was up until about seven AM talking myself out of ending it all. It was so bad that when I finally got to sleep I dreamed that I was killing myself. I have trouble sleeping anyway but that was a new level.

Next thing I know my dad is knocking on my bedroom door and shouting at me. It's three o' clock in the afternoon. I've been asleep all day. I'm so lazy. Don't I know I've got my training starting tomorrow, why can't I just sleep normally like the rest of the human race? On and on.

The whole time he was talking, I was just thinking, what is the point in it all? If I can unintentionally sleep all day and they don't even notice I'm not up until three in the afternoon, and even then only to shout at me for being lazy, what's the point in my being here at all? Obviously I wouldn't be missed. I honestly feel like they don't care whether I'm here or not, and I know nobody outside the family does, so why am I still here? I've been fighting suicide for months now but I don't feel like it's worth the effort any more. I've never actually attempted yet but I think about it all the time.

The other thing is this training. I'm on Jobseekers' Allowance, and there's this thing where they train you to work and then send you on a placement. The whole thing is about twelve weeks and it starts tomorrow, Monday-Friday for about twelve weeks. I'm really worked up about it because all the papers have been signed so I HAVE to go, but I'm in such a bad way at the moment I just don't think I can cope with it. All I want to do is hide in my room and cry. And my parents were saying I should do some sort of training course thing for ages, so I thought they'd actually be supportive about something I do for once and that might get me through it, but now I've actually been signed up for one they suddenly think it's a stupid idea.

Can you get into hospital without a suicide attempt? I'm seriously considering going to a mental health ward (there's one in my local hospital) and trying to get myself put in for a while, because even without the training looming over me, I know I need help, but I don't know if you actually have to have done something or not? Is thinking about suicide all the time and not being able to cope with your life enough to get you in? Or will they just think I'm attention seeking if I've yet to actually attempt?

I can't go to my GP because we live in a tiny rural area where everyone knows everyone else's business, and also he's not exactly sympathetic to physical illnesses so God knows how he'd react to a mental problem.

Sorry to rant on, just feeling really low and don't have anyone to turn to as usual.

 

[itmahanh]

Yes you can. You go to the ER and tell them that you are feeling extremely suicidal and dont think you can keep yourself safe any longer. They will have you talk to a pdoc and he or she will dtermine from there what to do to help you. And because you checked yourself in, it is considered a coluntary action. So if after 72 hours if you feel better able to cope you can request to discharge. But I think you would be best to stay for a while. You will receive a lot of helpful information and leads on resources that can help you.

I know this sounds like something you really dont want to do but hun, could you take an evening where you could sit down with your parents and tell them what is going on with you. How depressed and stressed out you are feeling. Or even write it out in a letter and leave it somewhere that they will find it and then you can all sit down and discuss it.

There are also support groups you can attend. A place where the others are in or have been in the same situation you are in right now. I live in a teeny rural area and even there you can find things to help you fight the depression and suicidal feelings. And most are free.

And of course keep posting here. Just being able to talk freely about the feelings without being judged and knowing others are feeling the same way can help so much. You'll feel a little better knowing others truly understand where you are and what you are battling :arms:

 

[Chalmers]

Go to the hospital. Tell them you need help now. If you have an organic issue, they can help you.

 

[ali 56]

you can also ring a crisis team and they assess you, I find them very helpfull when you feel you cannot cope. There are a few avenues you can try and they do help so you do not need to feel alone. Take care Ali

 

[Stranger1]

Sit down and write out a suicide note then go to the hospital and ask to speak to someone in mental health because you are suicidal,,Let them read the note and they should admit you..Be aware that they have different wards.. They have one for the extreme patients, The patients who aren't violent, and a ward for us old folks..So stay calm when you are being evaluated..

 

[DiamondDust]

Thank you so much for your messages. :stars:

Just to update, I went to hospital yesterday and saw a doctor. I don't really think it helped. He told me I should get out more and make new friends (like it's that easy!) and then told me one of his options was to refer me to the mental health team but he wasn't going to do that because there was nothing wrong with me. Er, except that I'm depressed, suicidal and cutting myself. Then he sent me off with a prescription for sleeping tablets. I don't think he understood at all. When I said I'd been feeling bad for months and I thought about suicide almost constantly, his response was "So why haven't you attempted yet, then?", as if the fact I hadn't tried anything yet was a bad thing!

I did go to my training, and it was much better than I thought it would be. The people was all really nice to me, which I wasn't expecting. And I ended up having to tell them what was going on, because going to the hospital made me late for the afternoon session, so they're easing me in gently and making sure I can cope with everything. They've also said that if after a week I don't feel that I can complete the training, they'll allow me to leave it and I won't get into any trouble. So I am actually feeling a bit better at the moment, but with no thanks to that doctor.