What's the point?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Sep 22, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Seriously – what is the point? I’m trying to figure out the whys and hows and so on.

    Long term where do I go from here? Or how do we move forward? Yes, one step at a time. But ultimately, if our soul mate is gone and we know that such a deep connection will never again be, how do we continue with purpose? Our purpose, our life, and our breath is gone.

    How do we find meaning in anything, l mean true and honest meaning? Yes, we may have other passions or interests, but if your influence and main rock crumbles, what are we left with?

    Yes, another may come into our lives, but each is different and I realize that the same type of connection will never occur again. I understand this.

    And if we try and try but end up back at zero over and over, isn’t that life telling us something? Or, are we not trying hard enough? Is the responsibility and blame then lying at my own feet?

    Can’t I just get over myself? Forget my stupid past, deal with the present and be the best I can? And what if this really is my best? Isn’t that crap? That’s no way to be, to live.

    Am I doing it for others? To prevent pain and hurt? Its not really that there are others anymore anyhow. How rediculous is it to say my animals are my only connection really to anything of meaning? Physical, I mean. But that isn't reason enough-- we all know when the urge or the impulses come, how difficult it is to fight them.

    I wonder, also, how obnoxious of a person I am. Why should I post? For attention? Others help and assist yet have no need to post but suffer similarly. Narcissistic? It feels that way at times. And this saddens me enormously. (and to point out I may have hurt some with this post by stating animals are my only connection, I apologize)

    Just ugly. An ugly person inside and out.

    So, again, I ask… what’s the real point?
  2. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I think we have whole soul families, not just soul mates. It's never easy to find another one of them, but it happens. The more you continue to look for purpose and meaning in your life, the more likely you are to run into another one from your soul family because they will be looking for their meaning and purpose in the same places, doing the same things, hoping to run into you. Do you know that there are people out there hoping to find you?

    Animals are a real comfort to those of us who are disillusioned with humans. They have their own special way of being present with us that can be very meaningful.

    I know what you mean about ending up back at zero over and over again. It becomes so tiresome by my age that I think, why bother trying anymore? But I'm almost 50. I was still getting back on the horse when I was younger. But I would give up for awhile first too. It's OK to just give up and take a rest sometimes.

    Being the one posting gives other people someone to relate to, someone they can point to and say, ahh, I'm not alone in feeling this way. It is like being the singer of the song that many feel in their heart. If no one posted how they were feeling, we wouldn't have a forum now would we.
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew. I wonder, too. What is that makes me wake each day? I feel defective, that others have a reason, or a person , or a cause that keeps them focused and going. What is there in the long term? I resent the fact that after my suicide attempt, not one person asked "How did you do it? How did you manage to go on when your world is gone?"

    Where is the joy, especially in those things that once filled this house, music, reading, just the joy of being with another that stimulated us, conversations that made me think. Where is the encouragement and approval?

    I can't forget my own past, I would like to, but it's already shaped me into myself, and to be honest, sometimes that has been fortunate, I have shown a willingness to help, and sometimes assist others. But there are also times I self-sabotage and hurt whoever is standing closest.

    I suppose I've missed your obnoxious posts, there are some that have inspired me, set an example that it's ok to bring this out, it's ok to reveal those feelings I've tried to stuff and control and conceal.

    This is too deep for one reply, and I'm not in a really good place tonight anyway, but what a thought-provoking topic. Thank you
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are NOT obnoxious hun You are cared for by many here and like stated so many read your post and can relate hun so keep posting ok
    No one knows what tomorrow or the next day or the next will bring to us hun Noone will replace your soul mate but perhaps one day another will come and bring a different joy to your being

    I for one am glad you are here and you are reaching out to your friends for support hugs
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all--

    Alienbeing - you pointed out a good way to look at it-- that others are looking too... its a nice way to think and provides some hope.

    I know theres not one magic answer, like theres not one magic pill either! And ultimately, perhaps we need to be happy within ourselves first before we can find meaning to many things or even any thing. Although some can put their fate into the hands of others, of higher beings, and hope that they are shown the meaning in their own lives. Maybe internal happiness and meaning are more intertwined than I thought. It seems unlikely to have one without the other in some regards.

    And its very subjective also I suppose. Gosh, am talking in circles. I would just like some internal peace, friends to laugh with... a more balanced life/existence.

    I cried last night. I sat after posting this and was pondering methods and similar. And I cried. Pain, confusion, loss, alone, being scared-- a lot of emotion. And I felt guilty. For many things, but mostly for my thoughts of ending when others have struggled through so much to make it through another day. How dare I throw away something that others fought daily for?

    Take care of yourselves & many thanks again.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm sorry, I need something or someone. I hate this stupidity. These feelings, my being. :(

    anxious, lost, empty, wanting to be done.

  7. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Mo... :arms: words seem empty & insufficient please know how much so many of us care I need you SF needs you your babies need you. One step at a time ok hour by hour minute by minute... Its overwhelming to worry about the future.Its never easy but nothing worth fighting for ever is... "so when you feel like falling down I'll carry you home" Sincerest care
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