What's this life for?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ready2leave, Oct 8, 2013.

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  1. Ready2leave

    Ready2leave New Member

    This will probably all come out wrong so please bear with me.

    I'm new.

    I attempted suicide in June but was found and they saved me. I wish they hadn't. Was intubated and the whole 9.

    My life has been a horror show from the start.

    I'm tired and quite frankly I'm back at the point where I'm ready to swallow another round of pills and hope they DON'T find me. My mother PLEADS with me to not do this, come home...every relationship I get in, even though I take GREAT measures to try and NOT find men who are going to use me, I wind up being used ANYWAY, I can't seem to win for losing.

    There is more to it than that - but I'm just so damn...tired.

    I guess my point is - what the hell is the point of all this damn misery? I'm so very tired. Everyone is happy with me as long as I'm breaking my back to please them but when I get to the point where *I* break, nobody wants to know me.

    I need help. If I tell my fiance, he doesn't have time.

    How's that song go? It's only when we're dead that people start listening?

    I'm ready to go now. It's just a matter of when...

    I told my mom this morning that unless I find some concrete reason why I'm supposed to be here, i'm out...

    I just don't know what to do. My fiance has small kids (not mine) - and I think the first weekend they go to their moms and I have the house to myself, I'm going to just be done with it, only so those little babies don't have to have THAT trauma in their lives. They're only 2 and 3. They don't need to see that mess.

    I'm just so tired of people draining me. I'm just so damn...tired. Nothing seems to be worth it. At all.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    This will probably all come out wrong so please bear with me.


    Nothing comes out wrong when you are letting your true feelings and thoughts out. Don't ever worry about that here.

    but I'm just so damn...tired.


    And what do you do when you're tired? Take a well deserved rest. You can't keep functioning when you're running on fumes. But you need to take the rest for you, not just to please others.

    Everyone is happy with me as long as I'm breaking my back to please them but when I get to the point where *I* break, nobody wants to know me.


    That unfortunately is too true. As long as you keep wearing the mask that allows everyone to see you as they need to. But take off that overly worn and badly cracked disguise...they turn their backs and walk away. Simply because it is so much easier for them. It scares the shit out of them. To accept that you need their help means that they also have to make time and accept the commitment and responsibility that they will have to contribute to be able to help you, keep you safe and to help you find the way to move forward once again. Take off the mask. Don't worry about how that makes or scare others. You are welcome to remove it here, no, strongly encouraged to take it off. People on this site truly understand how you feel and how hard you are struggling right now. Those that are able to help you, will. Keep posting. Keep getting the thoughts, feelings and urges out. This place is for you, not anyone else in your life right now, just your little safe haven.

    I need help
    Then you need to get some. But stop asking people that are not willing or able to. Ask here. You will find a lot of answers and good advice on how to get help in real life.

    I told my mom this morning that unless I find some concrete reason why I'm supposed to be here, i'm out...


    You really think your Mom can find those reasons for you? Hun you need to find those yourself if they are going to be strong enough to pull you through this. Your Mom can offer you nothing more than reasons SHE thinks you need to keep plugging along. Sounds like so far, you haven't been able to find any help there either. Seeing the reasons you have to be here. But so far you have been struggling in silence without any real guidance from someone else who truly understands where you're coming from or how you are feeling. Once again...Bingo! You found this place. It will give you a place to start letting all the crappiness out. Let go of all the shit that is stopping you from moving forward. A place where you no longer have to feel so alone with the hurt you have.

    You really need to take time for you. A break from trying to be someone that you aren't, right now at least, and letting yourself feel and then get rid of all the negative feelings and pain. You need to keep posting. Asking questions. Telling your story. And above all else...just giving yourself a chance to find a little rest from the rest of the world, in a place where you can feel safe and can be allowed to let yourself share what you are struggling with. Welcome to SF. Hope you find what you need here to be able to move forward once again with a more happier and rested you.
     
  3. Ready2leave

    Ready2leave New Member

    Itmahanh...thank you.

    I did take a rest. I've been sleeping a LOT lately. Hell, I laid down this afternoon and took a nap and let my fiance's older son (he's a godsend) handle the kids and he did it without a peep.

    This:

    It scares the shit out of them. To accept that you need their help means that they also have to make time and accept the commitment and responsibility that they will have to contribute to be able to help you, keep you safe and to help you find the way to move forward once again. Take off the mask. Don't worry about how that makes or scare others. You are welcome to remove it here, no, strongly encouraged to take it off. People on this site truly understand how you feel and how hard you are struggling right now.

    Is all together FAR too true. I think this is the case with my fiance. Every time I start cracking because he's overloaded me, he gets all pissy and it's like, really? Do you not realize how fragile I am (speaking of myself), in that, I've been so strong for so long and he was SO scared when he nearly did lose me but how quickly they forget just how fast we (well, me) will turn right back to that kind of thinking when we (I) get tired.

    The mask, yes, the mask. Sometimes it just slips right back into place and I don't even realize it. And people are all like, well just go carry yo'self on then, it's your life...but when you're so damn tired you just want to lay down and die, FIND the gun, PULL the trigger, SWALLOW the pills (I apologize, I'm not trying to trigger anyone, this is just where I'm at right now, mostly swallow the pills as I'm afraid of using a gun, to be quite frank-then my idiot fiance had the nerve to tell me that overdosing was a cowardly way to go and using a gun was the only "respected" way to "off yourself" -again, I apologize if this is a trigger, I was so freaking mad that I was about ready to show him that I was indeed NOT a coward but I have a beardie and can't abandon him. He's my baby.)

    I have a therapist...but by law she is required to call the authorities if I call her and tell her I'm thinking about hurting myself. I've been to the psych ward. I don't get help there. You become a number, a statistic, they pump you full of pills you cannot tolerate (been there, done that), and the doctors all give you (and each other) that knowing look like, "poor dear,"...I had a doctor actually tell me with my history, he was surprised I wasn't already dead OR institutionalized.

    Nice.

    I'm glad I'm here. Your response to my post made me cry (not in a bad way.) You don't know me from adam but it finally feels like someone understands.

    What I really want to hear is from my FIANCE is, "I want you to live, for me, for the kids." (Lame, I know.) I should live for *myself*. I just want someone to say, hey, R2L, I need you here for me. I *want* a reason to live. My lizards need me, my cat needs me. My mom says she needs me (I know this is all SO codependent, but it's not me saying hey I do so much for these people now love me or else...).

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want the people that mean the most to me - I want to mean something to them.

    I probably am not making any sense. This has been this way my whole life. Bait-and-switch, bait-and-switch. I give my all to someone only to have them use me under the guise of them promising to take care of me (while I'm still holding my own down, job, etc. I don't EVER "depend" fully on anyone else. I never have. I've never fully "rested." if that makes sense.)

    Maybe I should.

    And then I get tired, and sad, and withdrawn and because I'm not Miss Mary Fucking Sunshine nobody knows what to do with me. That's when I start leaning towards checking out.

    I was in an intensive group therapy for about six weeks and formed a REAL strong alliance with my group even after we all phased out - but I'm 350 miles away from them now. I go into town once a week to see them and keep in touch...nothing ever seems to be enough, nothing ever seems to make me really happy, and when I AM happy, I'm afraid to BE happy because the fucking rug (pardon my french, is it OK to swear? I'll have to read over the rules again.) will get yanked out from under me, again.

    I'm tired of people being so...mean and cold. (people being the fiance. Is it because they get scared when the mask slips off?)

    I'm tired of everyone dumping their responsibilities on me. How do I push back without them being such jerks about it?

    (Can you say R2L is a people pleaser? I hate that about myself. I hate myself, period.)

    I can't think of a time in my life I DIDN'T want to die at some point. Where I just wanted to live. But it always comes to what if. I pray a lot, even though I'm not Christian - last night I prayed for a heart attack so I wouldn't have to do it myself.

    That's terrible, isn't it.

    I was mad when I woke up in ICU. My therapist asked me if there was any kind of "near death experience" and I said, no, just like I was asleep.

    I'm lonely. I hurt. People don't understand. They just think I'm crazy. I'm rambling. I keep hoping for some kind of miracle - something that will show me my "purpose." People tell me it's my fiance's small kids - I'm here to right the wrongs that were done to me; apparently their mom is a piece of work (then again, there are two sides to every story, right?) but my thinking is, they are small enough, they would forget me. How does that Blink 182 song go?

    Another six months I'll be unknown.

    How do you fight to stay alive when the fight is leaving you?
     
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    the above really struck me, why don't you tell him that you need him to tell you that? maybe write him a letter? It's not lame at all to want to be needed. I think you deserve to be told that you are loved, and wanted and you have a purpose in their life. Everyone needs that.

    children never forget, I remember a lot of things when I was 3 years old so...if you had an impact on them, they'll remember. We don't know how we impact on others, if we knew we'd be very surprised a lot. I still get surprises on people I didn't think even knew who I was so...

    wish I could give you a hug *hugs the computer* hang in there
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Glad to see your reply. You can talk freely here. You are anonymous so no one is going to run and call authorities. You can let your feelings out in a place where others completely understand what you are saying. You can't however talk about methods, you don't want to harm another member by sharing those kinds of details. So I hope you feel like you found a place that you feel good about being at. Keep posting as well as reading some of the other threads and posts. I think the site will really help you.
     
  6. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    Life is lifes excuse.
    Theres no rhyme nor reason.
    The world is a vicious unkind place.
    But look at the beauty, you were formed in stars, in supernovae, you are stardust that has become self aware. To quote sagan, you are the universes way of knowing itself.
    Every atom of your body is a lifeless element, yet combined you can look in awe and appreciate the universe.
    Most of lifes problems are trivial, we ourselves are trivial.
    This does not belittle the gift of life however, life is about two things in my eyes, experience and memory.
    When im on my deathbed all i will have is experience and memory, they will be my gift to my son.
    There is no inherent purpose, so we have to create one ourselves, one which makes us happy.
    If you want a distraction, read. Reading is to be in the mind of another person, often into worlds different to our own. Reading can give you heroes, role models, pleasure, pain and above all, remove you temporarily from your problems.
    Try something new each day.
    Make yourself a goal, a big goal, that seems improbable.....then take one tiny step towards it each day! the tiny steps accumulate and before you know it, you will have achieved it!
     
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