what's wrong? i don't know

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Starlite, Mar 17, 2009.

  1. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    stopped my treatment yesterday! pushing everyone away! taking too many pills nightly jsut so i don't feel, which makes me constantly tired! Also self harming on a daily basis...yeah that's me.. whine whine whine, i know, but ffs, my mind won't flip over to the good side of things! What the hell is wrong with me? I want so much to laugh, to joke around, to help other people, to be there just to talk to my friends, but shit, it seems my mind is stuck in this stupid pattern!!!!!!!

    I have one very very good friend online who i talk to all the time..he is the one who keeps me going the majority of the time..i would have died if not for him , i knwo it..but i know in my deepest heart of hearts, i will end up pushing him away...ive told him this, but he says he wouldn't abandon me...so whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do i keep this thought pattern up!!!!!!??????

    All my issues are consuming me, my every waking moment!!! i just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    *hugs Karren*
  3. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    i push people away all the time, been doing that for year..
    i think its because im too afraid of hurting people.. plus if i do that i'll end up alone and than i can tell myself that im useless and that noone wants me around while in fact im just pushing them away to protect them from being hurt by me and them from hurting me.. and its just stupid because they are the onces that love me and and are so willing to help.. and they may be my way out of this misery..

    maybe i like being alone and feeling like this. its the only feeling ive known. I guess im just scared for get out of this depression, it has kept me company for so many years, i dont know any better. But somewhere deep down inside i know there is more to life..

  4. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    ty , hugs back
  5. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    sorry you feel this way beautiful disaster.