What's wrong with me, I'm normal ...?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Doog, Jul 5, 2014.

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  1. Doog

    Doog New Member

    Ok so I'm 41. I am a really normal guy. There's a pic of me at the bottom of this post.

    I've got a great job. Seemingly lots of friends. I'm always happy. I go running, I go to the gym, I play football. When I go out I have a great time. Everyone thinks I'm just very happy and stable, and I always have been.

    In February my wife and I separated after 7 years married. Now we're divorcing. It's amicable, we're not against each other. We had a miscarriage in Dec 2012 and all of 2013 has been us drifting apart. We have one son, 6, whom I love with every atom of my body, and his brother, 8, is from her previous marriage is also 'my' son as we met when he was just 6 months old.

    She's found someone new already back in March (!) (wow, so soon) but I'm ok with that because we can't be together. Neither she nor I want it.

    I met someone a few weeks ago. I felt so lucky, she was perfect. it was amazing we both really hit it off and it was all going great until she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. The only words she left out were 'with you' and 'ever'. She hasn't spoken to me since. I think this has plunged me into despair. I had a few unsuccessful dates before that and I just feel so lonely. It's like life said to me: Here's the best feeling in the world ..... And then said ..... But now here's the worst. BAM.

    So this isn't just me suffering from Dumpsville... This is me sad that my marriage failed, sad that I am not with my boys every day (esp my own son), sad that they're gradually getting a new dad, sad that my best friends moved away ... One to Melbourne Australia, the other to start his new life with his pregnant wife. All my other friends, are my ex-wife's and our friends, couples, with kids, and I just can't see them any more. It's weird. And all the friends I go out with are work related and they quite simply don't know me. And on top of that I met someone and, well I'm very sensitive and loving, too much so, so to top it off, bizarre as it may sound I've just had my heart partially broken again while I was repairing it. I can't see what my life can offer me.

    One of my friends texted me on Thu night 'we're out for a drink, come out' I replied 'Sorry I'm at home wallowing in depression' ... Her reply "ok". She's not a friend! If I was actually on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, that response would have tipped the balance. Luckily I was moping on my bed.

    But .... Hey .... I keep fit, I run, I play football, I go to the gym, I read, I love to laugh ... So why am I very very sad. I think depressed. I'm sure of it. Whether it's now setting in, or just a dip in my otherwise stable, happy personality ... Who knows BUT I'm taking steps in the wrong direction.

    I keep crying. (I have no idea why). I cried after facetime with my boys the other day. I held it in at work all day, then when the last person left the office he said 'not coming for a drink?' .. I burbled a reply, or shook my head... 'Youve been quiet today are you ok?' he said ... I nodded and as he said bye and the door closed I just burst into tears. I've no idea what's wrong with me.

    I keep having suicidal thoughts ... I'm sure you know the ones: no-one will care if I'm not here any more, no-one will notice if I'm not here, the people closest to me will be sad but get over me, it's better for me and everyone if I'm just not here ... Etc

    And then I think of different ways of doing it. My office block is 10 floors up. It wouldn't be too difficult.

    I even made a statement today at work in the office, I said "Just to let everyone know, I think I may be clinically depressed - how tough is this window?". And then I dialled into a conference call I was due to be on.

    One person looked up and considered what I said. I saw him out the corner of my eye. Everyone else just thought I was joking because one of my projects was being problematic ... And I'm ALWAYS so happy.

    I am crying out for help ... People aren't seeing the signs. Can I be any more obvious ??????????? I don't want to speak to Samaritans or talk lines. I don't want to see a doctor. I'm depressed, it's not what you want to do when you feel like this, after a certain point, right ? Well I don't anyway. Even typing it, logically I can see I'm recognising all the signs but it's meaningless to me. I mean ... I did sprints at the gym today after work, I then did weights ... This is self improvement !!! But then while I was getting changed .... Suicide thoughts again.... I know it doesn't make sense, if you've read this far you probably have better idea of how mixed up I am then me... Again, logically I can see all this happening, I'm not ready to jump off an office block yet, but I'm certainly heading down that path ... Maybe I'll get there, maybe I won't. I assume this is the cry for help stage.

    I deactivated facebook an hour ago, so I've cut myself off from people .... Although I didn't delete facebook .... Yet ....then I google suicide sites, and found some, then I found my way here.

    I'm just so sad. This is me last Saturday in Berlin. (before Dumpsville added to my woes). Below that is two pics of my wife(ex) and me in happier times. And below that, me at the gym after my sprint session today. Why would I be depressed, look at me ... I'm not that much of a loser am I ?

    I think if I didn't have my son. I would be dead and in fact, if anything ever happened to him, I know I would kill myself. This is how fragile I feel right now.

    <mod edit - personal pics not allowed to protect anonymity>
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello I am glad you found your way here, you know is etching perhaps a sad fact but what you are feeling is normal you are a normal guy who has been through a tough time. Stats say 1 in six of us will suffer suicidal thoughts men being the most likely too.

    Sucks I know and I know it is little comfort, but what I am saying is you are not alone you can be okay and yes you reached out but you need to reach out to those who can help, doctors therapists. Those who know what can help you feel better, and yes believe me you can get better and start to enjoy life again. People don't tend to see the signs sadly, mostly in hindsight so do what you can to help yourself.

    Even calling a helpline and venting how you feel or on here can help, if you needed some numbers please feel free to say which country you're in or pm me, there's also a list of crisis numbers on the forum. But please trust me when I say, you can start to feel you again and this can pass.

    Please take care of you

  3. islandification

    islandification Well-Known Member

    I would urge you to see a doctor or therapist and not talk so much to people you work with about suicidal thoughts. People take things wrong, gossip or get frightened, and you could be hurting your future in your career. Even those that mean well can't help you very much.

    Loneliness after the breakup may have caused you to rush things with the women you met, especially seeing your wife with "someone new".

    In the short term life seems miserable, and may be for a while, but in the long run you have good health, a son you love, a good job and lots of time left to enjoy these things.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You're grieving.
    Even if the split was amicable, still you have lost a part of your life and you need the time to grieve over it.
    A new relationship isn't really going to solve anything at this point, it just kind of papers over the cracks.
    Your GP can help with the depression and maybe a holiday away for a few days to give you time to be sad and cry if you want.
  5. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    look mate, I don't mean to be harsh, but snap out of it cause this is war. Do you not know you are at war? We are appointed sorrow for this, feeling sorry for ourselves is laughable when you consider what is at stake, and what opportunities do exist. Do not be decieved. There is people out there that NEED you, not the other way around. Don't live for yourself or you will feel like dieing. Do not chase happiness through the world, do not seek pleasure of the world, it is vanity! Do not put women or a relationship above everything else, you will lose. Your focus should be on who you are as a person, inside your heart that is what matters. Does it help me or anyone else, that you are full of sorrow? Who does it assist? Who may like you or remember you for it? Is it impressive? Even if every wish you ever had came true, would you still not fall short considering you do not WANT to be ok? If you want to be ok, fight for it. No amount of therapy or counseling or medication is going to give you advice like this. You are lucky, many people don't get to hear this. The key and way out of this is a true desire to live a loving and productive life, nothing less. We all have the same fate, death! Live for the moment and make sure on your last dieing breath you have some memories and labours which you can enjoy and feel good about inside yourself, so you may not be ashamed. No matter how bad your life, there is no integrity or profit in seeking self pity! Justice prevails, seek to be joyful in your heart. That is all.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2014
  6. nessa456

    nessa456 Active Member

    I think when a person has various knocks in life it can affect their brain chemistry in a negative way and this can lead to depression. Some people can pull themselves out of it but in my opinion this is more to do with having robust brain chemistry. People with weaker brain chemistry will struggle when the sadness gets beyond a certain point and these people benefit more from anti-depressants to lift their mood so that they can carry on in a more positive frame of mind. I would see your doctor and tell him/her exactly how you feel.
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