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Whats wrong with me v_v

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Trance, May 23, 2010.

  1. Trance

    Trance Well-Known Member

    I think i might have dependent personality disorder. I cant do anything on my own. I'm like a big baby. I depend on my ex and my father for my survival. I'm 18 and i still cant do a thing on my own.

    All we ever do is argue, and I'm always wrong. He says that of course i think that because I'm sick, but it doesn't make any sense. How can everything i think be wrong? How can everything i say to him just be a way to deflect the blame off me?

    I'm suppose to be starting school (college) in the fall but I'm already depressed and anxious just thinking about it. We just moved to Arizona. I have no one. No one to walk me up to that school and help me sign up and drop me off at my first class on the very first day like a child enrolling in kindergarten.

    I don't want to have to meet all those annoying people. I hate seeing them looking at me. I feel that they are always judging me, and who can blame them. Look at the tall, awkward kid, who looks complete uncomfortable sitting all by herself trying to pretend that she isn't bothered that shes all alone.

    Why do some people not mind if they are alone and it seems to kill me?

    I'm so confused, and honestly i don't think i have it in me to spend years in therapy trying to fix the mess that's my life. No even therapy can kill memories of abuse and pain. I just want to die. I want that sweet relief of nothingness for once.
  2. Pow

    Pow Well-Known Member

    I guess it's normal to feel anxious about starting at a new college. Look on the positive side that you get to start all new and you could meet some amazing people while your at it.
    I knew how it feels to be the kid thats always alone but when I eventually made some friends, I seem to like being alone much more. I guess fitting in never was my thing. Not saying I was fine with it cause it killed me every second to know that I was the odd one out but now I come to terms with it.
    It seems your looking for a friend to understand you and that is why college may be the beggining of a new start.
    Just hold on and give it a try. Good luck :hug:
  3. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Going to a new school of any kind is great! It's a chance to try new things; it's an environment filled with people who didn't know you as 'the awkward tall kid' < you can completely start over if you want to.

    In highschool, I lived on the bad side of town; people called me dirty and poor, started SO many rumors about me- picked on me night and day. I had some 'friends', yes. All of the other awkward kids who got picked on. lol

    In college; on my very first day- I was SOOOO nervous!
    I sat down in a row all by myself and 3 minutes later a guy sat beside me... by the time lecture had ended, all of the seats were full around me and somehow- everyone looked at me and talked with me like a normal person. I was shocked!
    I was only able to go to college for 3/4 of a year because money ran out and I had to get a fulltime job, or get booted out onto the street... so- shit happens. But I loved going to college.

    I think you'll find alot more people are mature and open. It's not like highschool in that respect... everyone is more grown up.
    You just have to be open as well- and don't be afraid of everyone, because on the first day--- they are also afraid and nervous too.

    As for being dependent... I am that way too. Still. 22 and I can't do anything without asking my mommy to do it for me. 22, and I can't gain an ounce of strength to leave my bedroom and try being a normal person without my Ex there to hold my hand and give me courage.
    There's a time you have to learn- when you need to break away, or you'll be left with no one anyways and you'll be stuck like me.
  4. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Like Pow said, College is a good place to try to make some friends. It's not like high school where you're just forced to go there and be stuck with people you don't like all the time. At college you are going there to learn about something specific you're interested in and there are others going for the same thing. So, you could meet people who share your major and/or join a club or two that sounds interesting and try to gradually branch out. I understand so much of what you said because I struggled with the same dependent/anxiety personality for so long. But what worked for me was to make myself do things which were uncomfortable and eventually they weren't such a big deal anymore. I really hope it works out for you... you have a great opportunity in front of you. College can be a fresh start. I wish you the best and if you need anyone to talk to for support, feel free to PM me. :)