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Whats wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cam1995, Dec 7, 2013.

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  1. cam1995

    cam1995 New Member

    I could write for hours about this, but I will just keep it at a basic summary. I am 18 and turning 19 in January and I am a 10th grader.
    Before I get to the mental issues, I want to mention the school stuff. I dropped out in 2010 due to the work being way too hard. It still is. I just started here and already have no idea what I am doing. My brain is constantly clouded and it is very hard for me to focus. I break out of my mind and stare off into space during class. Most of that caused me to drop out of school originally. Now, to the mental issues.
    Most of this started in 2010, when my irresponsible and mentally abusive father let me leave school and stay home for 3 years. My mental problems started with a combination of his mental abuse and him allowing us to do whatever. When I was 16 I first had sex and kept doing so dangerously, I did drugs and smokes Marijuana. I finally got back into school this year, and met some cool people and everyone is nice. It turns out that I also know some people here, like Tyler and Travis, who I was friends with long ago, Cameron and his sister are my cousins by marriage (My uncle troy married their mother), and Jesse who I had gone to school with back in Michigan Center.
    That bit slightly raised my very poor self esteem just a bit. But I still have other issues. I am a sociopath, and I constantly lie, manipulate and do other mentally cruel things unintentionally. I am a psychopath and I constantly think about hurting myself and doing other bad things. I was suicidal and still am. I just feel that my life is pointless and won’t lead anywhere, and I feel that people try to avoid me. Yes, I have some friends here and back in Springport, but many try to avoid me for some reason. (Bad Luck?). Back in November 2012 I was hospitalized because my gal bladder exploded and severely infected almost all of my insides in my upper chest. The doctor said I was very close to death and it was caught just in time right before It could've been fatal. I wish I would of died then so I did not have to deal with my mental state and pathetic life, but I did not. Alot of people who have a near death experience like this try to embrace life later, but not me. I got colder and my personality hardened. I just keep wanting to die. My life is meaningless, my life won’t go anywhere, I won’t graduate high school due to the poor education system that requires next to impossible mathematics courses, and my mind is going crazy.
    Apart from those, I still have just a couple more issues. I have Anxiety Issues and sometimes (At least once a day), I get Anxiety Attacks. When at school I pretend to go to the restroom only to freak out there, or at home I excuse myself to my room and freak out in there. I have no idea why. When I have them I can barely think, get really scared and can hardly breath. Why does this happen? As I said, I have no Idea why.
    I have sexuality issues. I am closeted bi-sexual. Nobody knows about it, except that my father and step brother have always suspected it, and my brother Daren is the only one to know because I told him. I have dated girls and boys before, and recently got out of a year long relationship with a guy. I dont see why that matters, but I put it anyways because I need help there too.

    I am very close to the edge, and simply just want to die. What should I do? I have been considering talking to the school counceler, but in past experiences I have no idea if I should trust someone from a school.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2013
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    Sorry to hear about your troubles, I hope you found that posting helped ease some of the burden. I'm no doctor but I very much doubt you are a sociopath/psychopath. These people would not recognise it and even if they did they certainly don't care about how they hurt people or the consequences and these people do not feel guilt or remorse, but it seems like you do care about how you are viewed and the consequences. It's evident that your father's abuse has left you anxious and depressed, which can also make us do things we may not be proud of but that doesn't make you a sociopath. I would say that seeing a school counsellor is a good idea because it does help to talk about things, but if you feel like you can't you could always see a doctor or arrange to see a therapist.
  3. dreamtolive

    dreamtolive Member

    Hi, I'm 18 and I am phycotic and suffer from anxiety, depression, and was recently diagnosed with being bipolar. I too wonder what the meaning and point of life is many times. I too am suffering, but I think that there is a great deal that I can do to help. I suffer from really bad anxiety attacks and many times I have to leave class as well.
  4. cam1995

    cam1995 New Member

    With me nobody knows that I have the attacks. I cover them up by asking to use the restroom at school, or randomly excusing myself at home.
    Eventually I feel I need to tell someone about this at home, but just cant find the chance to do so.
  5. dreamtolive

    dreamtolive Member

    You can always get medicine to help. For me I had to learn how to deal them. It took me years and I can't always do it, I try to do some deep breathing, think about how the attacks will eventually go away, and that one day life will be great. I don't like to take medicine because it makes me super tired, but I take it if I have to. How long have you been having them? What are they like for you?
  6. cam1995

    cam1995 New Member

    Well, I could take the meds, but then I would need to get my parents to get them. I don't exactly want them to know any of this.
    But don't worry, I wont be a problem much longer.
  7. dreamtolive

    dreamtolive Member

    Your 18, can't you get them yourself? And your not a problem, you might have one, but it's solvable. Are there things that you enjoy doing?
  8. cam1995

    cam1995 New Member

    As another other guy my age I guess I like videogames, but that rarely makes me happy anymore.
  9. dreamtolive

    dreamtolive Member

    Right now it is very difficult for me to find things that I enjoy, but I know that if I keep going through the motions one day it will all be worth it. Are there things that you live for or want to accomplish in life? For me I keep looking toward the future because dwelling on the past is not good and the present isn't that great either. Sometimes I get myself to do things my telling myself that they just have to get done and that I just have to get through it. I feel like I am working toward something great and right now I am just in the crappy part.
  10. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    All I can say is I know how it feels to drop out of high school because I, too, dropped out when I was a senior. The work wasn't difficult. Just...it would take too long to explain, but I just had an emotional and mental breakdown. If you ever need to talk about it, send me a PM. Not sure what I can really tell you to help you feel better since I've all but given up on life. Circumstances have forced me to keep living (it's literally impossible for me to end the nightmare I'm in because I'm under constant surveillance by family) but someday soon....I hope things get better for you<3
  11. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Hey guys im bipolar/psychopath meds don't erase the problem but they do make it bareable. You should tell yor family and friends you need help its good to have a support system its nothing to be ashamed of. getting involved with docs is also good the can advise you in copeing techniques. I also have anxiety attacks, now as a semi pro boxer/gym freak shaking and crying uncontrollably whilst trying to breathe is not a good look. but once you tell people they do get less frequent some how. Open up, get help, get living
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