So in college, I have a new awareness. Guys like me. They're so overt about it that I can't pass it off as friendship and people are very direct in college. It freaks me out so I shut them down one by one. I don't want to be alone forever, I just don't know how to deal with it. I liked it better when all of my friends were girls. There was much less drama, stereotypes be damned. I think I've made maybe one new guy friend that isn't gay and isn't into me or at least pretending to be into me. I've gotten pretty mean about it too, even though I don't mean to. In theory, the prospect of a relationship sounds nice but I'm a wreck with a lot of baggage and I don't want to risk getting attached to someone that figures out he doesn't want to sort through it. The prospect of sex sounds great but it sends me into a panic at the same time. So I've decided to continue along the path of celibacy but others aren't getting the memo as quickly as in high school. I don't want to lose control. I don't want to be the person more emotionally invested because I've had my heart ripped out and stomped on by my parents enough to let someone else do it. Maybe I'll fall in love but it's not going to happen now. I don't think so anyway. People don't plan for these things, do they?