What's wrong with me?!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cvb2377, May 9, 2016.

  1. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I feel like shit today, I'm crying and I just want to die. I hate my personality and no amount of medication will change that and I realize that now. I see commercials on the television with sad and lonely people but after they take this certain pill they feel happy and it's like a total personality change from society awkward weirdo to happy go lucky successful woman. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I went into therapy and started taking medicine thinking I'd be a brand new me, but the truth is I've always been like this. There was no happier cooler version or myself that all of a sudden got taken over by sadness and anxiety. I don't know how to be anything but a failure. I thought medicine would make me the person I always wanted and dreamed of being but I know that's not real and out of all the things in life that scare me, this realization scares me the most.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Has therapy helped you at all? Sometimes that can help build confidence, teach you how to believe in yourself.
  3. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    They tell me I'm sick and there's no cure for my mental illnesses. After I heard that I broke down and cried right in front of my therapist. I thought I could be cured but he told be I couldn't be and hopefully taking medicine will suppress it. I thought one day I wouldn't have to swallow pills every day and that I wouldn't need to see a therapist twice a month. I was hopeful that a could be bubbly and a people person but he crushed my dreams and I don't know what to think
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really think you should consider finding a new therapist.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I saddened by your pain but your therapist is suppose to help YOU and not to have the opposite affect. The medication you are taking usually kicks in about six weeks. That was the case for me so if it early days then please wait for medication to kick in.

    The therapist is wrong in making you breakdown unless he helped you to calm down. Please go and this therapist and ask tell him that you want to see another person. At the end of the day, you are important person here and not him. You are young and you have the whole of your life in front of YOU.

    You are a fellow human being who is suffering in pain and we will do our best to help you move on in your life. Please keep posting here for the support we can offer YOU.
  6. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I've been in this medicine for 3 months now and all they do is increase my dose whenever I tell them anything really depressing. I feel like medicine doesn't help because it may reduce my suicidal thoughts, I'll never be able to change who I am. My personality is mainly what I wanna change. My loser, boring self.
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Ok, I must stress you suffering from low self-esteem issues and YOU ARE NOT A LOSER OR ANYTHING ELSE. Have you tried doing something that will help YOU with your esteem issues. Things can be turned around but it's about helping yourself move forward. Do you have friends who can support you or spend time with you in your darkest hour? Have you considered volunteering somewhere which can be rewarding and help you gain confidence in yourself?

    Please keep posting and I will try to give more advice as it ease the pain from within.
  8. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I don't have any friends, I don't know anyone outside my family. I'm pretty much stuck at home since I don't drive. It's hard to have self esteem when your the biggest fuck up in the entire family (my mothers words not mine)
  9. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Wrong. Let's start with me. I'm your friend now. I busy but I will help you move forward with life. Please email me on this forum. Why don't you start by learning to drive and you deserve a sense of freedom. YOUR MOTHER IS WRONG. Using bullying and demeaning tactics to mentally abuse you.

    Keep posting here. I promise to HELP YOU. Take care my friend.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your mom and my mom should share a house together because they are borth alike lol How old are you may I ask? I am the biggest screw up in my family and I don't drive and live in a village , it's humiliating but you can better yourself, try and save money for driving lessons, is that an option? I would too but because of the amount of medication I am on I would be unfit to drive right now. You're not a loser, life is not a race. You can still be who you dream to be. What would you like to do if you could do anything to make things better (reasonably)?
  11. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Self esteem is a tricky thing - and no, you can't get it from medication (and you can't even get it from therapy, though therapy can give you the tools you need to go out and do the things that will help your self esteem). There isn't a magic wand and maybe you will have to take a pill every day to keep the "blackness" at bay - but that isn't any different than the people who have to take a pill every day for blood pressure, or take insulin every day for diabetes etc - its just a pill, its not a comment on who you are. So I think that the first thing you need to come to terms with is that you have a mental illness and just like a massive number of "physical" illnesses, it may be there forever. It doesn't mean you can't have a better life and feel better about yourself, however.

    I don't know how old you are - but you need to look at getting a job and getting some independence. Anyone would feel like crap sitting in a house all day and doing nothing - that isn't the way to start to feel better about yourself, and the longer you are away from people, the more your social skills will erode. Get out - get a job - volunteer - be around people, and eventually your social skills will improve (assuming you WANT to improve them and you look at what other people do and try to emulate that, just as you would with anything you want to be good at). Social skills can be learned - ARE learned, all the time.

    Can you change your personality? No. And if your dream is to be a popular, bubbly, well liked person who finds everything easy (and who wouldn't dream of that?) the real truth is that you probably are never going to be that person - because that person doesn't exist. The people who aren't popular/bubbly/confident always think that it comes "easy" or "naturally" to the people that are, but the reality is that those people have also had to spend time learning it and half the time they feel awkward and embarrassed and self conscious too. The difference is they keep trying and keep learning and (maybe) don't have depression/mental illness lying to them as well.

    What I am trying to say is that medication and therapy isn't going to make it better - isn't going to make "you" different. But your personality is something that constantly evolves - if you let it. Staying at home and hoping for other people/thing (medication/therapy) to 'fix' you is not going to work - because it never works - not for anyone. I agree with Wildcherry you need a new therapist and you need to talk to your therapist about tools and strategies to work on yourself - on the things that hold you back. Just "talking" does not help. And you do need to get out of the house - you are stopping yourself from learning to be the person you want to be - from improving your life. You need to give yourself a chance.

    Good luck!
    Last edited: May 10, 2016
  12. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry your therapist made you feel that way, it is so wrong!

    (first of all, I don't mean this to offend at all hun) but maybe you do have a mental illness that can't be cured, a lot of mental illnesses or personality disorders can't, but they can be managed and helped through proper treatment and care, as well as a support system. It's a very 'bitter pill' to swallow, and yes, realizing it for myself made me hit rock bottom too. I am still clawing my way up and trying to manage with what I have.

    I know it's not easy. But no matter what, you need a therapist who understands you and is willing to help you.

    You shouldn't compare yourself to others, which I also know isn't an easy thing to change... but you are you. And that is okay!

    Maybe you need different meds, though I'm aware meds need time to work and kick in... but try to bring it up.

    Try to stay strong hun. I hope you find some support here on the forum or chat rooms, and know my inbox is always open
  13. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I've been trying to go out more and it helps I guess but I don't like staying out for to long and I never go out alone. I feel better when I'm out of the house with someone I trust like my cousin and she pushes me to talk to cashiers or whatever if I need help finding something. Things have gotten worst at home because I tried working and it didn't work out. I was slow at my job and I was stressed by the employees and customers, people are very angry and demanding. I never felt so suicidal and panicked in my life while I was working , it was to much to soon. I cant afford to get any extra therapy or medicine because I have no money. My therapist wants me to do these things but I need money to even get better! So it's a vicious cycle of needing to heal but you cant heal because you need money. But maybe I could try going somewhere on my own, like to the library by myself and test my bravery since it is walking distance and I love reading. I'll try starting out with that and maybe talking to the librarian if I can gather the courage, we'll see.
  14. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I'm 21 and what would I do if I could change things to make my life better? I would probably move to live with my oldest cousin because she's going to school to be a therapist and I feel like she understands me, but I can't because I'd just be a drain on her.
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I think if that is what would help you then it is worth a try, you ''feel'' you would be a drain on her but that's not factual, maybe ask if you can stay with her short term and see how that goes?