I can't deal with anything right now. Everyday I live in this world of mine that I hate and scares me so, no-one can understand it or me. I go day in and day out trying to appear ok, people don't understand the horrible life I live in. I think about death all the time, but I feel so trapped because of all the pain i'm in and the world I live in, the thoughts won't go away, the feelings won';t go away, the past won't leave me be. I'm broken and stompted into the dirt. My self image is awful. I hate myself so. I look at myself and it makes me sick, my face, my body. I feel so discusting, I try to hide the feelings, they make me feel like no-one could love me because of how I look, my feelings of self hatred are so deep. If I look at myself, I feel sick, I feel like cutting my face and body until there's nothing left of my grose self. I'm embarressed of myself, I don't like people seeing my body or face because I wonder, oh my god, can the see what I do? The iside of me is mangled and broken. Inside of me there are bits and peices of who I was before so much of me was stolen and broken by people. Inside me there is a lot of pain, a lot of a broken child in me that won't go away.. This child won't leave me be, this distorted scared child will always be in me, when I was a child and was raped and beaten and broken.. it's like that child never left me, there is me whoever I am now, and peices of the child who is crying out in pain and fear, she is scared, she wants to diew, she wants to be out of the pain. Who am I? what do I feel? I don't know who I am... I just exist in the pain I live in the abuse won't go away, the feelings won't go away, the hatred won't go away. It's like I have a body but there is not much of me, here's the pain, the feelings, the numbness, the past, but where am I? What am I? I don't know what all I feel but it drives me mad, i'm in crisis everyday and I have to pretend to be ok, I have to try and be silly and distract myself. I've always had to pretend to be ok, but i'm not ok, i'm not at all ok. I'm scared to go on, i'm scared to keep living this life, i'm scared to know what the future will bring, future has never brought me anything go, it's always been an extention of my pain, life goes on and on in pain. I hate myself and my body. No-one will ever stay with me, no-one will continue to love me, i'm a bad person, i'm a broken awful person, no-one deserves to have to live with me, i'm a body with nothing but pain trapped in it. I want to disappear to save people from what and who I am. I sit in my apt scared to peak out, scared to see people, scared to do anything. I sit here doing nothing but seeing my pain and others, I can't get myself to do anything. I sit here and wonder what the point of my existance is. I sit here wondering why life is life, what it means, why I should struggle the whole time through life in pain when I'll die anyway. What is life and what does it mean? Why am I here? my mother doesn't care she told me to kill myself if I want, my father doesn't care.. my family have done nothing my whole life but tell me how worthless, stupid and pointless I am and how i'm a bad person, i'm ugly, stupid.. how i'm a mistake to the world, how it'd be better for them if I was dead because I hold the shame of being abused, i'm mentally ill, i'm the flaw of the family. I want this to all go away, but I realise my actions are now effecting someone I love. I am trapped with the thoughts telling me it won't get better, telling me i'm worthless, telling me I need to die. The thoughts tell me to do it, they tell me it will be best for me and everyone else. The thoughts tell me that no-one cares, that I am causing nothing but damage to the world by existing. The thoughts won't leave me be. There's a part of me that wants to be with my love, then the thoughts tell me that he'll be so much better with me they say he only thinks he wants me but once I was gone he'd be so much better. The thoughts tell me constantly that I need to kill myself, over and over. Thet tell me it's my destiny, that people won't realise it'll be better i'm gone until after. I don't want to hurt anyone.. there's 2 sides the awful thoughts and me saying I don't want to hurt anyone but they keep telling me these things. After so long you wear down and start wondering if the thoughts are right if it really is true.