What's wrong with me?

[Rukia]

I'm supposed to be doing better, that's what I tell everyone. It's not that far from the truth, I've had some good times lately and I've realized that I can be happy some day. There's hope for me if I let myself get better. I've got my third appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow and it'll hopefully be more useful than the other two.

My problem is that I don't want to get better. I don't want the voices to shut up. They can do whatever they want with me, I don't really care. Death is on my mind most of the time, I know exactly how to do it. A part of me wants the appointment to be useless. I'm not going to lie to her, but I'll keep my mask on. I'm not sure if I can take if off anymore, I want people to think I'm doing better. No one can talk me out off my plan if they don't know that I'm feeling down.

What's wrong with me? I'm planning to kill myself, even though I'm getting better. Why am I still feeling like this? Am I losing my mind? :unsure:

 

[Spearmint]

You aren't losing your mind, hun. "I'm not going to lie to her, but I'll keep my mask on. I'm not sure if I can take if off anymore, I want people to think I'm doing better." I empathize with that so much, feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. :hug:

 

[Nessarose]

My problem is that I don't want to get better. I don't want the voices to shut up. They can do whatever they want with me, I don't really care. Death is on my mind most of the time, I know exactly how to do it. A part of me wants the appointment to be useless. I'm not going to lie to her, but I'll keep my mask on. I'm not sure if I can take if off anymore, I want people to think I'm doing better. No one can talk me out off my plan if they don't know that I'm feeling down.

I can identify with that so much. Babe, please, realize what a wonderful person you are. I've seen a lot of your posts around the forum and you are such a sweet, intelligent, caring person. I think the reason you don't want to get better is because of self-hate. I was that way for years, and I'm only just getting over it. I still resist the help I get sometimes, but I am doing better, and I have a genuine interest in getting better now. I hope things will change soon for you, hun. Take little steps toward loving yourself. Believe me, you deserve and need self-love in your life. I know it's change, and we as humans tend to resist change, but give it time. You should adjust soon. Please promise us you will take care of yourself. Make a list of the things you like about yourself, whether physical, intellectual, emotional, etc. or all of them. Focus on the positive, and believe me, there are many positive things about you to like about yourself. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

 

[ace]

Sweety the thing is I feel and know you want to get better but it's not hard,Once these negative feeling's take hold and other thing's it get's hard to stop this vicious cycle.I just want you to know that it's not you doing this,simple how do I know?because you don't want this to happen and if you could stop this you would like that.

The fact is you're doing a fantastic job in trying to change this,and you're making progress please write everything down you want to talk to the Psychiatrist about.

 

[Rukia]

Nessarose: You're right. I hate the person I've become, and I don't think there's a single thing I like about myself. :unsure:

I'm only getting help because my friends want me to. I've lived for them for a long time, and I get up every morning and live a normal life so they won't worry too much. My friends keep saying that I need to do this for me, live for me, but I don't think I'm worth it.

 

[Nessarose]

You *are* worth it. Please give yourself some credit. Believe me, I know how impossible it seems from your current mindset, but you are worth it. I honestly can't say how I've changed from loathing myself to beginning to like myself. I think it has been through other people's prayers for me, and I finally gave in, and said, all right, I'll give myself a chance. Ask your friends to give you lists on the ways you help them; how you've inspired them; etc. if you can't think of things to write right now. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers; you write beautifully, and I can identify so much with what you say. I hope you're feeling better soon. Heck, ask some of us here for lists. You've been an inspiration to me. You have a genuine concern for others, both here and in your life, and you have a strong will. You've made it this far, so keep going. Give it a try. :hug:

 

[Rukia]

Thank you :smile: Your post calmed me down a bit. My appointment did go well, but my mind is racing. I think I need to SH to make it stop. :dry:

 

[ace]

Damn I just realised I meant to say it's not easy,I hope you're feeling better sweety and want you to know I'm alway's here for you.

 

[Rukia]

I am losing my mind. Even the voices say that now, that they don't know me anymore, that I scared them yesterday. I can't believe it was yesterday, it seems like it's been weeks. :huh: Strange feeling, I want to die more than them. They've spoken out loud both yesterday and today, calling my name, asking me to calm down.

There's something really wrong going on in my head, and I know that I should be somewhere safe. I can't be trusted alone anymore. Maybe I should tell the psychiatrist this, but she'll probably say it's nothing. She thinks that as long as I know that my thoughts are crazy there's no problem. :dry: I know this is all in my head. I know the voices don't exist, I know no one can read my thoughts, I know cutting or SHing the other way won't help me and I know that none of my fantasies will ever be true. I know all these things now, but I don't know that when these things pops up in my head.

:unsure: Just had to get this out, don't know what's going on anymore.