whats wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by serivok, Oct 13, 2008.

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  1. serivok

    serivok Active Member

    yesterday i stepped in front of a moving car. i knew the cars were coming but i just stepped out into the street, i didn't even think about it. i really don't like what i'm becoming. am i going to have to do even more to keep from killing myself?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are feeling so awful...are you receiving help right now??? I hope you are able to protect yourself and keep yourself safe...all the best, J
  3. hey i have felt like that at times.. you just lose all sense of caring and danger.
    just sit there and take some deep breaths and think about what you want from life.
    do you have therapy?
  4. I call it my "off switch". When I think about things like that, I reason, I cope and I consciously decide it would be a bad idea. But there is like a switch I can flip in my head that turns all reasoning off and I can do anything ...

    ... I used to love it as it was an off switch for fear, hate, anger and more. But then, like you seem to have done, you've cleared your head and gone ahead and done something you regret.

    I'm sure you'll have already gone through your mind of all the innocent lives you would have ruined by your actions so I won't labour the point.

    I only found one way to put a lock on the off switch and I suggest you find yours. The switch will always be there, you just have to make reaching for it a non-option.
  5. serivok

    serivok Active Member

    thanks, no one close to me knows that i've been struggling with these feelings, but i thought about the damage i would have done to those around me if i had died and its shameful. how can you tell the people you care about that you want to end your life?
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Serivok,
    You have to sit them down and tell them this is serious so listen up because I am only going to say it once. My whole family, except neices and nephews have been told about my illness. At first they were concerned, but since it has been a couple of years since my last try they think it's all over with that I am o.k.
    Little do they know about the thoughts going thru my head. I am still highly suicidal but there isn't much I can do about it because my daughter and grandaughter live with me. I don't want them to walk in and find me dead. So it is on hold for now. The time will come, but right now I just have to sit back and wait.
    I still see my therapist and she helps me cope with the thoughts. When ever I bring up suicide she doesn't want to discuss it. She thinks I should be past that stage of my illness. I think she thinks everything with me is honkygorey. I have made some progress, like leaving my bedroom and going places I wouldn't normally go. I am usually good for a couple of hours then I have to go home and lock myself in my room.
    Sorry I got off the subject!! I guess I needed to vent also. Again I am sorry. But I still think you need that support of your family. Good Luck!!~Joseph~
  7. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    Hey there, welcome to SF.

    Glad you could tell us about how your feeling. Please don't get hit by a car hun, not only would it be awful for you, but for the driver of that car too.

    I've thought about things like that many times, my condition, Aspergers syndrome, is probably the most isolating of all the disabilities.

    I don't think you meant it as a suicidal action, but sometimes the worse we feel the less care we take in our everyday lives. I get to the point often where I really don't care if anything happens to me or not.

    You must find a way of telling those who are close to you. Even if it's just one of them to start with.
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