So many days over the last school year, I found myself with no motivation or desire to get out of bed (I missed so many classes) and no desire to go out or spend time with my friends like I used to, and I would just lie about schoolwork or being tired when asked about it. I spent increasing amounts of time alone. I even spent over half of my 6 week winter break in my apartment at school by myself. When people would ask me if I wanted to hang out, I made up some lie about why I couldn't. It the worst school year of my life. I don't know exactly when, but at some point I went from occasional moodiness and frequent self-consciousness to feeling downright worthless, hopeless, and unlovable. This summer, I feel like everything has just come crashing down. I've been away from home doing an internship, and it has been a stressful process, but not any more stressful than schoolwork. I feel like I started the summer in a bad place (I was particularly down before summer started) and from there it's just all been downhill. Multiple times this summer I've had periods of insomnia, where I would wake up after about an hour or so of sleeping, and be awake until early morning, only getting 3 or so hours of sleep. I've been crying a lot over the past month or so, before I go to sleep, when I wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes at work when I'm alone in my office, but I don't have anything to cry about. Over the past few weeks in particular I've been scaring myself. I think about death and ending my life frequently. I shut myself in my room and just cry. I just want to be alone, but I don't think I should be alone with my thoughts. I've found myself turning to diphenhydramine just because I don't want to be awake to think the terrible thoughts I have been thinking. I would just drink and then take four or so pills in attempt to just knock myself out for a while, not specifically intending to harm myself, but not caring if I ended up doing so. Then last weekend, I was particularly desperate and took 8 unisom gelcaps and then washed them down with about 3 of those capful doses of nyquil. I was extremely drowsy for a short amount of time, and then the drowsiness was replaced with extremely dilated pupils, dry mouth, blurry vision, rapid heartbeat, and uncontrollable shaking. Eventually I think I just became so wore out from all of the shaking that I fell asleep. I woke up three hours later. I should have been glad to be alive and in (relatively) good shape, but my first thought was "I should have taken 12." I have only told one person about this, a good friend of mine. I told him yesterday, I cried for the entire hour that he was with me and gave him any over the counter drugs that I could possibly harm myself with. I've been ridiculously tearful since and regretting that I told him and gave him my pills. I came across this website and figured it couldn't hurt to try to talk to people who have similar feelings. I don't know what to do now. I know I should probably talk to a doctor, but I don't know if I actually will. I'm terrified of other people finding out, especially my family. I don't want other people to see me as some kind of mental case or one of those people who just wants attention, and I enjoy my freedom and privacy, and I feel like both will disappear if my family finds out. What now?