What's wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Lost?, Jul 29, 2011.

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  1. Lost?

    Lost? Well-Known Member

    So many days over the last school year, I found myself with no motivation or desire to get out of bed (I missed so many classes) and no desire to go out or spend time with my friends like I used to, and I would just lie about schoolwork or being tired when asked about it. I spent increasing amounts of time alone. I even spent over half of my 6 week winter break in my apartment at school by myself. When people would ask me if I wanted to hang out, I made up some lie about why I couldn't. It the worst school year of my life. I don't know exactly when, but at some point I went from occasional moodiness and frequent self-consciousness to feeling downright worthless, hopeless, and unlovable.

    This summer, I feel like everything has just come crashing down. I've been away from home doing an internship, and it has been a stressful process, but not any more stressful than schoolwork. I feel like I started the summer in a bad place (I was particularly down before summer started) and from there it's just all been downhill. Multiple times this summer I've had periods of insomnia, where I would wake up after about an hour or so of sleeping, and be awake until early morning, only getting 3 or so hours of sleep. I've been crying a lot over the past month or so, before I go to sleep, when I wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes at work when I'm alone in my office, but I don't have anything to cry about.

    Over the past few weeks in particular I've been scaring myself. I think about death and ending my life frequently. I shut myself in my room and just cry. I just want to be alone, but I don't think I should be alone with my thoughts. I've found myself turning to diphenhydramine just because I don't want to be awake to think the terrible thoughts I have been thinking. I would just drink and then take four or so pills in attempt to just knock myself out for a while, not specifically intending to harm myself, but not caring if I ended up doing so. Then last weekend, I was particularly desperate and took 8 unisom gelcaps and then washed them down with about 3 of those capful doses of nyquil. I was extremely drowsy for a short amount of time, and then the drowsiness was replaced with extremely dilated pupils, dry mouth, blurry vision, rapid heartbeat, and uncontrollable shaking. Eventually I think I just became so wore out from all of the shaking that I fell asleep. I woke up three hours later. I should have been glad to be alive and in (relatively) good shape, but my first thought was "I should have taken 12."

    I have only told one person about this, a good friend of mine. I told him yesterday, I cried for the entire hour that he was with me and gave him any over the counter drugs that I could possibly harm myself with. I've been ridiculously tearful since and regretting that I told him and gave him my pills.

    I came across this website and figured it couldn't hurt to try to talk to people who have similar feelings.

    I don't know what to do now. I know I should probably talk to a doctor, but I don't know if I actually will. I'm terrified of other people finding out, especially my family. I don't want other people to see me as some kind of mental case or one of those people who just wants attention, and I enjoy my freedom and privacy, and I feel like both will disappear if my family finds out. What now?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are not a mental case okay you are depressed so call that doctor no need for parents to know and get on medication okay gp can prescribe them just do it okay get you back to feeling so much better.
  3. Lost?

    Lost? Well-Known Member

    I have an appointment on August 23rd with my doctor. I'm just worried that I'm going to get there and not tell her about this.
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Lost?,

    I hope your doctor agrees with what a few of my doctors agreed with in that they wanted my parents to not take away any of my privileges. Those doctors didn't want more things stressing me out and told my mom and dad to let me have my computer and phone back despite me feeling suicidal and depressed 247 and having had multiple hospital stays during those last few months (December-March last school year). My parents obliged.


    You are not someone who is just seeking attention, and I hope your parents will understand that you're in pain and seriously think about ending your life.

    I recommend that you be open with them (professionals) about your feelings. ;).

    All the best,

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