Hey there, don't know if anyone remembers me. Been here sometime though my posts are few and far between. I was in a really bad place about a half a year ago, honestly wasn't sure I would make it. I was suffering from alcoholism and severe depression (a result of many traumatic years of hardship). Anyhow I was able to pull myself up once again from the ashes (have done it before) but something has felt wrong all the time... On the surface there shouldn't be anything wrong. I finally have pretty much all the things I always dreamt about. I have the girlfriend of my dreams, a bunch of great friends, I'm studying something I love and I live in a great neighbourhood. Still I can't get rid of these demons in my head. Every waking minute is a nightmare. It feels like I've been beaten a few times too many and I can't really feel anything anymore. All the things I should be rejoycing about right now feel like bitter ashes in my mouth... I'm sitting alone at home for the first time in a few months and the first thing I did was get drunk and gamble several hundred bucks away on online gambling. I feel like total shit right now. For all the things I have accomplished so far I'm still completely worthless when it comes to self control. As soon as there isn't some primal force driving me I become totally passive and just sit there watching life pass by. I'm really afraid how long my girlfriend is going to tolerate that, she's the only thing that keeps me sane right now. I used to have hope that the future could bring better things but I'm starting to really despair now as I've found that none of the things I thought would bring me peace has helped me. Not even having the most awesome person in the world beside me. I'm really lost now... I feel guilty as hell for dragging her into this wretched pile of horse dung that is my life, she deserves so much better. Every day I try my best but there's always that little devilish voice inside me that won't leave me alone. I've gone through therapy, medicine, living healthy (excercise, good diet) and still I always return to this mental state. Sorry for the incoherent and rambling post, I can't really get a good grip even on my thoughts anymore. Just felt like I had to write something down (another great illusion of what could alleviate my pain). I won't lie that a big part of me feels suicidal, or atleast it's hoping and waiting for death to come. I wouldn't though do that to her ever, I will rather sit through satans personal torture. Still I can't deny that I'm hopelessly lost...Bah, no one probably cares about my insignificant problems so I'll shut up now.