What's wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Jul 30, 2012.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Hey there, don't know if anyone remembers me. Been here sometime though my posts are few and far between. I was in a really bad place about a half a year ago, honestly wasn't sure I would make it. I was suffering from alcoholism and severe depression (a result of many traumatic years of hardship). Anyhow I was able to pull myself up once again from the ashes (have done it before) but something has felt wrong all the time...

    On the surface there shouldn't be anything wrong. I finally have pretty much all the things I always dreamt about. I have the girlfriend of my dreams, a bunch of great friends, I'm studying something I love and I live in a great neighbourhood. Still I can't get rid of these demons in my head. Every waking minute is a nightmare. It feels like I've been beaten a few times too many and I can't really feel anything anymore. All the things I should be rejoycing about right now feel like bitter ashes in my mouth...

    I'm sitting alone at home for the first time in a few months and the first thing I did was get drunk and gamble several hundred bucks away on online gambling. I feel like total shit right now. For all the things I have accomplished so far I'm still completely worthless when it comes to self control. As soon as there isn't some primal force driving me I become totally passive and just sit there watching life pass by.

    I'm really afraid how long my girlfriend is going to tolerate that, she's the only thing that keeps me sane right now.

    I used to have hope that the future could bring better things but I'm starting to really despair now as I've found that none of the things I thought would bring me peace has helped me. Not even having the most awesome person in the world beside me.

    I'm really lost now... I feel guilty as hell for dragging her into this wretched pile of horse dung that is my life, she deserves so much better. Every day I try my best but there's always that little devilish voice inside me that won't leave me alone. I've gone through therapy, medicine, living healthy (excercise, good diet) and still I always return to this mental state.

    Sorry for the incoherent and rambling post, I can't really get a good grip even on my thoughts anymore. Just felt like I had to write something down (another great illusion of what could alleviate my pain). I won't lie that a big part of me feels suicidal, or atleast it's hoping and waiting for death to come. I wouldn't though do that to her ever, I will rather sit through satans personal torture. Still I can't deny that I'm hopelessly lost...Bah, no one probably cares about my insignificant problems so I'll shut up now.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    People do care and your problems are not insignificant. Your biggest problems seem to be remorse over past mistakes and occasional regression into self self destructive behaviors. I do not know if you can learn self control or impulse control but i am certain you know that drinking alcohol makes it 10x worse. Sn not buy it and do not keep it in your house would be my best advice. Son't put yourself in triggering situations- if that trigger for you is alone time then instead of staying alone go for a walk in the park, walk around the mall, call a friend to hang out with, try an AA meeting, but just do not put yourself in the situation that causes you problems. Tomorrow todays bad decisions will once again be a thing of the past and go on enjoying the fruits of your hard efforts and put more time and distance between you and your demons.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. Lost87

    Lost87 New Member

    i have to say i know how you feel, i joined the forum today in hopes that i could find some answers to my issues but i'm not comfortable yet. i do understand the feelings of the darkness inside you, and drowning it with alcohol does not help, and i repeat alcohol does not help at all, i to tried anti depressants and anxiety pills but i ended up mixing them daily with alcohol and that lead down a dark road, suicide is never an option.ive always felt like i had my ups and downs. i could have a up for months then a down for two. but always remember that things will always have a way of working themselves out you just need to battle that ever ending struggle. i hope the best for you and you must know your ramble to some is very important mainly because it makes us realise we are not alone in the struggle and with others to talk to who can truly understand how we feel maybe we have a chance. your girlfriend will stick by you through your good and your bad times just so you know, if she truly loves you. dont worry and try and keep your head high. if you need to talk theres people here.

    Calvin.
     
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