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What's your type?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Aerial, Sep 25, 2009.

  1. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I'm not obese but I've got a little extra. Plump. In the past, I dated men who always wanted very thin women. I've never been thin. I know I've got problems with compulsive eating and I'm still trying to lose weight. It's all in my head.

    I thought recently though that maybe when the time is right, I should look for someone who likes women with a little extra? Why make my life harder by continuing to seek out men who don't hold my looks as ideal. There are men who enjoy a larger build on women.

    This changes what I look for in a guy when I give this further thought. I don't have a very hardwired preference for athletic men. If a guy is athletic, great, if he is husky or large, it's all good. I won't pretend to go for looks, but I base attraction more on the guy's face and build rather than size. Oh and hair. I'm a sucker for nice hair.

    What's your type? Would you consider dating someone who goes specifically for your type of look rather than trying to change yourself to conform?
  2. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Definitely, I think dating someone who specifically goes for your type of look is the best way to go about it. If I'm not comfortable with the way I look I don't even leave the house, although that's not as big a hassle as it could be (thanks evolution). If you're comfortable with how you look then good for you, wouldn't you want someone like-minded to spend your time with anyway? If you have to change to win somebody's heart then that's a heart that could be taken away at any moment and probably will be sometime in the future. There's always going to be people who can do some things better than you and that includes pretending. The only thing nobody can beat you at is being you so I'd say that's a good place to start.

    Of course, that only applies if you really are comfortable with yourself. If you're just telling yourself that because you don't think you have it in you to become what you could be, that's another story.
  3. IDKwhatIwant

    IDKwhatIwant Well-Known Member

    i like shy women. theyre polite, clean, normally funny and easy to get along with, interesting experiences, and general common sense. im pretty shy, so i guess i like others, for what i like about myself.
  4. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    I like women who have a good sense of humor first and foremost, have a handle on their emotional issues, and will be active and have a healthy lifestyle like what i am currently adopting.
  5. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    :arms: Long black hair and skinny :arms:

    :rose: :lips: Eyes :lips: :rose:


    Man who can not hit animals. Who can not hit woman. Who can talk things through. Who honor nature and make his actions consider consequences.

    :love: my imagination man

  6. 12years

    12years Well-Known Member

    Shouldn't you be looking for someone you can get along with and have some actual stuff to talk about?

    Initial attraction doesn't count much when it comes to having a relationship, unless you find yourself totally repulsed by the other person. I'm not opposed to the idea of changing yourself, but doing it to conform or to please someone else will only lead to a disaster. Either learn to accept yourself and be happy with how you look like, or change yourself because you know it'll be good for you.
  7. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    It does for most. If that were true, most people would find it easy to deal with the first phase of courtship which is initial physical attraction. Dating would be fairer and easier.

    The truth is when most people first spot someone, they have no idea who the other person is or what they are like. What draws a person first is usually an image or look. There's nothing wrong with this as long as it doesn't remain the leading factor in a long term relationship. Some vanity is normal. We're human.

    Specific men will catch my eye, but I also know that personality still matters. Knowing what I like physically doesn't make me lose sight of substance. That does mean I can find myself attracted to men I normally wouldn't find as attractive, but that kind of latent attraction doesn't happen right off the bat. That's realistic. That happens usually when you hang around someone for a period of time in a situation where you both get to see each other a lot. That person grows on you because they are cool in other ways.

    I know a lot of men prefer thinner women, so I've been passed by for those women regardless of my personality and interests. I'd rather meet a guy who not only likes my personality but likes my exterior.

    I've been in a relationship where the guy kept trying to get me to lose weight. It sucked. I was never his preference and although he liked me and was able to be attracted to me, my weight was something that always bothered him. Although I have body image issues, I know I'll never been thin so why waste my time trying to conform to someone else's idea of beauty?

    Plump body was't my ex-boyfriend's primary attraction. He normally liked thin women. I saw pictures of his old girlfriends. He should have gone with his first choice - a thin woman and then looked for compatibility in that. I should've broken off the relationship earlier when I saw he'd never get over my extra weight. We were together for 3 years. Too long and in the end I had more of a complex than I ever did. My thinking now is why put up with that? Why not get someone that doesn't mind the weight or someone who maybe even LIKES the weight??

    Who wants to wait around to become someone's exception to the rule? That's like winning the lottery. Odds are better when people go for what they like.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 26, 2009
  8. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to change to conform I guess.
    But it's not 100% so I can find a guy, because I have found guys in the past who liked me the way I look.

    ...but I don't like me the way I look and that's the MOST important thing.
  9. 12years

    12years Well-Known Member

    It's true that most people get together because they find each other physically attractive at first. But if they find that they don't have much in common on the first date, then it's not so much a relationship as it is a date.

    I disagree. A book can normally be judged by its cover, and the image of a person normally is a reflection of who he/she is on the inside. Someone with a mohawk and too many piercings may be a computer nerd at home, but that doesn't change the fact that he's the kind of person who likes the attention, or at least tries too hard to be different. Most people provide subtler clues, but after talking to them for ten minutes you normally can have a general idea if this is someone whose you would find as attractive on the inside as he/she is on the outside. The fact that some people choose to ignore these clues in favor of having a "relationship" with someone their physically attracted to is what boggles my mind.

    So the issue here isn't that your ex wasn't able to develop some attraction to you, but that he was shallow.

    Because it sounds like you're not happy with being bigger than the other girls. Unless you're comfortable enough with your size not to worry about what anyone thinks of your size (this includes people with specific preference for bigger girls), you probably need to do something to improve your self-esteem. Being bigger doesn't always mean health problems, but if you haven't started eating right and exercising regularly you're not going to do yourself a favor.

    That's true, you ex tried to make an exception to the rule and look how well it turned out. But let's think about the guys who want to date bigger girls because they sincerely want to, and let's put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you find out that someone who's your "type" decided to date you only because he didn't feel like he was good enough to get any of the girls he'd rather be with? I know I'd feel crappy, and as a rule I try not to do anything to others what I wouldn't want to be done to me.
  10. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    Of course that's a date. I never stated that upon first meeting someone that it would immediately become a relationship. But what happens from then on can give someone an idea about pursuing a relationship. My point was that most people rely on physical attraction first before deciding that they want go hang around to see what someone's personality is like for further discernment. I don't think humans are changing anytime soon. We're hardwired that way.

    I definitely don't agree that a book can be normally judged by its cover. I have a friend who dresses very conservatively, but I personally know she is anything but conservative otherwise, especially sexually. She's done some very wild things. She also has some very extreme views on issues. Describing my friend as liberal is an understatement. No one would ever know that just from looking at how she dresses. She likes simple shirts and nondescript jeans with basic sneakers. Human beings can be complex this way. We might be conservative in one area but extremely marginal in others.

    Another thing, not everyone dresses how they truly wish to dress or feels. So you might be judging someone on a mask that they wear to the public. I know some women who want to dress very sexy but are too shy to pull it off for whatever reason, but if they had things their way, that's how they'd look on the outside. No guy would know this unless he got to know that woman. Until then, that kind of woman will settle for something simple and understated.

    So maybe you can tell some things at glance with some people but seriously, you never know the entire story.

    There's also the common assumption that people who dress differently are intentionally trying to get attention for shock value. Sometimes, that's an assumption that tells more about the one assuming. Some might be dressing differently mainly for shock, but you can't throw that assumption out there for everyone with an unconventional look.

    I stand out in ways others don't too because of the way I dress, but I do it because I'm artistic. I am not comfortable being plain. It's the same when I paint or write. Some people stare at me for looking a little different, I'm not bothered. I chose to dress this way for self-expression. I like to experiment with style and I like getting creative with fashion. I'm a loner for the most part, but I'm not going to dress in cardigan sweaters and long, matronly skirts because other people might assume things about me that are untrue. They have no idea what my sexual interests are. They don't know what my political views are. They don't know if I am religious. They don't know if I am blunt and opinionated. They don't know if I have socially conservative views. None of that can be gleaned from the way I look. You can assume but that doesn't mean you've got me pegged right upon first glance.

    You might interpret it that way, but it appears that his behavior is not atypical. It reflects most people. Looks matter to most and always will even if they experience exceptions. I think it's wrong to pretend that they don't matter. We'd like that to be true, but that's hopeful thinking. He cared about me, but he just wasn't as attracted to a larger build from day one. It's something he struggled on and off with. We were together for 3 years, so he cared enough to hang that long. If he were completely shallow, the dating wouldn't have continued after the first date into a relationship. I think over time he was hoping that I'd drop some weight so that his physical attraction to me would become stronger. I don't excuse his criticism or some of the things he did, but he's not unique.

    To be honest, when I really get down to it, my unhappiness comes from what I've learned. I can get up go jogging and I can walk around without falling out from fatigue. I'm able to be somewhat athletic especially because I exercise a lot to prevent myself from getting bigger. I'm not technically obese although I've got some extra weight on my frame. I'm very curvy. Busty, wide hips, an ass. I always had those traits. When I'm by myself for a long time, I'm not as anxious about my body as I am when I'm in public. This is one of the reasons I go through periods of isolation sometimes so that I can cut off the background noise and find me in the process.

    I learned from a young age to compare my body to other girls and women who were much smaller than I was with differnt body types. I developed a womanly build earlier on. I didn't start to develop a complex until my early teens. I became uncomfortable having developed quicker than the other girls. My curves and chest were called fat and people constantly made comments about my chest and hips. That made me want to be invisible - smaller. I wasn't comfortable with all of that attention and it traumatized me. I realize that now but it's left a scar that I'm still dealing with in adulthood. Stuff I constantly see in the media doesn't make it any better.

    Before then, I never had a problem. Those junior high and high school years taught me that I'd never be good enough. That something was wrong with the way I naturally looked. Many women struggle with this. I can admit that my desire to be thin doesn't really have much to do with what I personally feel is attractive. How did I come to that conclusion? I find myself spotting curvier women and I realize that some are very beautiful to me but yet I struggle to accept that in myself. That says a lot. That contradiction tells me that I've let society dictate how comfortable I'd be with my own body. I don't mind people staring at me for dressing different, for being an artist, but women are conditioned to be sensitive about their weight and beauty. I'm one of them. I'm working on that though and I'm working on my binge eating which is something I do to emotionally subdue myself from depression. It has nothing to do with hunger. Food is a drug like any other. This is why I wrote about dating people in the future who appreciate what I should and would like to value in myself. When I'm openly ready to date again, no more men like my ex. No more men who don't reflect my values and my need to change into a positive direction.

    That's interesting you mention that. A lot of people are so judgmental about women who aren't thin that when a guy sincerely likes thicker women, people assume it is because he can't get any better. There goes assuming again. That's not always true. It's hard to believe a guy would go for that over someone who fits society's standard. I realize thinner builds are more popular, but men who like women with extra weight aren't rare. People aren't ready to assume that a man who likes thin women is dating them because he can't get any better. There are some men who, without an agenda, LIKE curvier builds. I can usually tell these men apart from the ones who are desperate, just like I was able to see how my ex was with his desire for a thinner body. It's not hard to pick up on where someone is coming from because most of us aren't the best actors.

    At least for long we aren't.
  11. IDKwhatIwant

    IDKwhatIwant Well-Known Member

    i liked two brunettes both close to being chubby. didnt really bother me. the first was always concerned about her weight, yet did nothing about it. after like 7 months, we just grew apart... the issue was always on her end, as i was fine with her. she just liked to complain. the other developed an eating disorder... eventually ignoring me, and becoming a shut-in.

    the girl i like now, ive known online, for maybe a year. we talk on the phone weekly, and i got her address for penpals. shes blonde and has an eating disorder. shes naturally skinny though. i believe she weighs 100lbs. but constantly boarders from 90lbs to 100lbs. it bothered me at first, and did some emotional damage on me. feeling like i should be more supportive to help solve whatever caused the ED... ive just kind of accepted it now. it is kind of nice knowing one of those trophy girls. submissive, skinny, blonde, etc.

    ive never put much into the body image, unless they look sickly... like theyre to fat to walk or something. seems women judge themselves, more then men judge them. i mainly look for women that are easy to talk too. normally 'wall flowers' off to the side. im not very assertive, so i we just kind of ease into a conversation, instead of a pickup line or something big to win them over.

    ive never really worried about them liking me. all of the women ive liked, liked me. i think. lol
  12. cofmadness

    cofmadness Well-Known Member

    That's all totally up to you, if you feel good about the way you look then look for men who are attracted to your type if not then that's up to you as well.

    As for my type well I like pretty boys face is most important to me as well, preferably not too short hair, body wise doesn't matter as long as he's not too sloppy looking but muscle don't hurt to be frank. All in all though someone who has a witty sense of humor and is sweet yet a bad boy... yeah, I'm a little picky I suppose but it's a big world out there and I can compromise in some areas'cause I'm reasonable.