When am I allowed to give up?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OleanderSweet, Nov 13, 2012.

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  1. OleanderSweet

    OleanderSweet Member

    Since this topic is so personal, I will give you some information.

    My name is Ellen, I am 21 years old, and I live off the edges of the map.

    Since I was very young, I have been medicated for major depression. When I was younger, it was a casual thing, something mentioned along with the new type of medication to new acquaintances who want to know why I'm a bit off.

    But in my college year, I began to slip away. My weight plummeted from 170 pounds to 125 as an eating disorder hooked chains in my flesh and stitched lies into my lips. With my body went my mind. Time became a nothing idea, a mathematical rule locked away in irrelevant textbooks. I slip between the cracks, between your fingers, my body is a mirage- blink- gone.
    The screaming in my head is the truth, your voices are the soundless echoes of a world I left long ago. What is real?

    You can see the colors that appear to me in black and white. Depression is my lover, she lures me into sleep with soft fingers and a voice that soothes the chaos behind my eyes. But her nails are knives, they are the razor blades that write poems of sorrow on my skin, tell the world who I am-

    I am-

    Nothing, no one person, but a tangled mess of screams and agony and a thick thread of sadness. Yank on me, try to separate the knots. My eyes are glued shut

    There is a body here, a shadow man dressed in silence. He speaks of quiet, of an ending to this, to you, to the choir of pathetic keening- who is screaming- is it me? I can't tell, the shrill shout is strange, an echo
    It won't stop but his hands
    offer peace
    "It's okay... you can let go now," He doesn't speak he breathes, his cold hands outstretch. How long have I wanted for this, this ending, this blackness where the pain can't reach me....

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what goes on in my head. Every day it is a disturbing play that spins round until I am dizzy. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better.. that it won't always be so hard. But when? How long am I to wait? When I am allowed to give up?
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Please don't give up lovely, do the professionals know how hard you're finding it? :hug: Here if you need to talk :hug:
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There comes a time when it is important to be a strong advocate for yourself, to assure that you are getting the best care possible...have you spoken with your doctors/therapists about how you are doing and what goals they have for you in treatment? I advise instead of giving up, get moving..make sure everyone is doing their jobs and if any are questionable, get another opinion...you deserve to feel better and you do have some control in this situation...wishing you the best
  4. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    You are here, very real to me and all people who read about your pain and dilemma between living and dying. You have not allowed to give up as you know the hope is still there.
    Death is not a romantic poem, is the end of hope the end of life. You are not alone.
    How do you want to be?
    How do you life should be?
    As much as you fight for your life, ask yourself what you want, you know you want to end the pain and have a better life.
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