When contemplating suicide is the only time one can be happy...

What keeps folks ticking when even memories of the better days only serve to show what one no longer has?

 

I'm just too much of a coward to follow through with suicide. I've tried and tried, and I guess I just have this instinctive fear of the unknown.

It sucks, really.

 

The possibility that tomorrow might be great.

It's tough. The effort must be made to get out of your head.

 

I have been through it all, i know what being suicidal is but i am not sure what exactly kept me going on... Not cowardness for sure, i wasnt afraid to do it at all. I think i was a very very small hope somewhere in the back of my mind. It was such a small one that i couldnt even voice it. I was so lost and in such a dark place that i would just sit in the corner of the room and cry. I felt lost and abandoned by anyone and everyone. And i didnt struggle to get out of it but i just kept on going. Maybe i was hoping for a better day. Not tomorrow and not the day after tomorrow, but maybe many weeks...months...years later. I also didnt want to hurt my mum so much. She wouldnt survive that or even if she would, i would have turned her life into endless existance full of pain and misery.

 

I've never really cared for my own birthdays and the like, but The Day I'll Do It is one that sends a tingly, pleasant sensation up my spine. I'd send simple "Hi, how are ya"-type of messages to the few people I care about, walk out the door, go on a trip and leave it all behind, then 'accidentally' croak and be released from it all.

Today my mother talked to me about seeing a therapist, wanted me to return to the happy me, blamed herself for how I've turned out (despite my efforts to tell them otherwise - afterall, I like to think I have free will), and was getting all emotional. It should've been an emotional moment for me, but I felt nothing. I hadn't realized how dead I've become.

Up to now my duty to my parents is what's kept me chained to this life. Today I realized that my very existence causes them suffering. Rather than prolong their suffering and my own, ending it would seem to make the most sense.

Has anybody lost people to both accidents and suicides? Would the former be easier on those left behind than the latter? I'd post in the Loved and Lost forum, but that would be a bit insensitive I think Would appreciate any insight into the matter.

(Apologies in advance if this violates the code of conduct, but seeing as I'm not asking for a "How to", think it'd be ok. If not, please remove the last paragraph.)